How am I going to tell you that our top story is #Zuma this week? It’s been decades, literally decades of dominating headlines and #Zuma just won’t let up. Half a million engagements in less than seven days. He’s back! He says he never finished his second term and that he wants another shot. I remember every word I wrote about this man, but #Jacob has a different set of memories. I suppose that happens when you reach the ripe age of 82. Who does this clown think he is? #Biden? #DecadesOfDecay.

I will admit there’s a small bit of me that missed him. He’s been the most entertaining narrative this week, and deep (very deep) down I missed these crazy stories. This week alone he was told that #BillyDowner will be the prosecution in the #ArmsDeal case. It must be the eleventeenth time we’ve told him this, but he’s 82 and he thinks this country still belongs to him. He forgot he was in SA too because two terms are enough for any man and criminal records stop you running for elections and president. That is how it works, hey? I haven’t lost the plot, right? Well, I didn’t think so until I read the headlines. First of all, the #MKParty is allowed to contest elections even though their paperwork was shoddy, and they stole a name. Start as you mean to go on, right? Then we were also told that Zuma himself can run for president. Yes, you read that right. The next thing uBaba was outside the courts dancing and laughing like a geriatric hyena. Behind him, in camera shot, was Dali the Filibuster Mpofu. And this story made my week: Dali was cackling. He was cracking up at #Zumas jokes about how ubaba didn’t steal a pin but Ramaphosa stuffs money in his furniture. He was doubled over with laughter when Zuma said that he was sick and they still dragged him to courts and put him in jail for nothing while our incumbent president is selling buffalos. Dali was having a jol china. I was more entertained at how much Dali was entertained than Dali himself was entertained. He has no allegiance to his own political party, the EFF. He is with the EFF, isn’t he? Well actually I’m not even sure anymore, he seems to go where the randallas are. I digress, so Zuma’s dancing and Dali is entertained and then Dali gets a phone call … the next thing Mpofs is tightlipped. Now when I say tightlipped, imagine Dali literally sucking in his lips. They disappeared into his mouth and slowly, but definitely surely, he moved out of video shot. I wonder who was on that phone guys? #JujuCalling.

Back to Zoooms. He lost the #ArmsDeal, the tedious twenty year old Stalingrad tactical battle as the very long bendy arm of the law told him, again, that #Downer would stand as prosecution. However, #Zuma had massive wins this week. #MKParty will be on the ballot papers and Zooma may actually appear as their avatar. Perish the thought. After his reign of decay, we are literally back to where we started. #GroundHogDay and #DecadesOfDecay. How did the #ElectoralCourt make that decision, even the IEC are asking mara why? My thoughts on this whole #panoRama is that the whole thing is rigged. Guys, imagine the courts decided against Zuma and MK? July’s insurrection will become 2024’s Armageddon. So, we let this oke back in the back door and now we rely on #CivilSociety to check for rigging. Zuma also laid claim to our dead President #Mandela. Madiba was MK’s and #Hani was ANC’s. Bodies to step over in election banter. Imagine? Hani and Mandela turning in their graves. Zuma also issued a #reshuffle. Hah, I told you I missed this guy. Reshuffles were done at midnight and only for the weekend. I feel 82 after riding this rhetoric. I honestly don’t know where Zuma gets the energy from. Money is a great motivator I suppose?  So, the short story is Zuma lost the bid to remove Downer, had his case postponed to privately prosecute Ramaphosa, won the case of MK on the ballot and won the case that he personally can be allowed to run for election. In the words of my therapist: “How does that make you feel?”. #Crash #Zoom #Boo.

