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Category: Acumen News | Featured

#WorldWarThree, Allegedly

Date: 05.26.2024

Written By

Tonya Khoury

World War Three! What is your take on it? Did you miss it? Come on? Where have you been? Let me break it down for you.

At the beginning of April, Israel hit Iran’s Syrian based embassy and killed long serving generals #Zahedi and #Rahimi. If you know one thing, you know to be terrified of #Iran. It took Iran ages to retaliate. Their retaliation, after many warnings, happened this week. They sent snail-paced rockets toward Israel’s Iron Dome. These were intercepted by Jordan, Saudi and eventually the dome itself. The drones and missiles took four hours to arrive and carried a stern warning before they were sent. Bibi was livid. He held talks with Biden and Sunak and for the first times words like “don’t do anything rash” and “exercise restraint” entered the West’s narrative. #Netanyahu came back to say that Israel will make its own decisions. Last night, there were reports that “the US has agreed to Israel’s plan for a military operation in Rafah, southern Gaza, in return for Israel refraining from carrying out a major attack on Iran.” Sick hey? Oh, it gets worse, Israel have deployed drones with the sounds of screaming women and children to lure Gazans out from the rubble to finish them off. It is so bad that #Qatar, the mediator, came close to resigning this week as no further progress is being made on ceasefire talks. You have to ask yourself, was that entire story fabricated or at least manipulated to justify the final blow to the Gazans? #RafahPlan. Nope, that’s not it because twenty minutes ago Israel bombed an Iranian military base. Strap yourselves in guys and be happy you live on the other side of the planet.

It’s me, Tonya Khoury, and I am so grateful it’s Friday. This is the first week in ages that international headlines have smothered South Africa’s election rhetoric. There were floods in Dubai, Oman, Saudi and Afghanistan. When I say floods think swimming camels. Swimming camels in what was once a desert. Camels battling to find their breaststroke or doggy-paddle ability. That’s the kind of weather I’m referring to. There was an earthquake in Japan and a volcano erupted in Indonesia and there were several tsunami warnings. Russia claims that fifty thousand troops were killed in the #Ukraine War. #Sudan, however, overshadows Gaza and Ukraine, as nine million people are displaced, and no one has bothered to count the dead. Several Google employees were arrested for protesting about software that will aid the war on Gaza. New York Times issued an editorial guide to tell their journalists to avoid the word #Genocide. Meta (Zuckerberg) has been hiding a little project with the name #Lavender where they’ve been silently ingesting all your Whatsapp conversations to introduce their new AI product to Whatsapp users. The Brits issued a warning to their subjects about SA. Allegedly we are a terror threat. Have you been to South Africa man? We eat terrorists for breakfast.

The only good news to make its way from over the waters is #Siya is on #Time. No man, he isn’t punctual, he’s in the punctuation in Time Magazine, on the cover noggal. He has been named in the top one hundred most influential people on the planet (according to America). It was #TrevorNoah who made the submission. Now there’s a good news story! Let’s move this back home where, after those opening paragraphs, even the #Elections don’t look so bad. #Allegedly

Today, between four and five this afternoon, I’ll be on eNCA with the real election poll. It seems that everyone has a poll though. I wonder where these okes get their data from, their thumbs? If you want the real McCoy watch tonight as we produce the latest election report based on social media conversations across South Africa. There are 33 parties on the ballot. The DA is shouting at its voters to stay with the DA. But he’s not been the worst this week to be fair. Others are doing #DanceChallenges on TikTok. Right, let me bring you up to speed. A woman begged #Ramaphosa for a job and he told her to keep looking. #Holomisa is testifying against #MadamSpeaker #Mapisa. The ex #PublicProtector #Mkwebane still wants R10million from us. #Zuma is truly on the ballot paper. I mean for real for real. He’s still a card carrying member of the #ANC but he is also standing for president under the stolen logo of #MK. He’s been working, that old man of ours. Exhausted, he fell asleep in court twice this week as the Downer and Maughan matters were struck off the roll. Kudos to #Dali for losing the most important battles of all. #ACEbestos’ PA was arrested in the USA. #Malema said he’d work with the stolen logo party #MK. As if we didn’t see that coming. Eyes roll so far backwards I can see my past. #Gayton came up with a moonshot pact of his own, this one to unseat the DA in the Western Cape. To be fair though, I’d never heard of the parties he was making a moon landing with, but you know, headlines. #BladeNzimande’s head is on the block for the complete mess that is our higher education’s #NSFAS. We need forty million rand to make sure we have a free and fair election in KZN. And then to make you laugh, #PhilCraig leader of the Cape Independence Party challenged #Steenhuisen to a polygraph because #Steenhuisen promised a referendum. Why? For the Cape to vote for themselves. A mini-Brexit sort of satire. Yes, I read the news so you don’t have to bother yourself with this garbage. I do like the polygraph idea though; a live show with all our politicians lined up and some hard-hitting journalists asking simple yes or nos would be great for our voting electorate. And only one question: Did you steal anything from South Africa? And just like that we’d be lucky if we had one party left standing. I’ve got to take my hat off, not in a #Bheki kind of way, to #PhilCraig and the rose-tinted mountain.

