It was a week for court tv and cold drink. #PRIMECrime. If I’m going to hazard a guess, I’m going to say you didn’t watch either the #ThaboBester or #SenzoMeyiwa trial in full. You probably were doing silly stuff like working or trying to work but being hindered by Stage 6. Maybe you were standing in a winding queue with a cold drink in your hand because your kid, who you are living vicariously through, insisted you buy it. “PRIME is only R40 Mom!” Whether you watched the trials or stood in the queues or just tried to make a living, you were duped. A #PrimeCrime.
I’m Tonya Khoury, let’s crack open the lid of a clever marketing sensation and my love for court TV. Did you really gulp down that marketing spin? Have I taught you nothing? #PrimeCrime
There’s only one way to start a court room drama like the #SenzoMeyiwaTrial and that is with #AdvocateTeffo. He’s been disbarred, but those tiny nuances don’t bother him. He was in court demanding to see the judge in chambers. Ah #Teffo, cast your mind back to the joker in the courtroom. Let me make you smile at least, it is Friday after all. Did you know that Teffo represented Zuma before? No jokes, I wouldn’t make these things up, it’s funnier to tell the whole truth. I digress, keep an eye out for our #ScrubbingTheRedCarpet feature where we’ll dish the dirty plates and serve up Teffo. Anyway, Teffo is the one who said that #PresidentRamatress was involved in the #SenzoTrial. This week, though, he came up with more tricks. When approached by journalist Alex Mitchley, Teffo said F You, and he didn’t use F. He said he hates white people, what part of that don’t we understand. This is all true. Moving on, he said he would call a media briefing because he loves press conferences. Either that or he loves embarrassing himself. So at the last press conference, he said he’d answer questions at the press conference even though he was literally speaking at his press conference. And his promised “media briefing” this week didn’t transpire. This is the stuff I go through so you don’t have to. I hope you’re laughing, I swear he’s going to produce decuplets next.
Disbarred Attorneys and drinks aside, do you know that I have friends, virtual ones. Don’t let anyone tell you that virtual friends don’t count, they do. They live in the YouTube chat rooms and jabber away during these court room dramas. The room is filled with armchair jurors and super sleuths. Some are even lawyers or legal practitioners, some are just trolls. I wonder if the prosecution or the defense checks those chatrooms after a day in court. If they don’t, they’re missing a trick. We, the YouTube Court, have already worked out exactly what happened and some of these virtual jury duty friends believe they can even prove it. There were relevant questions raised by Anonymous32 and Scorpio007 and contradictions highlighted by Alta (we love Alta) and we hung on to every unanswered and dangling participle in that chat room. It was chaos in there. I was so confused by all this contradiction that I ended up watching the doccie again because, like my friends, I was astonished at how the entire story changed so dramatically from what I remembered. And guess what, my virtual friends are correct. The testimony we saw this week was riddled with differences to the original story told to us years ago. Senzo didn’t die in Kelly Khumalo’s arms like she said, he died in hospital. Twala seems to have escaped quickly and with ease. He skipped by both intruders even though they were both armed. They let Twala pass them by as he ran outside. That bit was weird. He insists the intruders wanted cellphones and money, yet only Kelly’s phone was stolen.
Later Twala spoke about putting together an identikit for the “dreadlocked” gangster that is mentioned a lot, and referred to as the one with the gray hat. Well, he matches the identity of the man who washed Senzo’s car … he matched so well that he is, in fact, the man who washed Senzo’s car. Now both Kelly and Mandisa knew that small detail yet they failed to mention it, and when it came to light, the charges were dropped. What on earth is going on in this story? #PrimeCrime. Twala said that a few years after the murder of our soccer star, he was arrested and beaten and “tubed” by police. I didn’t know what tubed means, and believe me, you don’t want to know. He doesn’t really mention the reason for the torture and none of the testimony makes much sense. Twala broke down in the doc several times and took “comfort breaks” to compose himself.
