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#ZOscars – And The Winner Is …

Date: 07.17.2024

Written By

Tonya Khoury

Headlines. Unfathomable headlines: A cyclone barreled its way towards Sodwana Bay and #Mbazwana featured on mainstream, more like a river, news stations. Joburg, in stark contrast, had no water for two weeks; they didn’t turn the tap on. Dinkum! Would I lie to you? #Zuma threatened #CivilWar. A woman was fleeced by #OldMutual to the tune of three million rand, despite a court order. This tap danced across the whole country with over half a million engagements in a seven day period. And that was just on Monday. Mall staff and shoppers were held hostage. #Kate, Princess Kate, broke the internet with a single doctored picture on #MothersDay in the UK. #Vodacom disappeared for hours and hours (are they #loadshedding because of the 63 billion that they must pay #Makate?). Microsoft went crash bang and just when we thought we were certain of an unnegotiated day of rest, #NuclearWar was mentioned. It was coupled with worse news: a terrible sequel. No, I’m not even telling you about #JohnCena’s nude delivery at the #Oscars. I’m talking about the two old tortoises.  #TrumpVsBiden, Act II. Can you believe it? Are we living in a movie? Absolutely not, not even #TheOscars would consider this trashy set of scripts, well wait Barbie was up for Best Picture.  And then it seems Biden will be banning #TikTok too. So, things are looking up … #ZOscars

It’s me, Tonya Khoury, I’m not an actor but I can pick out a good drama with the click of a button. #AcademyAwardsZA, that’s what Acumen Media actually does, it uses astonishing AI to read the news for me, so that I can regurgitate it to you.

#JoshlinSmith made less appearances on screen and the so-called #Sangoma was let off the hook. Apparently, she’s not a witch doctor at all. Didn’t someone check? #Gayton? Here’s looking at you kid. We’ve been waiting three days (officially) for the DNA test to come back from a bloodied set of clothing. We are left on that cliffhanger as the remaining three suspects stay remanded in custody. #ZOscars.

It’s Friday, and it has been a mammoth week so let’s talk best nominations for #Comedy. The first nominee is … the tap in Jozi. The entire week, major parts of Johannesburg have been without water. Part of the script can be explained: they forgot to turn the tap on. Or did they turn it off, deliberately? Well, it was a pearler of a story that left Joburg smelly and rancid. Next on the red carpet is #JohnSteenhuisen. He’s not up for one, but three awards this week for his portrayal of Richard the Third in skinny jeans. His opening line “One person’s genocide is another person’s freedom fight” was followed by a sensitive claim that he sometimes misses former party leader Mmusi #Maimane on a personal level, but believes there was a “rush to find a leader that looked a certain way” and that Maimane was too inexperienced to lead the DA. Not everyone can look the part. Then, in a dramatic denouement, he called for the USA (yes, the country run by a tortoise and an orange insurrectionist) to monitor South Africa’s election. The same USA who is currently under scrutiny for its role in displacing two million people in a place situated near gas and oil #Gaza. Yes, the winner for own goal scoring is undoubtedly the jumper John himself. There can only be one #JJSteenhuisen. Look, I’ve been told that I should go easy on the DA, they’re the only ones with experience yada, yada. Not on your ninny. He’s getting that #ZOscar.

Let’s have a look at #CourtDramas and there were plenty of contenders, make no mistake. Seriously make “no mistake”, you’re not #AlPacino. (If you don’t get the reference, let it go). #Justice4AKATibz was a nonstarter I’m afraid; the cast was all wrong for the set. The cops couldn’t even file the extradition papers for the #MalawianBrothers. A form. All they had to do was submit a form. #ThaboBester has a doccie dropping on #Showmax. We don’t do telenovelas at the #ZOscars. And then, not quite in the right category, but definitely a #CourtDrama, was #PravinGordhan’s press conference explaining how he broke down SAA’s bankruptcy and then how he made a whole new airline appear and then as quickly as he did that he made it disappear leaving #TakatsoConsortium (the future buyers) with a hat full of hollow. That’s just #SciFi. This, hot off the heels of his retirement letter. There never was a deal on SAA. #DuduMyeni gutted it. It’s in the #StateCaptureReport. You got to hand it to Pravin he milked that role good and proper. Then the favourite: the #SenzoTrial. The judged ruled on the #TrialWithinATrial. He ruled that the two accused’s affidavits were factual and taken without duress. Which means, the winner is … #KellyKhumalo. You’re up girlfriend. Get under the spotlight and up on that box. We have questions. #ZOscars

Then in a category all on its own is #Eskom, outstanding non-performance and with the largest budget seen to date. A whole new cinematic experience: a whole set of dark images. Not weird David Lynch dark. Just Polanski nighttime dark. Let’s call it dodgy art. In #TheGathering: Apocalypse Not, a Daily Maverick event, the audience was told #loadshedding would be over by the end of the year. We, the audience, all laughed but never clapped. #ApocalypseNot. Really? Sounds like something #MarlonBrando might stuff his cheeks with. #Eskom announced that the average household will be charged an additional 500 odd bucks. Who mentioned a layer cake? Considering the R350 grant is going up, that’s only fair. And finally, we learnt that the judge who shut the case on fraud at #Eskom was one of the beneficiaries. Did we lock him up? Don’t be silly he’s right here with us in the audience. #ZOscar.

Suddenly, all sorts of flashing cameras and #politrix. We saw all the names you wanted to see at #TheGathering and some you didn’t. Like #TonyLeon, I jest, I don’t mind the oke. #Zuma says if the #MKParty doesn’t get two thirds majority, he’s out. The party also had a tiff with the royals, the real ones, the #ZuluKing. The #IFP made a big comeback with three new wards. #Cele has been caught doing some nasties, but his hat is still on the run. The #EFF were thrown out of council meetings, nothing new. These scripts need a refresh: #Malema attended 6 out of 40 council meetings in a year at least he can count to six, unlike Zuma. This left the #EkurhuleniCouncil in a shambles. Then #WeekendSpecial, Des van Rooyen, who was our finance minister for an entire weekend back when the #Guptas were a thing, resigned. #BirdsOfAFeather. Speaking of flat characters, #ThaboMbeki said he can’t campaign for the #ANC with all this corruption. Hours later he said he is canvassing for the ANC. You ok there SA? May the force be with us. Especially as the government forges ahead the #NHIBill and the little known Copyright Amendment Act Bill. This is a bad script that has been passed around for a few years; a script that will add to the chewing gum under your movie seat and less to your bookshelf. #ZOscars.

There’s so much more local acting talent out there, but I’ve long used up my #Vodagone airtime. So, over the ocean we go for best foreign film. Leading from the UK – not that #KateAndPaste pic story – is the driver that crashed his car into Buckingham Palace. Not much of a script, all very odd. #Haiti and #Sudan are still stuck in a terrible state. The #TateBrothers were arrested and #Putin drew a very red line in the sand with his sabre while #Musk’s been playing with his rocket.

The holy month of #Ramadan has arrived for the #MuslimCommunity. Ramadan Mubarak my enormous family and to all of you out there take the weekend off. Breathe some fresh air if you can find it. I’m Tonya Khoury and I’m all tapped out. That’s a wrap.


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