I’m actually starting with good news. Can you believe it? I feel so out of character. I’m not grumpy, imagine? Who is this person? I’ll tell you who I am, I’m a proud South African. Why? Because our country, government and you (yeah you) the reader showed anarchy who’s boss! And the answer is, like I said last week, we are silent revolutionaries.

The EFF didn’t realise that their shutdown was actually an #EFFCloseDown. #SANDF on the streets and #SAPS actually at work, all bonuses, and then to crown the #EFFAreShutdown, you, civil society, stopped the red splash (no longer a tide) from making any impact whatsoever. Well they did make an impact … on our patriotism. AND we had electricity for almost three days. What a novelty that was, hey? I think we’ve found our niche for the EFF, march every day guys. The police were there, and the lights were on. That basically turned SA into Utopia. I was doing cartwheels in front of my teevee. Well not really, I was grinning though, like a Cheshire cat.

Let’s go back to the start. If we are honest, we all woke up with a pit in our tummies on the 20th March, we hoped we had done enough but we were nervous. Julius rules with fear, but we had made it clear we will not be played. It began, as one would expect, with burning tyres and stun grenades. And then, slowly but deliberately, our timelines filled with civil society collecting the tyres that were dropped off at key points for the anticipated Eff “show of force”. According to media reports, 47 000 tyres were collected, so now we are managing climate change too. We are taking out the rubbish. I did laugh when Maimane said: “Even drum majorettes don’t march so much”. That was funny! Our part-time President said that anarchy would not be tolerated; he stated the obvious on behalf of the nation, that we were not playing this wicked game with or without your presence Ramaphosa.

Let’s put ourselves in the EFF shoes for a minute, uncomfortable but definitely branded shoes. They lost a financial fortune on this so-called shutdown. I’m not sure how it was in civilization but here in rural KZN there were posters on every street light (ok to be fair we don’t have many), but they had made their way right up to the northern tip of SA. The cost of that alone was huge. Then we learnt at the #EFFPresser from Juju’s own mouth that the EFF bussed in 150 000 people. So basically, everyone we saw marching had been paid.  Imagine the cost of that? In the same breath, he blamed the national bus companies for the failure of the march, no wait, that’s incorrect, he insists the march didn’t fail. He didn’t dare attack the taxi association which is the real reason that everyone went to work. Who did he blame? Electricity. Why? Because, according to the CIC, people would have been “bored if it was stage 6 and come to join the EFF” – I’m sorry what? Are you saying that this was just something to do? Julius, I had so much respect for you when you first stepped into your red suede shoes, now you are just redundant, a noise, a stone in our no name brand shoe that can be removed, you got that right? You understood our message loud and clear. We have told you, with conviction, to shut up. #SilentRevolution.

Of course, if you ask Juju, this was the best march in the history of South Africa. He even said you can compare it to the #SowetoUprising or to the iconic #HectorPeterson moment in time. You chop, do you think you won friends with that comment? Julius said it was a peaceful protest, like he said it would be. This man forgets that nothing you say is erased, we live in the digital age of social media where your words live forever. You, #Malema, said if they come for you, show twice the force, and that #Fidelity must kiss their families goodbye in the morning because they won’t make it home and now you are telling us that this is what you planned all along. #Voetsek man. Go drink #pennyroyaltea with Zuma.

The funniest bit was when he addressed the #NhlanhlaLux debacle. I mean really, what on earth was that all about? I’m surprised Lux didn’t tell us he had decuplets. I’ve decided I’m a flip-flopper myself because I used to really dig Lux, well during the #Insurrection anyway. He appeared to stop the rampage on Jabulani Mall with a single speech. Then he started #operationDudula, the xenophobic movement, but that didn’t sit well with SA. Then he left that, and my hope was renewed. He said before the #EFFNotSoShutdown that he would arrest Julius himself, and he was seen to be collecting tyres like there was a recycling reward on the cards. And then this … he tweeted, yes tweeted, that his house had been bombed and his family was dead. Look firstly, if my family was in danger, let alone dead, I wouldn’t be tweeting I’d be levitating, and the last port of call would be social media. The media turned up to find a some broken windows (from the inside) and a big hole in the garden that looked like a giant mole had made a good tunnel. Apt analogy hey? What a farce. His family are alive and well and the Gogo he was heralding for saving lives on the streets reappeared in a few hours as the neighbour. She said she heard “kwakakakakakaka” and never quite finished her story. I think she forgot the script. Julius said this is not Netflix and I have to agree with him, Lux is a joke, and so are you Juju. Anyone who pretends their family is dead doesn’t deserve an ounce of respect, just look at #KhakiCarl who said his mum died for an insurance claim.

