Yes, dear reader, I’ve been away, far away from the madding crowd I’ve been on a boat chasing bait balls and apex predators in the magnificent Transkei. But I am back at the news desk and this week’s banter is not unlike the #SardineRun. The #SardineRun is a race to catch the underwater action as the world’s biggest feeding frenzy takes over the wild coast waters. It’s incredible … but it’s the same energy that is used by our parliamentarians, except the objective is different: it’s the country’s purse, and in some instances, a clunky mayoral chain, a ketang! #MakeitMakeSense.
Before we go there, please understand, I’m on the back foot; the past ten days of my life I’ve been without connectivity and without the inclination to touch the toxic news timelines. It was terrific; I had no idea what I had missed, and it was daunting to come back to a pyramid of headlines that had accumulated over my break. I’m trying to untangle the mess, so please be gentle as we jump off this boat into the wild sea filled with action. #GoOnGo!
The #OpeningOfParliment was the top story unless you count the #Springboks. #Malema tore chunks out of #Ramaphosa’s past and then the president gave Juju a dressing down that one would expect from a school maam. He was calm and even jovial as he told Julius where to get off. His retort was so good that Malema could do nothing but laugh it off. It was brutal. It was needed.
While we were listening to our new ministers beg for money in their budgets, we learnt that the cops need R113BN to get through a year. That’s an awful lot of money to buy a coke right? Let’s hope that if it is misspent, #Groenewald will make a lekker cell for those who take the bribes. He’s been busy this week, the FF+ leader, kicking off with several raids on a couple of notorious jails. One was #SunCity or #SinCity, the prison close to a cluster of game reserves and parks. This particular prison is and always was filled with skullduggery until Groenewald swooped like a bird of prey on a pack of sardines and tied them all up like a bait ball. That was hilarious. He found more drugs than the sharks in Brazil, check out our YouTube channel for more. #NettingSardines.
Now let’s get to those #ketangs. The #GautengMayors, what a mess. Organisations like OUTA, Kathrada Foundation, Defend our Democracy and others formed the #JoburgCrisisAlliance. They are calling for Joburg Mayor #Gwamanda’s resignation. The pressure is mounting for him to leave and I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes next week. This, after a loan of R2,5BN from France was secured for Joburg council. What? Why are the French lending the Joburg council money? Please make it make sense. Then, still in Gauteng, Tshwane there was a brawl. Like Gannet birds fighting over the last sardine, the EFF and the DA tore chunks out of each other. It got nasty as the DA called their opposition a bunch of drunkards and the EFF called #Cilliers (the mayor) “pinky” and one member said he wanted to “moer ‘n boer”. So basically, in a nutshell, all sophistication was replaced with coarse abrasive behaviour. A bit like the #SardineRun during a feeding frenzy.
One of the largest stories this week was the #VBSBank looting. We learnt that #ZweliMkhize (remember our ex-health minister and #DigitalVibes thief) took R2m to help VBS chair, Matodzi, access government funds. Mkhize referred to it as #ChristmasMoney. A further R16m is alleged to have gone to #Juju and #FloydShivambu. All this happened in a dingy hotel in Cape Town. I’m glued to this case; it seems like the EFF and the ANC are not such enemies after all as they were both serving triple portions from the same buffet pot. Even the #TreasurerGeneral, #Mogajane, received bribes. #Matodzi entered into a plea agreement with the state and as soon as that agreement was signed his statement was “leaked” to the media. We also learned that families of two trade union leaders were killed for blowing the whistle on #VBSLooting. This stuff is crazier than seeing a #GreatWhite circle a boat, scarier than any shark: my jaw dropped. I saw who the defense was for the accused. It is none other than #ShaunTheSheep Abrahams. I’m sure you remember him dear reader. He was the head of the #NPA under #Zuma and he was only appointed because he followed uBaba’s instructions to the letter. uBaaaaaBaaaa, #ShaunTheSheep is back. Why is he not in jail? The guilty defending the guilty. Make it make sense.
On the subject of uBaba, Jacob #Zuma was called to attend an #ANC disciplinary hearing because he is still a member of the ANC but moonlighting as the leader of the opposing #MKParty. Of course, Zuma refused, nothing unusual here, it never made sense. There were marches in KZN where the MK Party was bleating about the election outcome. They woke up a bit late didn’t they? There are all sorts of shenanigans going on at #MK: #ArthurZwane resigned and #Zuma said, “No you don’t!” and so he returned quietly to his desk. Impeached #JudgeHlope continues to put many noses out of joint as he now not only leads the #MKParty to parliament, but he is also back on the judicial bench. Make this make sense SA.
