Cute, slow moving, but with intent. That’s a sloth. You thought I was talking about our President didn’t you? Well, another week has gone by folks and we never saw a #CabinetReshuffle. “Imminent” is what the media used to describe the upcoming slow dance across the political floor that might result in the exit door. I yawned. Just do it Ramaphosa, be like Nike.

I’m Tonya Khoury, this is this week’s Acumen Media report, so go ahead and watch Sloth TV while you scratch the surface with me.

There’s only one story, right? It’s the same one I ran with last week; it grew some tentacles but overall, it’s just #GroundSlothDay here in SA. #Eskom, the narrative that never ends, with over 300 thousand engagements and almost 80 thousand unique mentions, #Eskom continues to plague our timelines.

It was their 100th birthday and OUTA came up with a meme to rival #Nandos. They baked Eskom a cake. It was just a mixing bowl of ingredients ready to go into an oven. So smart. If you’re not paying these guys a small donation every month you need to have a good talking to yourself. Don’t be a #Sloth.

Last week we spoke about #DeRuyter and a mug. This week we saw the politicians scramble. We had them all come out. Fikile #Razmataz #Mbalula, wearing his eight-thousand-rand cap and sixteen-thousand-rand t-shirt, was speaking in circles. #HidinginPlainSight. #Maimane took the “nameless” #EskomSaboteurs to court. And then, drop mic, the President was quoted (out of context of course) saying that government had no obligation to give the nation electricity. Well, that started off a fire, but no real spark. The Eskom spokesperson left the building, quickly, and I laughed; I would have started to run (a year ago) but we’re in #SlothMode. You made it friend! The new interim CEO was appointed, and it’s the same guy who writes the cheques who is now deemed fit to run #Eskom. Obviously. Rumours are rife that #Nkosozana #StillAZuma may be the Minister of Electricity, please don’t, I can’t even write this stuff without feeling that existential nausea. #Gordhan took to #Newzroom Afrika for his “exclusive” interview and #GovanWhittles gave him a good grilling, but he is slippery Gordhan, unlike a sloth he moves swiftly, and he’s a veteran at dodging good journalists. #Gordhan said he was the minister that #DeRuyter spoke to about the mafia at Eskom. Gordan said he told Muggz to go to the popo, da police. None of us bought this, but De Ruyter is on the clock to produce evidence, so for now, like most of you, the jury is out.

According to the media, Eskom are running out of stages of #loadshedding, rolling blackouts is what they mean, so expect a new schedule. You know what I’m talking about. Remember when #Stage4 was our worst nightmare, and then we were shown that #Eskom can count higher, this time up to 8. Well #Stage8 looms in the wings – let’s not be dramatic because it’s only another couple of hours longer than #Stage7 and we were living with that last week, remember? We are beaten so hard that if we ever see #Stage1 again I think we may have a national street party. Sad hey?  Nah, not really, it’s #SlothPolitics, the slow burn, the frog boiling in its water, and welcoming it.

Ok, here we go again, I’m depressing you. So how to solve this problem? Hey ungaaz (in Zulu it means “I don’t know”), but there are people who do. Apparently, Eskom were selling solar panels at the #CapeTownEprix?  Ah, Cape Town – the province of two halves and great contradiction. Please do not, voluntarily, buy anything from Eskom South Africa. Please step away slowly and maintain eye contact. Sloths have enormous claws. That’s how they hang on.

While the cars were whizzing around Seapoint, here in KZN the coal trucks piled up on the N2. Over 600 coal trucks trying to make the port before the gates shut at Richard’s Bay. Was the rush to send coal to key points in South Africa? No man, don’t be ridiculous, it was for Russia and China. They pay top dollar, see? So, these treasonous mafia mercenaries (some may even call them terrorists) stomped over our country to fill their boots. Want to know how they sorted out 600 coal truck drivers that were without ablutions or water for three days? They were moved by gunpoint to an airstrip. That airstrip no longer exists after 600 coal trucks drove over it. Three days, all that coal and we are bludgeoned by darkness.

I’m afraid it’s very difficult to make this report funny. We were #GreyListed early this week, that means we are one of the most corrupt countries in the world, but the President said it was a good thing because now we are encouraged to do better. What? We wear that grey-listing like a badge of honour?

And then there’s water. Oh my word, while you were saving up for an inverter or a solar panel, in walked #BonAqua as many of Gauteng’s taps dried up. This is off the back of a Vaal Dam that is bursting with water. How can there possibly be no water? Well, that would be because of vandalism. Those are the media reports anyway. Explosions rocked key points in the waterflow turning off the taps instantly. Were there water tankers? No. Why? Because this is not vandalism guys, this is elections. Warnings are being issued from foreign countries for locals to stock up on food and water. Gross right? Well, no, just politics. Every single move you see on this rotted dance floor is a break dance for power in 2024. The news then broke of Ecoli in large parts of South Africa and there is a Cholera outbreak, well I say “outbreak” I mean six people, that’s not the point, the point is, the water is a much bigger problem than #Eskom. If we have to weigh it up.

#Phalaphala (the Benjamins in cupcake’s couch) is back to haunt him and I can’t even believe I’m writing this, but there are apparently negotiations surrounding #PaulMashatile becoming President, and due to an expected large loss in the ANC vote, this will only happen under a coalition with the EFF. Then #Malema will be our deputy. This is after Cyril is removed of course. I don’t mean to be alarmist, only controversial, but it sounds rough, right?  I think we can expect this place to go through a little more than that before we sound the alarm though. Look around you, #DdMabuza (our former deputy President) exited as a member of parliament, so that worked. Apparently in this #PhantomCabinetReshuffle, #BhekiCele is on the chopping block, sounds good. So let’s be positive, but prepared, grab your #Bonaqua and move fast. We are not sloths.

Let me wrap this up because it’s Friday and we all want shot of it. It’s March, how did it become March? Nothing happened about AKA’s death, “another Senzo” is what Twitter is calling it.  The #AmaZuluQueen is accused of infidelity. The #PublicNeglector, Madam Busi, called #ProfThuliMadonsela to court and then decided they weren’t going to talk to her. Later that day, after the good Professor left, Dali said he may call her again. This is the news I watch so you don’t have to. It made my eyes bleed. We’re on the final witness before Madam herself gets called to answer, so expect anything. Dali is not a sloth, he’s a badger.

Here’s the gallop home guys: #CycloneFreddy caused chaos from #Mozam to #Limpopo, and floods followed. #Unathi was uncancelled by #GarethCliff (I didn’t even realise she was cancelled). SABC has no board, #Vodacom hiked their prices and the next #BRICS summit will be held here on home ground. #Wits students brought Braamfontein to a halt as they lay on the ground because they’ve been living in libraries and begging to be educated while the senior management at the university are on a retreat. Vusi #Thembekwayo gave an interview that was pro-apartheid and Twitter went mad.

I have two last bits and they may cheer you up. The First Women’s #TeamSA made it to the T20 World Cup Finals. Seems sisters are doing it for themselves? And there are rumours that #Zuma might just be #LaConco’s “petal” in the Real Housewives of Durban. (If you’re a fan like me, your eyes will be wide now). It was a mixed bag this week, and I’m so tired about speaking about #Eskom. Go on, take the weekend off, do something outdoors that doesn’t require electricity, but make sure you take your #Bonaqua. I’ll be getting a different kind of water this weekend. Thank goodness the bottom of the ocean doesn’t have sloths. It has an array of other magical creatures, but not sloths, unless our warship sank and there is a few clinging to the debris.

I’m Tonya Khoury and you’ve just scratched the media surface with Acumen.