If you lend yourself to speculation, as YouTube chatrooms generally do, consider this: Mandisa was married to Senzo and she adored him. But Senzo, rest his soul, was a bit of a lady’s man and had an affair with Kelly. So Mandisa and Kelly despised each other. So, between his beloveds and his best friends, no one will fess up to what happened in the house. There were no intruders, just like Oscar. #IntruderRefuter. Maybe there was a fight, like with Oscar, maybe a gun was drawn, like with Oscar, and maybe our hero was gunned down intentionally or by getting in between two other parties in the room where it was about to go down. Will we ever know? Unlikely. #PrimeCrime
Then, ignoring continuity, lets head to the #ThaboBester debacle, which also makes about as much sense as a R400 bottle of pop. This week we buried #KatlegoMpholo, the man that was meant to be #ThaboBester in Cell 35. Guess what? The NPA is dropping the case into the murder of Katlego, why you may ask? There are three different death certificates, each citing a different cause of death: unnatural, natural and unspecified. So, until that is resolved, basically his death lies in limbo. A bit like the rotting meat that #DrNandi put in the mortuary slab in his body’s place. Disgusting and almost unbelievable. #PrimeCrime.
#DrNandi arrived in court with her co-accused for their bail applications. One of the perpetrators wore shades. Yes, you read that right, he wore sunnies in court. How did the judge allow that? Well, the judge had a little smile across his face most of the time, as if he was happy to gain his fifteen minutes of fame. #GrimeyCrime on #PrimeTime.
This time #DrNandi didn’t have a hoody or a mask but kept brand loyal to Nike with a sweatshirt with a big swoosh on it. Ironic! Ha! Most people in this YouTube-consider-your-verdict chat channel weren’t using their sharp eyes to identify flaws in the plot, but instead commented relentlessly about how very beautiful she was. The others remarked on how she wears make up and got her edges done. How could she possibly have got edges in prison? All good questions, all irrelevant. Armchair jurors, they’re good but only once the court case starts, otherwise they’re a social media magnifying glass. There’s a new woman in the dock, Natasha Jansen (ex G4S), and her family was interviewed outside court. They told us what a wonderful woman she is. In the same breath, they said she’d been fired from G4S for nefarious activity. What did my Youtubers have to say: “She wore Adidas and her braids didn’t have edges.”
There was more drama around this Thabo Bester saga. #Simphiwe Ngema said that Tom Motsepe (Thabo Bester’s pseudonym) owed her cash. She said she actually went to the prison to collect it. Armchair Jurors to the rescue. How did she visit Tom if his name was Bester? True that. Let’s disrobe for a bit now, even I’m getting courtroom fatigue.
There’s a new set of keystone cops on our streets, we’re calling them #Warders. Over R450m is spent on training, food and transport to get these deputies on the streets. I wonder if they take PRIME or if a Coca-Cola will do? Too soon? Ah let’s give them a chance, we need good people to take care of our safety. I hope this is it. And please excuse my cynicism.
The #UFH University of Fort Hare story is getting scarier and is under reported because we’re all watching #JudgeJudy. The death of VC’s bodyguard and the subsequent claims of torture of employees of the University is threatening to explode into a really big story that we can’t look away from. But for now we are a little preoccupied.
Let’s get lively now and talk about that marketing scam you all bought into. #PRIME, a masterstroke, we all knew we were being played and we signed up. It tastes dreadful doesn’t it? I haven’t had it, obviously, but is that really lime? 1,4Million people tried to get R9 flights from #Safair, what a way to get a database in seconds, right? So smart, oh, you thought they did that for fun? #PrimeCrime. Eskom wants to install SMART switches into our homes to turn off our geysers etc. The short story, it’s a R45Bn project, so someone is in for a treat. I mean SMART switches, they don’t even try anymore, you could have said solar panels? A wind farm or two? I mean SMART Switches? Really? Go grab a #Prime because this is really a crime.
Here’s your #UnderTheRug moment. Seems we all forgot about the #KrugersdorpRapes? Well, apparently the victims were apologized to this week. But by whom and for what? History doesn’t relate.
A few more words and I’m out, I promise. Acumen released its “Audit of the Auditors” Report, it’s an eye opener. We discuss a big gaping hole in auditing’s reputation management called ‘guilt by association’. Check it out, its on Biz Community and it divulges the good, the bad and the ugly. It also gives you an opportunity to be an keyboard critic on an industry that is shrouded in mystery. Here’s the link: https://www.bizcommunity.com/Article/196/18/238071.html
#KirstenNeuschafer is the Golden Globe race winner. She spent 235 days at sea in the race and rescued a Finnish sailor on her trip. She’s a multi-tasker-master! We see you! Some of the South Africans are back from Sudan. Putin is still coming despite the assassination attempt with a drone, and if you buy that, then buy a can of Pine Nut or Crème Soda on the way out from the vending machine, you don’t deserve a PRIME. I’m out. I’m Tonya Khoury, stay away from fake marketing and media farces and just scratch the surface.