I have good news and bad news.  Well, actually that’s what this report is about isn’t it, but seriously, I do.  The good news is we woke up with a President this morning; the bad news is we woke up with a President this morning.  Diving with sharks is easier than reading these headlines.  Well to be fair, diving with sharks is awesome.  It is because of my fabulous birthday present that I have the temerity to #ScratchTheSurface with Acumen Media. So join me as we get deep and dark. Well if you’ve dived with Bull Sharks, you’ll pretty much do anything.

#Farmgate has been hanging like a noose around cupcake’s neck for almost a year now.  I have to be honest; I’ve always been quite dismissive of this conversation because, in my opinion, the man is a billionaire and if #UncleCyril wants to hide money in his sofa, that’s really up to him.  If he finds the loss he buried in polyester treasure negligible, again that’s up to him.  But as it turns out, I was wrong all along, because the Prez had DOLLARS in his sofa. The Benjamins not the Randallas.  That’s the rub!  That makes all the difference according to a panel of four judges.  They handed over a report that was thicker than the #StateCaptureReport in what seemed to be a couple of weeks.  Weeks? Maybe I wasn’t paying attention.  After the handover ceremony (as we do with these reports), the broadcast was spreading from station to station, like an infection across the nation, the headlines went wild. Words like step-aside, suspension, stepdown and finally, and this was when our hearts sank, resignation. Now I was watching on the edge-of-my-seat as Rama was going to address the nation. Then he changed his mind, and left us hanging, quite literally.  The speed of this story smacks of #Zuma, that train crash speed. Though you know you can’t stop it when they start to play. You just have to get out of the way.  Run, Run, Run, Run, Run Away!

With over half a million results across 170 countries in seven days, it’s safe to say that #Farmagate is our top story this week. The president’s reputation has tanked to -82% in net sentiment.

Questions for the audience please: It’s taken these concoctions of panels and judiciaries close to a decade to prosecute #Zuma with nine hundred charges, yet, tada! It took #StateCapture four years to present their books and now it seems like we can do it swiftly, and with style. But it depends on the political alliances.  I say this because all that you are reading was “uncovered” by Arthur (I’m rolling with Zuma) Fraser.  He’s the guy who let #Zuma out of prison on #MedicalParole.  Let’s look at this from the perspective of the instigators (nice word hey); they’re super smart and tighter than the locked jaws of a #pitbull. The millisecond the report was released, the #TerribleTwins showed themselves.  #TerribleTwins, no man not the Zuma Dudus, I’m talking about #NkosozanaStillAZuma and #LindiweMedusaSisulu.  They were first out the gate to shout for cupcake to leave the room.  What do you make of this SA?  If he resigns I’m going to personally go and give him a lecture and secondly who on earth would step into his designer shoes? Naturally it is #DDMabuza the “D word”, the man we don’t talk about because we are so scared of him.  Shoot first ask questions later, that’s the double D.  He’s so quiet that it’s not normal, there’s something super wicked there and even this Leb can’t look too deep.

There is a special #ANCNEC meeting today to address this now very pressing issue. Imagine how #uncleCyril must be feeling walking into a cesspit.  I read this headline on EWN that made me laugh “…Mashatile has gone out to NEC members informing them that the virtual meeting will now be physically held at Nasrec on Friday…”  My editor is going to have a field day with that sentence. I digress … back to #CouchlessCyril, clinched and choked by his own #StepAside rule.  He’s walking straight into #PandorasBox. Another person waiting for today’s #NEC is #ZweliVibesMkhize with a big gluttonous smile on his face as he aligns himself with the terrible twins, both sets of them. What a wicked game you play, to make us feel this way. The Politics of Moving.

On the day before the release of the #PhalaphalaReport, our former president #TerminallyIllZuma was dancing up a storm at #Nkandla where a #ShembeChurch prayer vigil had congregated .  Why a prayer vigil?  I think it’s because it’s been ruled that he has to go to prison; notice I didn’t say “go back to prison”, he was never there in the first place.  I digress, now when I say dancing, I’m not talking about a slow waltz here, I’m talking about a full-on Zulu Dance and he shaya’d it like a boss. He was always a great at dancing president #ShowerHead.  The #PoliticsOfDancing.  The priests were there listening to his “address”. He told them how persecuted he was.  He said that never in the history of any country has a president been so persecuted.  Does anyone buy this stuff?  Well, if you could have seen the display, there was a massive congregation to pray for Zuma and the very next day our current President is served his IRP5 on a dirty plate stained with grubby fingerprints. #ThePoliticsOfDancing

Zuma, for a terminally ill man, has been remarkably busy.  He was seen dressed to kill with #SchabirShaik (still alive too) at the opening of a restaurant called #Zuma, in Durbs.  I reckon we should go in there and pinch the cutlery.  It’s the least we can do.  Who’s with me? Seriously though my friends, what are we going to do about this?  I see the DA are tjoepstil – I think they are daunted by the idea that they might actually have a race.  Right now, this #DAHater thinks it’s not such a bad idea.  Now you know just how scared I am.

