Before we even get started, can you believe we’re auctioning off all of #Madiba’s stuff. Today I see his hearing aids are being auctioned, yesterday his ID book. What is wrong with us? I’m disgusted. One of the greatest people to ever come out of this country and we’re auctioning him off in bits. #HandsOffMandela.
Yes, I’m back and it’s time to #ScratchTheSurface of #JanuWorry. Strap yourself in because it started internationally with #AliensInMiami and the #EpsteinList. Don’t say you wanted a quiet year; you knew that was never going to happen because 2024 is giving us a whole lot more.
Firstly, a hearty congratulations to those of you who made it through #matric. Last night I watched the country celebrate huge percentage passes amongst government schools. What is forgotten is that by way of example, the Northern Cape and Free State had a drop out rate of 41%! I’m not going to tell you all of it, but numbers often do what you want them to if they are spun right. #MatricResults our Department of Education has a great deal to answer for, but as it’s a new year, it’s better to focus on the school pics that flooded social media in #BackToSchool. The littleys have the widest eyes and smiles. That warmed the cockles of my cynical monitoring heart.
There is so much news, but I wouldn’t be doing you justice (pardon the pun) if I didn’t mention SA’s legal team that represented South Africa at the #ICJ in a war crimes tribunal against Israel. #GazaGenocide. Sometimes my country can get things so right and then most times we get it so wrong. Despite the war crime allegations before the tribunal, #Netanyahu said that nothing and no-one would stop him, and the Israel referred to the South African nation as monkeys. Oi Penny? Penny Sparrow? Have you immigrated? I have much to say on this topic and the war crimes in Gaza, but I know I’m preaching to the choir. The whole of South Africa rose and welcomed back our legal team as justice heroes. We are now also “suing” #Israel – none of it will work. Almost two million people are displaced and there are one hundred trucks with water and food that barely make it in every day. This is a drop in an ocean of despair as disease and famine arrives, cloaked in horror, to finish the job. We failed you #Gaza. Nothing stopped the IDF kicking grown men into a hole and shooting them in the head. Years from now our children will ask why we did nothing, and it won’t help but at least we can say that South Africa tried. It’s just not cricket. With 760k posts and over 2,6 million engagements this is certainly the biggest story across our country. #RIPGaza.
Back at home we saw #Zuma doing so very well. He’s singing #Umshiniwami with such gusto one would swear he was a twenty-year-old. He launched the #MKParty, and Carl Khaki Niehaus must be devastated as he sits with a red beret on his head. Look we all know that #MK and #EFF will join forces; they basically even told us so. Isn’t this place crazy? Apparently, the IEC has made it clear that #Zuma cannot be President because of his criminal record. They left out the point that according to the ANC he’s still part of their crew. How messed up is that? So now #Ramaposer must fire #Zuma, but the sloth continues to move at his own pace and Zuma is still a member of the ANC, even as I write this today. Zuma has also been barred from attending funerals and we all want to know if #SchabirShaik will be heading into Zuma’s cabinet. There had better be a doctor on hand for sick notes because those two alone have a few unanswered questions in court. I’ll tell you who was not impressed by #Zuma’s #PoliticsOfDancing: Fikile #MinisterOfAlles Mbalula. He tuned us straight, he was raging, he vomited about how the ANC had bent over backwards for Zuma. He said the ANC even called his swimming pool a “firepool”. Well, that didn’t go down swimmingly. Admitting that you lied to parliament for an incumbent president is not the brightest political move. He’s been gagged. Let’s not even talk about #BladeNzimande and #Nsfas complete joke, both these clowns should be behind bars, and Zuma too.
Electioneering is all over the place, but the DA is a #DAsaster. Many good people are out of there. Largely due to their pro-Israel stance, John must be jumping mad. It doesn’t matter because while this was happening, the ANC celebrated its 112th birthday. All we saw was the cake and then a viral social media post of a member kissing another member who was not his wife. His response: “All comrades need love”. Are you laughing? I certainly am. But wait there’s more magic: in an advert for the #CapeIndependenceParty, a fellow in a baby blue pullover and khaki chino’s waves a tiny book around and proclaims that Cape Town has a right to exit SA. #CapeExit they’ve called it when it should be #SAExit but never mind, you do you buddy, make sure your ego can fit on top of that mountain won’t you? Imagine the currency, and the size of the great wall and a passport that will cost you one million Shoowaaahhs. I’m finished! You definitely feel lucky punk.
Running out of words now, oh man. So. Many. Stories. Teffo is fighting a jail sentence; SA is headed for recession, and there is a twenty-hour water outage in Johannesburg while #Mchunu holds a water summit. *Rolls eyes so far back into her head she can see her brain. There were big shoot outs like it was the wild wild west and Bheki, still with his hat in hand, Cele told us he would not be held hostage by criminals. This line is like something out of a Spaghetti Western, isn’t it? All we need is music by Ennio Morricone and a John Wayne one-liner. “I won’t be wronged”. Do you feel lucky punk? Well, do ya?
#KZNFloods are causing damage up and down the eastern coast and Ecoli has found a home in Umhlanga. Loadshedding is back, you’re not surprised right? Bafana missed the goal for AFCON, still no surprise, and there is a sinkhole in Carltoneville. Any surprises thus far, anyone? #Marshalltown fire victims’ accommodation was so poor that it too was flooded. Still no surprises. Wait, what about this one: social grants haven’t been paid. No, nothing? #Pistorius was released. Anything, nothing? Wow you guys are so hard to please. Ok I have it… #Orania is open for all races as long as you identify as an #Afrikaaner. Ha! Gotcha! It’s true even people of colour are allowed IF they act and think like an Afrikaaner. Punks in the beerlight.
#TrevorNoah won an #EmmyAward, and #Davos is upon us. #NkosozanaZuma retired, what’s a bet she turns up at MK? If you haven’t watched the #TBJoshua documentary you should, that’s a punk and a half. And then to cheer me up, the Real Housewives of Durban is back.
There are many stories I didn’t cover, there is simply too much, and you just got back and I want to be kind to you because it is the wild west my friends and no #ClintEastwood in sight.
There’s only one thing for it – jumping on a boat, even if there are 35km winds. Welcome home don’t let 2024 kick you to the floor. We’re thrivers not just survivors. I’m Tonya Khoury and thank you for scratching the surface with me and Acumen Media.