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South Africa’s #JerrySpringer Show

Date: 05.26.2024

Written By

Tonya Khoury

#JerrySpringer died this week. When I was a kid I loved his show, the outrageous characters, his jaw dropping questions, the on-stage off-stage heckling, sometimes even “real” fights happened on stage. He would always end his show with a bit of sense and these words “take care of yourself and each other”. Great TV for its time. I wonder what South Africa’s #JerrySpringerShow would look like today.

It’s time to get the nails against that blackboard and scratch the surface with Acumen Media.

In this week’s show, we have the man who says he will arrest Putin; men who stole a whole country and got away with it; black magic at the root of the mutilation of two toddlers aged 5 and 6. You also get to meet the man behind #ProjectOstrich, he knows why a country cannot keep the lights on but won’t tell us the name of the mafia head. This and many more in today’s bumper edition of the South African #JerrySpringerShow with your host Tonya Khoury. That’s how the act would read, and this one is not staged. Well, some bits are, but you know what I mean.

Let’s begin with how the South African flag fell on #Ramaphosa’s head during his visit to Finland. Finland, really? Wow, you do get around cupcake. Ramatress was giving his monotone speech to the Finnish and the flagpole behind him fell over and almost knocked him off the podium. The President can be heard saying “whoopsie” as someone behind him scrambles to catch the flag. Whoopsie, indeed. Another glaring sign of our spiraling demise was that the prez put a wreath on #ORTambo’s tombstone with much pomp and circumstance. How apt, it feels like the ANC died and the President should be toppled from his podium. A fitting entrance to this week’s #SAJerrySpringerShow.

Everyone, meet Alan Winde. Winde is pronounced Windy, a bit like the flag flying moment and it rhymes with Whoopsie, so that’s fitting. Winde declared that should Putin come to the windy Western Cape, he would be sure to arrest the man (PutIN jail). Only Western Cape then, Windy poop? Joburg is fine then? Your statement doesn’t make any sense. A bit like the President’s other whoopsie this week when he said we left the ICC and then retracted to say we are still a “signatory” to the ICC. The ICC is the international body that has issued an arrest warrant for Putin. So, when we say we are still a signatory, that means we’re still part of it. Just new words to confuse the audience. Time for an interjection to all that’s been said on stage – let’s surrender the mic to Mother Russia. She has so much on us that we simply cannot abide with this international law. We should, but we will be proper toast if that happens. Look, we’re going to get burnt regardless, but rather the Yanks than Putin. It is typical #JerrySpringer that this particular country, SA, is center stage for more drama than is already on the line up on this show. So, Windy, be very quiet please. Why? Because you can’t even arrest a #CapeFlats gangster let alone a war lord. Putin has threatened war on any country that arrests him, so Mr President and Windy, step away from yet another whoopsie and watch for falling flags. #JerryJerry.

Last week, in casual conversation, we spoke about the men who stole a whole country. Sadly, they couldn’t be here for today’s show. A set of rich thugs that dropped their own type of bombs on South Africa by looting it until it was centless. Take a look at these guys, a bloated bunch of family members going by the name #Gupta. They took control of a different president, Zuma, and bankrupted one of the most lucrative countries on earth. Obviously, when the law finally took its course, there was a need for a completely different TV Show called #StateCaptureInquiry lead by the enigmatic #CJRaymondZondo.

So, off these guys run to Dubai and when SA finally finds them, whoopsie, we are told that the head of the UAE refuses to extradite these #GuptaGangsters for court proceedings. They brought too much money back to the UAE, you see. Does money buy everything? Even Freedom for the wicked? Civil society, having had enough of all this skullduggery, pulled into action and protested outside the Emirates Embassy. #KathradaFoundation and #OUTA both fighting the same good fight. Why aren’t we standing with them? Why are we allowing this to happen? There has to be a consequence for this inaction. A pretty big one. So very #JerrySpringer. In true #SpringerStyle, the head of Emirates arrived in SA and didn’t bother to go through our airport system (the #Guptas did that too), but instead went straight to the red carpeted airstrip. #BinZayed living it up on our devastation. The audience is getting restless. But we’re not done.