Once a year I have the daunting task of summarizing what happened over the twelve months in the media.  An annual wrap of all my ramblings and grumblings.  It’s a mammoth task, but I’ll tell you what I’ve learnt putting this together.  Hindsight is definitely 20/20.  It’s so obvious you’re going to kick yourself for still sitting on your couch. It’s out next week, so make sure you’ve subscribed, it’s terrifying.  It’s a bad #StephenKing novella. I mention it now because you may think that #JanusWalus is a new story, right? You’re so wrong.  He’s been on our timelines all year.  It’s so orchestrated it’s ridiculous. #WeWerePlayed, again.

This chap ,#Janus, murders a noble man with a morale code and vision for a better future for all. Waluz served his time and we ruled to release him on parole. He’s not even a SA resident so (to be fair) I was expecting #operationDudula at the door, but no, he is meant to be serving his parole here in SA.  Question?  Do you get to leave prison if you killed #Hani?  Remember at the time our country was on the knife’s edge, for a change.  My word what we have lived through? Surely what he did was treason, and he should never be allowed in society again?  Those are my thoughts and I’m sure they yours too.  But within a few days of this news, #Walus was stabbed by one of his mates, not one of the inmates, one of his mates that is an inmate. Something is off, something big, and it’s not just a rat this time. #PoliticsOfMoving

I’ve been watching the most incredible series, it’s called the #194Enquiry where we are still trying to impeach madam.  You remember her #BusisiweMkhwebane, “madam” to you and me.  #DaliMpofu must be rolling in cash guys, tell him to step away from the sofa.  You’ll remember he made a motion for the Chair to recuse himself – that failed – but took a good week.  This week he asked for all the evidence leaders to be removed.  Why? Because they are racist.  (Side note, there’s no white people amongst them).  That didn’t fly either, but it did incense the Chair and, my word, has this man got patience.  He should be given a prize and a balloon.  I mean he sat there listening to insult after insult, side swipe after right hook and he just let it roll off his back onto the floor under his feet where it belonged all along.  The show went on and then we finally had the first witness, not madam, of course not, that might happen in 2028 when her term is completely over.  Disgusting, that she even bears the name “Public Protector” – anything but.  #RETProtector #PublicNeglector.  Anyway, this first witness went on about a vendetta he had with some people in the PP’s office over three terms and not once did he mention madam. Only right at the end, he said she helped him resolve his issue (basically she spoke to him).  #AdvocateBawa, what a formidable force she is, asked one question after three hours of testimony that pulled that rat’s nest apart:  Did you find Madam Mkhwebane to be efficient at her job?  He responded to say he hadn’t really dealt with her but that she was very efficient.  Oi, Dali, a word china.  Are you just going to pull randoms off the street to testify so this can go on for years and years?  Sounds like a great plan for your cashflow, but a very bad one that shouldn’t be allowed in a judiciary as good as ours. #PoliticsForFooling

My words are running out and I feel like I only just got started so let’s talk about #Diabetes, apparently it makes you a racist.  That’s right, when you have a diabetic low, there is a good chance you could start saying things like “all black men should be killed and all black women should have their uterus’ removed”. What is accosting my ears now?  In case you missed it Not so #PrettyBelinda Magor, since arrested, sent a voice note that put #PennySparrow to shame.  When asked why she said such despicable things she said she was having a diabetic low.  Having lived with a diabetic for many years and having seen lows, I can promise you that not one racial slur was heard, ever.  Can the courts move as swiftly as they did on #Phalaphala here please, she really needs to be schooled in orange?  You my dear need to apologise to the diabetic community and then you have to serve time. Despicable!

Time to speed up as my word count dries up.  #16DaysofActivism was this week, the same week we released crime stats that show the 10,000 rapes and 7,000 murders that were recorded over the past three months.   Ya, that #16Days campaign thing is working.  Listen, why don’t you call those four furniture removal okes with the #FarmGate report, they seem to move swiftly enough. #16Days, tsek.

South Africa has had #Steinhoff in chunks and has now launched its own prosecution against the dirty thieves.  According to reports, FNB customers spent R3bn on #BlackFriday, those midnight mall bashings are over, we had CoVid guys remember?  We shop online now, no need for bricks, mortar, queues and trolleys.

Crossing the waters, #TrevorNoah is back and is opening a restaurant in SA, you do you Trev, if cooking is now your thing, enjoy.  There was a massive volcano eruption in Hawaii and for the first time in as long as I can remember there were riots, massive ones, in China.  #ElonMusk keeps breaking and then fixing his new toy. I may have to unfollow him because he tweets more than Trump, who, funnily enough, has not tweeted a thing since his account was reinstated.  And then there’s the World Cup, that’s meant to be my cheer you up.  Um, it’s been boring and apart from Ghana, the footy has been poor. Maybe it’s too hot, maybe it’s not.  Maybe cause we all know it’s rigged.  I don’t know, but for the first time since as long as I can remember, there is no set of group tables printed on my fridge and I couldn’t tell Neymar from Messi.  Hope you’re enjoying it though.  I’m being a Karen but once you’ve dived the BULL ring filled with Zambezi Sharks everything else is just worth a shrug.

The #PoliticsofDancing – try to feel good, #Dezemba is here.  Finally!  Just hide under the bed but step away from the couch.

I’m Tonya Khoury and you’ve just scratched the surface with Acumen Media