And then, talking about crooks, #ZiziKodwa was sworn in last week and this week he was in court for fraud, but the case was postponed. Then last night he resigned. Why did he bother to be sworn in? #MakeitMakeSense.
There is good political news, I promise you. SCOPA, Standing Committee of Public Accounts, is now headed up by #AtholTrollip and #SongezoZibi, both good okes, both likely to actually do their jobs at protecting the nation’s purse. That makes sense.
There were so many court cases that I have my YouTube queue packed for the whole weekend. #ThaboBester is still whining about his jail conditions. I think he forgot that he was meant to be in jail all along. Don’t even try to make it make sense. Former house speaker #MapisaNqakula is back in court about more stolen randallas. #EnyobeniTavern case was postponed. The alleged murderers of #SelloMachitje, the deputy director of water and sanitation, were also in court. These political killings are out of control. The horrific assassination of COJ Forensic Investigator, #BenedictSithole, left social media mute: he was shot five times in broad daylight. He was also on the verge of cracking a “guns for hire” case. We offer no protection to our good guys. Why is that? #SARSAdvocate, Coreth Aude, was shot in Umhlanga in an attempted hit. The case involving those accused in the missing #JoshlinSmith case also gained a postponement. Why do these things take so long? Are we actually worried about Joshlin at all? The #SenzoMeyiwa trial was also delayed because #Mshololo, one of the defence advocates, had other arrangements. Side note, she was seen with Dali Mpofu and Zuma last year, so we all know what “other arrangements” she was busy with. Regardless, #MeyiwaTrial showed another set of phone links between the accused and #KellyKhumalo. Here’s an idea … why don’t we just ask Kelly about those phone calls? #MakeItMakeSense.
I’ve run out of words: I’m not surprised but one of our top stories needs attention. #PretoriaGirlsHigh is in the spotlight again! You’ll remember this lot from #BlackHairMatters, one of the biggest social media stories in the history of our country. And now they’re back, PGH, filled with vitriol and hate. There is apparently a #WhitesOnly Whatsapp scholar group that the school was aware of. As usual, PGH didn’t do anything to address this until it went to social media and then hit mainstream news. Why? How is it that you didn’t learn PGH? Make it make sense.
To wrap up in SA, the #ParalympicGames team was announced and we build up to the #OlympicsSA next week. The #Springboks notched up a cricket score against #Portugal, leaving a big gap for #Nandos to come up with something clever and the #BlitzBokke tore across the field like an apex predator. At least we have sport SA. Sport and a cool sport’s minister: #Gayton has been crowing all week. He’s certainly grown on the nation. #GiveItToGayton.
Across the ponds, my goodness, how did you keep up? They reckon Trump was almost assassinated. Gives a new image to the phrase #DonaldDuck. I suppose we have to believe this wild story because two people died. I’m still trying to figure out how #MatthewCrooks (the man on the roof) managed to get up without a ladder and was surrounded by snipers before he took the shot. He was also reported to the cops by two civilians and yet he still squeezed the trigger, repeatedly. I’m also not sure how Americans can possibly be wearing ear patches in solidarity with Trump. It’s like the whole world is watching America like America watched #TigerKing. This is a joke, right? At least Biden is no longer biding his time and it’s now #GoodBYEDen as #Kamala enters the fray. Kamala was endorsed as #Brat another #Americanism that apparently means you’re “woke”, “on fleek” or on top of your game. Her jiving and singing is reminiscent of Zuma, except America has two of these characters and people really are buying this stage show. Joe was always going to go … and when he realises he’s resigned he’s going to be relieved. So called Super-Power. Come on! Make it make sense. It’s just like believing that there was no cyberattack as the whole northern hemisphere experienced the #BlueScreen of death. Here in SA, we wondered if #GwedeMantashe had started a job at Microsoft as we learned of computers switching down across the world.
That’s it I’m out, forgive me for the stories that didn’t make it. I’ve left them in the ocean over the wild coast of SA where the birds, dolphins, whales and sharks gobble up wide-eyed sardines. There were a bunch of sharks in the water, so forgive me for not getting back in to pick those stories up. I’m Tonya Khoury and I’m officially exhausted, thank goodness for Acumen’s clever machine.
