Every single politician took credit for the #VATReversal this week, and I must admit, I called it wrong when I said that all VAT will go up seamlessly on the first of May. I am Tonya Khoury; come along with me and #ScratchTheSurface of the media week you missed while you were #Eastering.

I was in the middle of a meeting and my mom’s message pinged on an internal news group. For those who don’t know, my mom watches the news, so you don’t have to. These are her exact words: “Why is Zille taking all the credit for VAT? Who the hell does she think she is?”.  That’s funny, there are no DA supporters in my house, I can tell you that for nothing. She’s right, though, my goose, who is Zille eintlik? But it got better as the #GNU dropped one media bomb after another about the DA’s behaviour during the #BudgetTalks. Apparently, according to #SongezoZibi (the man I voted for and now head of SCOPA), the DA were pretty insistent that they would vote for the new fiscal budget but only if “a certain port” was privatised and the #LandReform criteria was scrapped. This was still when the VAT proposal sat at two percent. Sneaky huh? Know your DA good people. Mom and I had a robust discussion and we both agreed that the DA should take a fat (VAT) hike. If they were removed from the equation we might actually have a working government. The voters would be forced to put 20% of their votes with an alternative (other than the ANC) and that would resolve a great deal, well that’s assuming those voters would not vote for Zuma the Puma. #VATEnvy, a deadly sin.

It was around this time that Cyril, the sneaky squirrel, pulled a fast one on #Trump. I did not see that coming. We all gawked as #Zelenskyy the #TemuPresident without a suit, turned up at the steps of the union buildings dressed in brown. Maybe he thought he needed to colour coordinate with the crappy situation he was in. My jaw gaped as I watched Ronald Lamola and Cupcake escort the surprisingly short man, Presidentskyy, up the red carpet. Red: the colour of the blood that runs under our feet as the elite trample the dead. This meeting was cut short by a ferocious attack on Ukraine by Russia. Within minutes of Presidenskyy’s departure, #Matamela told us that there is room for peace negotiations between Russia and Ukraine and that he would be on a call to Trumpett stat. My country. We certainly punch above our weight, and as much as I loathe the man, Rama is smart. Give him that. Even Trump didn’t see that one coming. Now the tangerine is forced to deal with us (amicably) to keep Putin on side. This after Putin signed a deal backing Iran in any US conflict against them. Checkmate china. For a little salt and wound rubbing, cupcake also appointed #McebisiJonas as the #USEnvoy. A man beyond rebuke, the guy who turned down the Gupta’s R600m in cash, and (in a bad Lethal Weapon Afrikaans accent) “he’s bleck”.

In the last report I spoke about #CweCwe and the immediate need to #OpenTheSexOffendersRegister. Today, it pains me to tell you that there is no movement on the #CweCweCase; in fact, there’s less than zero movement. South Africa’s victims were blue ticked by the president and then ghosted. Another school child, 12 years old, was raped in her so called “place of safety” and there is another march planned to highlight the plight of our children. There is some mumbling about returning #Omotoso for a retrial, but that will disappear by next week and we’ll let another eight-year struggle dissipate into nothing. Instead, we watched Floyd Shivambu attend Easter with #ShepardBushiri. That’s how much we don’t care about raped, trafficked girls and embezzled cash. We ask those same devils to pray for us.

And then there was good old racism: while we were still reeling from the #Amerikaners we saw Julius march on #Orania. Actually, he didn’t march at all, it was his proxy who marched, and the EFF didn’t actually march IN Orania, and why? Because black people are not allowed IN Orania. So, they marched “near to” Orania instead, what a joke. Then the #MkParty marched to what is apparently an Afrikaner-only settlement in Pretoria, named Stilfontein. It made little news and zero impact. A bit like both parties, all hot air and no balloon.

There was so much news: the weather still has it in for us, as winter enters and snow falls in Lesotho, it’s even below 25 in Sodwana, I know! It’s been raining cats and dogs  and the stray #loadshedding is back, back again. Speaking of back, Zuma has been told for the eleventeenth time that he will have to face Downer in court. Inflation fell, and #TembisaHospital burnt down, twice. The second time it was noted that the records room was burnt to a cinder. Obviously the first attempt had some kinks in the plans. It’s season 482 of the #SenzoMeyiwaTrial as the fatigue sets in on the nation and we forgo justice for Senzo. The #JoshlinSmith trial awaits closing arguments next week after we learnt that Kelly refused to take the stand. I’m not surprised. She did break down this week, when finally, she remembered that her child is missing and that this is not the Kelly Smith Show. One of the biggest stories this week (and I’m sorry I haven’t covered it in detail) is that there was an assassination attempt on our deputy president. #PaulMashatile’s car was targeted, and bullets ricocheted off the reinforced glass. At first Paul didn’t make a fuss about it and then came the slow realisation that there actually was an attempt on his life. Do you buy it? I think you have no choice. But it looks like a duck and swims like a chicken.

The biggest story in the world is the death of the pope. He passed on Easter Monday, after his final service to the world but not before he made a public call to a Catholic church in Gaza. Yes, there are Christians there, don’t be ignorant. We learnt how the pope had called Gaza every day and how he called the war cruel and unnecessary. I come from a Catholic upbringing and my ma is Catholic: yes Muslims and Catholics do co-exist – don’t be ignorant. #JDVance met with the Pope moments before he passed, and social media was quick off the mark to draw unrealistic but funny conclusions about the impact of meeting Vance.

And then, as if by stark contrast, Trump held an “easter wave” parade on his balcony accompanied by no other than the #EasterBunny, and this was while he told us that Christian values are coming back to America and that he’d established an Anti-Christian taskforce. (Can you even use those words in a sentence? Ah well, it’s Trump, what do you expect?). He’s had a busy week, apart from telling Putin to stop bombing Ukraine in a post on his own social network. It literally read: “Vlad STOP!” Readers and followers would expect ‘at the next McDonalds’. This trumps his Easter message that was, quite honestly, hate mail. I quote: “Happy easter to all, including the Radical Left Lunatics who are fighting and scheming so hard to bring murderers…back into our country…and to all the people who CHEATED in the 2020 Presidential Election in order to get this highly destructive moron elected, I wish you, with great love … a happy easter.” That was funny. The #TangoMan has been backed into a corner in his trade war with China on tariffs, and now as the numbers surge to an eye-watering 145%, even thumper agreed with himself that it was too high and it may, ultimately end up at ten percent. Perhaps this oke think he’s an auctioneer at Sotheby’s, or does he believe he’s haggling at the Bruma flea market?

There’s lots of other news: China introduced 10G and Israel are offering Gazans a place to stay, a flight and $5000 to get out of Palestine and to revoke their nationality. Israel also admitted, finally, that the hostages are not their priority. The country is imploding as many are leaving. Settlers take to the streets to shout at their rotten king. Reservists dodge the draft and others make themselves unavailable to the tyranny of crooked men.

How on earth do I cheer you up? Well, there was sweaty feet Pete Hegseth who added several family members and White House staff to a signal group about security, again! Pete drinks absinthe, right? I’m just guessing here. And then my favourite story of the week, the synchronised speaking twins from Australia. I thought it was a hoax until they interviewed these twins live on air and my goodness, they speak at exactly the same time using the same words. It’s extraordinary, funny and perhaps mildly irritating if you were married to them.

I’m Tonya Khoury and thank you for scratching the surface with me and Acumen Media.