Next is this sickening story, one which is difficult to write about let alone imagine. Three toddlers were taken by elders, close family friends (perhaps even family members). They were five- and six-year-olds. One of the little boys escaped, but the two remaining toddlers were chopped up, mutilated for body parts that were in turn sold for black magic. The remaining body parts that couldn’t be sold were shoved into black bin liners and given to other children to throw away. One of the perpetrators was considered a granny to the kids. This is too sick even for #JerrySpringer. There is a special place in hell for these people. A developing and disgusting story as we will learn more in the coming weeks about this 50-year-old woman and her partner and how one of the parent’s cars is filled with the blood of the children. I can’t write about this anymore, forgive me. #OurBoys.

Yet another horror story up next, a school feeding scheme stopped distributing meals to our children due to fraud and corruption. How are the fraudsters different to the #OurBoys killers? A piece of paper is all that divides them. Too much for the audience.

Let’s change the tone as I’m sure you’re feeling a little lightheaded like me. Let me introduce you to #AndreDeRuyter, the guy who tried to spill the beans on #Eskom’s #MafiaState. He attended SCOPA this week. #SCOPA is a parliament LTE for those who don’t know. The questions from the audience didn’t stop. They all had the same question, who is behind this corruption? Who is this minister or senior politician you keep referring to #DeRuyter? Each time it was asked, and it was asked many times, #DeRuyter declined to give any information. I’m not sure why he has come to the show to be honest, just wanted to be seen on stage? He said the HAWKS and others had the names but we are not among the privileged. We the sixty million, don’t get that kind of information on the Jerry Springer Show. What we did learn is that there was a R50m investigative unit called “Project Ostrich” that #DeRuyter appointed to find these skelms. Yes, #projectOstrich, I don’t make these things up, I just read the news so you don’t have to. Now that is far more like the #JerrySpringerShow.

#Ackerman the pedo was found guilty of 740 charges all concluding that he is a child predator, and he is the strongest argument to bring back the death penalty.

Ok let’s wrap this up.

#Zille tweeted that in order to be “woke” in the LBGTI+ community you need to be trans. No, I’m not making it up and yes she used the word “woke” (past participle of wake). Between her, Windy, Jumping John and #KetangPhalatse (who was back for her chain again this week by the way), we are truly stuck in an endless #JerryLoop.

A dead Tshwane man was caught with a stolen car, ya see, there’s a #ThaboBester everywhere. Speaking of last week’s guest: #Bester’s story shifted focus to the body in Cell 35, #Katlego. Katlego allegedly died of “short breath” whatever that is. I’m sure we were told there was a large contusion to his head. This story doesn’t add up. I’ve said it before, I’m saying it again. Something is rotten in the state of Finland. Or is it Denmark?

In closing on the home front, Avian Flu killed 120000 chickens this week and Distell Delisted. If you were playing scrabble, you’d see that DISTELL also makes DELIST. Ha! Ok that’s actually not funny. It was #FreedomDay, are we free? What does free look like again? Bloated, overfed and rich? For others, it may look like that #PRIME energy drink at a tenth of the cost as local retailers bring the drink price down from R400 to R40. Obviously, you’re all going to buy it, because it was R400. So clever, not you man, the marketers. Sorry, that was an unnecessary punch, but it is the #JerryShow.

Across the world, Gift of the Givers are in Sudan helping South Africans scramble out of a warzone. #TuckerCarlson was fired, #DameEdna passed away and if you haven’t been following the #WrexhamFC story, you should, it brings so much joy.

I’m Tonya Khoury, thank you for scratching the surface with me. Take care of yourselves, and each other. #RIPJerrySpringer.


South Africas JerrySpringer Show

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