In other news, the weather also tried to humble us here at home: carnage at #Margate and fires in the #Winelands. Our education is torn to shreds. Over 80% of our Grade Eights can’t pass an elementary test and 31,000 teachers’ posts are left unfilled. Six thousand school pupils are between the ages of twenty and thirty! Are you still reading? If so, I admire your tenacity. I’d have left the building already.

Enter TV presenter #XolaniKhumalo. Now this is a mental story. This guy used to host a drug busting show called #Sizokuthola, and allegedly he and his crew killed an alleged drug dealer. Then allegedly this week Khumalo struck again, this time in a night club. He’s no longer a presenter of the show but a new guy called Xolani Maphanga is. Maphanga got arrested for the night club killing simply because they both were tv presenters and are both called #Xolani. Seriously? Well, the real #Xolani stood up and handed himself over and was granted bail. Which Xolani you ask? Think that’s a weird story? No one can find #Jooste’s body. The #DailyMaverick carried headlines that it had shut down, this was to create awareness of struggling journos. As a subscriber I took offence, but I suppose as a marketer it made some sense. I don’t know why that campaign leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth. Do you?

Then #AKA back in the headlines, this time because #MelindaFerguson released a book about #Anele. You remember the girlfriend that allegedly committed suicide by jumping naked off a building in Durban, who’s dad said, allegedly, that AKA must never enter Durban again, and then he did and then… we’re in court and now Melinda wrote a book and Mr Tembe (Anele’s dad) is unimpressed. Melinda allegedly got death threats and now I want to read the book. Melinda wrote “#Smacked”, one of the best books I’ve ever read. It’s an autobiography, a story of her recovery from drug addiction on the streets of Hillbrow. She’s a great journalist, specifically in the motor industry, and I’ve met her a couple of times. Her other books, I think she’d agree, have been fair but nothing like “Smacked”. So, as an avid reader I want to hear Anele’s story but now I’m second guessing: why would you publish something without her family’s knowledge or interests at heart? #Allegedly.

And then #Senzo, oh my word, #MeyiwaTrial was on fire this week as yet again evidence points to the empty seat that should be occupied by #KellyKhumalo. The judge was temperamental this week; if you don’t answer him fast enough, he says “Hello!” in the most condescending manner. Can he say “Hi” to Kelly please, for the nation, pretty please Rathi.

Ah guys my words ran out ages ago! So swiftly and with speed: Banyana #Banyana didn’t make it to the Olympics. We stopped 281 thousand people entering SA illegally. Richards Bay gears up for a gas “revolution”, help us, bless us and save us. #SterKinekor slashed jobs and closed cinemas. Learners drowned in a school outing and the MEC said that the teachers should remember these are somebody’s children. I’m not making that up. #FNB issued a recession warning. #DayZero for Gauteng seems to have arrived. It took twenty days to unlock a phone in the #FortHare case. Eight gangsters (allegedly) shot in Khayelitsha, and residents attacked a man pushing his mom’s dead body in a wheelbarrow as they suspected foul play. Have I used the word allegedly enough? Can I say it three times before the end and then we’re all good?

And finally, to round up the week, Zuma’s #Liebenburg, the diamond dealer who pays all Zuma’s court bills, said that Ramaphosa plied the King with drugs and took pictures of him naked. Allegedly. Allegedly. #Allegedly.

That’s it, I’m done. The weather here is incredible and the conditions underwater are mint, allegedly. I’m going to find out. There’s an Octopus that needs a name and I’m allegedly the girl for the job.

Elections 19th April 24

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