Can we talk about the weather instead? Oh wait, that’s another hectic story as the Cape of Storms lives up to its name. Vehicles were being blown off the highway, roofs were flying in the air and some really dimwitted people were taking TikToks while hanging on to trees for a little windsurfing. The Cape has been in the spotlight all week, not just because of the weather but certainly because of the DA. Wow, just wow. Jumping John was hopping mad. He said that political parties should not contend in the WC. “Why are they coming to the Western Cape? If they get that right, it’s gonna be the biggest bank heist you’ve ever seen.” What are you saying John? Are you a dictator now? He took shots at #RiseMzansi which backfired as Rise Mzansi trended for days as #SongezoZibi pushed back with a message that must have really touched John on his studio. Zibi said that JJ was slipping back into the old National Party narrative of the “swaart gevaar” and that it’s time to take this outside. In the same week though Rise said it couldn’t go into #MitchellsPlain because of bad weather, what they meant was gangsters. Here’s the thing, if you can’t go into the ghetto how will you ever fix the problem? No one, not even Bheki himself, can enter that gangster’s lair. You’ll be happy to know that Bheki is out canvassing too; he was sighted in #Mariannhill peering through windows of a crime scene donning a rose gold hat. But back to the DA. John swallowed words when he said that the DA were not averse to coalitions with the ANC. That was a slap in the face after all the moonshot pactness. And then, according to a company called BOLD, the DA are winning on social media? Who is bold enough to make a statement like that? The DA are certainly not winning on social media, ask a true media monitor, not some agency you paid to manipulate statistics. Helen Zille was calling for more international voting stations. Why? Why are South Africans that have immigrated allowed to make decisions about our country? They left. So go. That’s it. You don’t get to make a mark unless you’re traveling on some great adventure. Sorry expats. John #Valigate.

Then while all this was going on, the rand plummeted, why? Because of rumours that #Ramaphosa might lose this election. What is wrong with this currency of ours? It acts like it needs medicating. Hello world, it’s a good thing we are getting rid of the ANC. Good morning. We owe you a bucket load of cash and you’re crying because we want to fix it. #TsekMan. I hate funny numbers. And here’s more of them: #Zimbabwe literally slashed several zeros off its currency and printed new bank notes with a bunch of rocks on it and called it #ZiG. That’s not even the funny bit: this “new currency” is not accepted to pay for your passport renewal or for fuel, but it traded better than the rand all week. Rands will get your passport and your tank filled but according to the traders of the currency world it counts as less. I don’t make this stuff up: I just work here, and I’m as confused as you are. But I know somebody somewhere is making a lot of money. #FunnyNumbers.

There are two stories I just can’t get my head around. Fifty percent of our water is lost due to leaks in the system. Half. Half of our water is just dripping into the ground. Surely that’s a crime against humanity? Or transgresses our human rights? Something surely. That’s just unbelievable. Fifty percent! Someone pass the ducktape. If that wasn’t enough, get this: in one month 131 schools were robbed in Nelson Mandela Bay. Over a hundred schools were robbed in a month in one province? What, I’m sorry what?

My words run out so fast so let me leave you with bullets of the balance:

• Blade #Nzimande dissolved the #NSFAS board
• Bankrupt #BantuHolomisa’s UDM is back
• #FortHare court proceedings are coming up
• The #JSCInterviews have run out of judges
• AKA case postponed
• Suspects arrested in Chief’s Luke #Fleurs murder
• The clothes we learnt about in the #Joshlin case were not hers
• Primrose looked like a warzone as #ZamaZamas were shot dead in the streets

Across the world water. #OJSimpson passed away from cancer. Germany was taken to the #ICJ by Nicaragua for being complicit in genocide. The irony is not lost on social media. Dubai has issued new bank notes with real gold in them, it’s probably all ours; it should have Zuma’s face on it. We saw beautiful images of #Eid2024 as Ramadan came to an end. This was a stark contrast to residents of Gaza who prayed among the rubble. Hamas’ chief’s children and his grandchildren were killed in a strike by Israel. He didn’t flinch; he thanked God for martyring them. I wonder how Bibi would react if his kids were killed? Apparently, the ceasefire negotiations are not going anywhere and it’s probably because there are not enough hostages left alive to negotiate with. Israel is on its feet calling for reform and Iran threatened Israel after Israel attacked its Syrian embassy. Before the threat was made, a call to Biden by ay-Ran to say that #Iran will steer clear of US assets but that’s all. Biden agreed. Well, I guess he was agreeing, I can’t make out what that guy is saying anymore, perhaps Zuma can take America. They deserve him.  I mean what’s up with the yanks anyway? They’ve gone back to 1864 law where all abortions are banned. Trump used the eclipse to advertise his rising as the president, again. He told his followers that a vote for Biden was a vote for #Hamas (Palestine), so basically frying pan and fire come to mind. Then a whole bunch of people stared at the sun waiting to come undone. #EclipseMadness. I mean seriously guys how can it be Trump vs Biden? Are these people that ignorant? Vietnam sentenced real estate tycoon Truong My Lan to death. She was charged with fraud amounting to $12.5 billion. I suspect if fraud was dealt with as harshly in our country, then we would have to build a penitentiary for politicians.

I’m Tonya Khoury and thank you for scratching the surface of a mental week in media. #GoneDiving. Fish don’t talk about politrix.