He thumped home didn’t he? It was a landslide. Too close to call?  What a load of rubbish, it was the red tide. One guy on social media said that waiting for the American voting results was like waiting to find out which STD you had. Another said that the world suspected that ‘merica was dumb but now the whole world is certain’.

I’m Tonya Khoury, I have bags under my eyes from all the late-night counting and head shaking. Some of you are questioning why it happened? It was obvious. Did you hear #Kamala speak? Firstly, I think every presidential candidate should have orchestra conductor lessons on how to use your hands when speaking in public, because she mimics the same concertina hands that Trumpette does. No standing ovations here. Secondly, her speech was a broken record, no matter what you asked this chick, she’d come back with “but wouldn’t it be great to get a tax break on your first house?”. Yes, and wouldn’t it be great to be in your shoes? Just not today. I don’t think America is dumb, I think their electioneering is. Kamala was so furious at her loss that instead of addressing her millions of voters, she packed up and went to bed!

Want to know why Trump won, Kamala? He’s the people’s president, sure, but there were several key media strategies that pushed him well over the line. Peanut the squirrel was one. Yes, a squirrel. Some guy owned a squirrel called Peanut and a raccoon called Fred. Somehow it got out that he owned these animals without a permit and, well, let’s just say Fred and Peanut got their angel wings a little too soon. And Trump jumped on it, he said Kamala did it. And the nation lapped it up. Peanut was a major reason for Thumper Trumper to bound across the stage and come pick up his prize. Of course one has to add that #ElonMusk was running around the streets of Philly, singing ‘hang on Sloopy’ with a fistful of cheques (not t-shirts and caps) for votes (isn’t that literally buying votes?”) and then a last-minute endorsement from the nation’s earpiece, #JoeRogan, resulted in no blue wave, but instead an annoying dripping tap which was followed by a red tsunami.

On election night there were sixty bomb threats, making the head of defence a little nervous as he told people to “F around and find out”. Nice and professional there Merica. Even Mbaks wouldn’t have used that language. Ok wait, he might have.

Social media did something priceless though: it was called #EnteredTheChat. Women from all around the world expressed support for Kamala by posting comments like England #EnteredTheChat coupled with blue wave emojis and blue hearts. Didn’t work, but it was cute.

So here we are, good people, surrounded by wealthy, abhorrent leadership across the world. And definitely no route out for Palestine. I spoke to a dear friend who came up with an incredible idea. Why don’t #Hamas just take those hostages, drive to the gates of Rafah and drop them off, clothed and fed. That is a checkmate move because Netanyahu will not stop … and once and for all it will be a message to the world that this was never about the hostages. Bibi fired #Gallant, the list guy, the head of defence. They had a barney and there can be only one winner. Israelis were furious and took to the streets and threatened to breach the walls of #Satanyahu’s house. #SendTheHostagesHome and then you’ll see. #GenocideIsReal.

Now let’s focus on South Africa. The outside world is beyond brutal. When you check on SA news it no longer looks so bad, does it? I mean sure, you have #DaliMpofu jumping the EFF ship and joining the MK band of bandits but come on guys that was more obvious than a Trump win. He’s expensive, our Dali Mpofs, might as well just hire him. Have you seen MK? It’s one parolee after another. What’s going on there, it seems that every crook in the land has found a haven in Zuma’s posse. We also heard how #Duduzane, Zuma’s prodigal son, returned to the MK fold. The succession plan it set ladies and gentlemen. At some point they are bound to work out that they actually have to do some work right? Right?

At the tail end of last week, #ZiziKodwa escaped trial and possibly prison. As a card-carrying member of the ANC he may want to reconsider his political home: the chickens will eventually come home to roost. I believe that. The truth will always prevail. It hasn’t failed me yet, it’s only my patience that has failed me.

Yesterday, 110 kids suffered from food poisoning, one-hundred-and-ten of our littleys. That’s an insane number of children. Apparently, this time, it was samp. We’ve heard all sorts of stories this week: it’s been chocolate, biscuits, chicken, anything a spaza shop can stock has become the new covid. Impossible to pin down and spreading like a runaway fire. I’m still not convinced about this #SpazaShop tirade. People are social distancing from #SpazaShops and other township informal sector operations. I think this war on the #SpazaShop has its own agenda. Time will tell but I smell a rat, one that escaped the pesticide. I hate to say it but if just one rich kid died, this would be a very different conversation. Gross hey? Tell me it’s not true, go on, I’ll wait. The nation is calling for a state of emergency. It won’t happen, these are our kids. Haven’t we already proven that we don’t care about children? #TheNewCovid

And then there was the #BelaBill march. Just wow, how many old South African flags are still being raised to the racist breeze? Ten thousand people turned up to a march at the Voortrekker monument. They were led by #Afriforum (no surprise), #FFPlus (obviously) and #Solidariteit (I’d expect nothing less). #SteveHofmeyr was there, standing tall amongst the towering racism as if he had landed in #ApartheidHeaven. And then … and I must say this surprised me… #Gayton. The people’s bae standing for Afrikaans, sure, but at an #Apartheid rally? The whole thing was led by #JumpingJohn Steenhuisen; that made me raise an eyebrow but didn’t help my jaw on the floor about Gayton. Look I get it, Afrikaans is one of our precious languages in our unique South Africa but what on earth makes Afrikaans so very special? Or is it more like you can keep non-Afrikaans speaking children out of Afrikaans schools? Gotcha! So, the way to put your point across is to fly the apartheid flag high over the Voortrekker monument? No, you’re not going to be misunderstood at all, your message is very clear.

#Rachel and Siya broke up and the nation was devastated for a couple of minutes. Clearly, relationships are not easy. Rachel didn’t waste time though; she was seen rubbing elbows with #PrinceWilliam at the #EarthShot event. The earth is shot, but did we have to name an event after it?

There was a tower of news I haven’t really touched on. #Zille and #Mbalula are still at each other’s throats, they had a public spat, again. It was about the establishment of the GNU, again. It was boring, again. We tried, and failed, to extradite the Guptas, again. The #N2 collapsed at the South Coast, so watch out holiday makers you might be swimming in the sea quicker than you imagine. Gangster and general bad guy #MarkLifman was assassinated this week, and there are rumours that the fatal shooting has something to do with the #Kinnear case. Will we ever have justice for Charl? Probably not. Speaking of a miscarriage of justice, Magashule’s PA is back in court and the Eastern Cape has become South Africa’s war zone. Kidnappings, rape and mass murder are regular headlines out of this region of SA. A state of emergency is definitely needed here. These places are out of control so send in the army. What are we waiting for? Are they still building bridges? Are they fixing the N2? Or are they still in bed? Things that seem so simple to us voters are so complicated for our leaders aren’t they?

It’s my birthday next week and I wanted to jump off a boat in Mozambique’s Ponta do Oura. I know, I know the country has imploded because of elections and the borders are now shut. I think that’s all very inconsiderate. All I wanted to see was a fever of hammerhead sharks … they could have held on surely. Thank goodness I live in paradise, and I’ll be on a boat for most of next week regardless, don’t worry I’ll still read the news, so you don’t have to.

I’m Tonya Khoury, thank you for scratching the surface with me and Acumen Media.