Queue Bheki Cele, donning a new hat this time, with a logo that read “Coffee with a cop”. Rolls eyes, hiding in plain sight. He lamented the Lux incident and then hightailed it out of there when the narrative got messy. As for Fikile #MinisterofAlles Mbalula, he was running around scoring media interviews like they were bonus points for his Clicks card. Check out our upcoming mini biographies. We start with #Mbaks. How can we not?

Another thing South Africa, where is this so-called law and order when we are the rape capital of the world, and where murders happen every few minutes? Can the cops please come to work more often, perhaps we should employ Julius to threaten you every week? Then we’ll get things done. Even Richards Bay was quiet, and that I was not expecting. So basically, good people, Julius is the king on Twitter and we just jogged on with our day, literally. But there is a good point here, we can do it if we want to. We have got that power. Outside of #Razmataz and his headline grabbing, we, the people, did this. We showed the EFF exactly what we thought of replacing #Ramatress with #Mashatile (and likely Juju). We said no. Well, I’m putting it politely, we said a lot more than that. #EFFCLOSEDown.

The next day was #HumanRightsDay, what a joke, we have no water, no electricity and no internet, and there are no human rights left. So again, we stayed at home and enjoyed the electricity we were given as a stipend.

In other news, I made popcorn and settled in to watch Advocate Bawa make mincemeat of #busiMkhwebane. It was finally the evidence leaders’ turn and the #PublicNeglector was about to get roasted. Natural next steps … sick note. For an entire week nogal, coincidentally, that’s the time that was set aside to grill her, and the dates were when her legal team’s (uDali’s) boodle would have been hoovered up. And now she has no more cash. Well not her; WE have no more cash because these fees are coming out of the PP’s office. #Dyanti was furious. He looked like he was going to explode. Run Busi, run run run, run run run away.

Dali is racking up the randallas in the Maughan / Downer matter with uBaba. Jacob looked bored, he’d much rather be opening restaurants or dancing with La Conco, but instead he himself had to endure the endless babble that is Dali’s talent. How to tell a story with more words than you can ever imagine. The judges, not playing games, called on Dali to stop speechifying his argument and get on with it. I like that word, speechifying. Anyway, short story, judgement reserved, we will hear what the court says as early as next week. You are not at the 194 Enquiry now Dali, here you have to be a real advocate.

Then the EFF’s motion of no confidence on Mapisa Ngakula failed, I guess that’s what you planned, hey Juju? OR what is the spin on this one? We also saw the vote for a committee on #Farmgate fall flat on its face. We held our breath; they could have unseated #PartTimeCyril with that, phew. We don’t have respect for our president, but we are not stupid. #BetterTheSlothYouKnow.

One of the biggest headlines of the week: DA’s Steenhuisen is one foot out the leader door with Phalatse (the woman who was obsessed with her mayoral chain) stepping up for the prime position. I think they may just read these reports. Finally, we don’t have to vote for jumping Botox John. But #KetangPhalatse? Meh. Reluctant electorate.

There is so much I haven’t covered and I have long run out of words. So, let’s cut to the chase: Bosasa liquidator was shot along with his son, sadly both dead. Thabo Bester, the Facebook killer, was finally dealt with. Paul #Mashatile did his inaugural #QandA and it was a snooze fest apart from the fire in parliament just before he took to the stage. That was curious. Has someone checked on our Guy Fawkes, #Mafe? The Free State Premier’s house was set ablaze. Big fires everywhere. Gayton McKenzie’s speech, though impressive, was just lip service. You may not know this, but this man is a convicted bank robber and his partner, Kenny Kunene is the #sushiking. Follow the exit signs. The best news this week, not the non-march, no it was the winner of “Deal or No Deal” who walked away with 250k. Now that was a great story!

Here’s one big story you forgot, where is #AndreDeRuyter? You see this happens all the time, like where is that toxicology report from #EnyobeniTavern? We will never know because we are focusing on electioneering. And what of the death of #AKA? Nothing, zip nada. #Stories swept under the rug.

Across the waters, Uganda rules into law that being gay is illegal. #AlJazeera drops a doccie on gold mafia and journalism gets more dangerous. #Trumpy didn’t get arrested but the memes are brilliant. Israel denies Palestinians exist as the Brits remove the word apartheid from the dictionary.

Allow me to end on a positive note. Today is the official start of South Africa’s #Ramadan. Happy Ramadan my friends, bring on the charity and the good. We need to unite more than ever before. Our country and indeed the world needs good intention.

I’m Tonya Khoury and thank you for scratching the surface with Acumen Media.

Want to read more? We have a new treasure trove in the making. Find our tongue in cheek biographies on the Acumen Media website. Today we feature #FikileMbalula. You’ll laugh.