Maybe you don’t really wanna know how the SA story goes. Maybe you’re the same as me and we see things they never see. #DefinitelyMaybe.

Welcome to the weekly Acumen Media report, I’m Tonya Khoury and I’ve been climbing the #Wonderwall of news and social media without a harness. My journey ended with #Ramaphosa’s Q&A which was pointless. Julius #Malema asked cupcake where the one million houses were that he promised to build in Alexandra back in 2018. The prez had to confess that a million houses would not fit into Alex and that this figure was quoted with the whole of South Africa in mind. He went on to tell us that 250 thousand houses were built across the country. You all know that’s nonsense, regardless, he never said they built a single house in Alex in six years since that crowd in Alex rose up to push the DA out of the election race. Those people in Alex were played. Our President is no #RockNRollStar. This is not an oasis, it’s a desert. And we may very well look back in anger.

I want to cheer you up so I’m going to start with Nigeria’s Miss Universe pageant. Miss Universe Nigeria – abbreviated as MUN – is a national beauty pageant to select a Miss Universe delegate. So to call it #MissUniverse is probably inaccurate, but we’ll roll with it. You’ll remember we are having a bit of a spat with our fellow Africans because of #Chidimma sneaking into the exit doors of the #MissSA pageant when actually she wasn’t born in SA. Nigeria welcomed their princess Chidimma home and she’s now competing in the MUN. In the background we had South African born Dricus #DuPlessis smash Nigerian born #Adesanya in the UFC ring. To add insult to injury: South Africans and Nigerans were making fake bookings through #Bolt, leaving many drivers with unpaid fares. This xenophobic “banter” continued as South Africans tuned into #MissUniverseNigeria and we were not disappointed. Firstly, pageantry is not Nigeria’s best talent. There was no ramp and a set of ladies from different regions in Nigeria wore their home clothes with sashes and sashayed up to the camera where they were prompted by the choreographer with the words “Stop! Attitude! Walk Off!”. If you haven’t seen it you deserve a treat, check out our YouTube channel on Sunday for more. In amongst these beauties is a contestant representing #KwaraNigeria. Her name is Dania and she’s a plus size chick; she’s super cutseys and it was fun and refreshing to see a larger woman stopping, giving attitude and then walking off. SA fell in love with her and we put our money where our mouths are: we voted for her. We pushed her right to the top of the contest. She’s in the top three with Chidimma. And #MissKwara rolled with it. She thanked SA and said she may even move to Mzansi. That was cool and funny.

Snap back to politrix in SA, I read the news so you don’t have to. #MKParty members were finally sworn in. I must admit my heart sank as I saw Brian #Molefe, Lucky #Montana, Siyabonga #Gama, #PapaPenny and #JimmyManyi take the oath of office, accompanied by impeached #EXJudgeHlope. Let’s take a minute to inspect this line up. Brian is the oke that headed up #Eskom and was caught taking ching from the Guptas. He said he was at the #SaxonwoldShebeen and then started crying when we told him there was no shebeen in #Saxonwold. His right hand, #PapaPenny, was also on the list. This oke looks like a bloated Michael Jackson whose taste has dated, badly. Lucky #Montana, he’s the guy who bought the trains that were too big for our tracks, the guy that single-handedly bankrupted #PRASA. And next on the mic #SiyabongaGama, who looted #Transnet. Every single one of these new MPs are implicated in Zondo’s #StateCaptureEnquiry. Each one of them heavily laden with corruption and fraud allegations that would stand like an abandoned house, the gaping wound on a barren landscape. Yet here we are, despite the #StepAside rule that dictates that if you have in any way been implicated in a case that is in court or will go to court, you may, categorically, not serve as an MP. Yet here we are. While these gangsters were taking an oath on the Bible to serve SA, their leader #JacobZuma was in court fighting off the #ArmsDeal corruption charges. The case is led by #Dali-Use-All-Your-Words-Mpofu and our court system is subject to further delay tactics as the case is postponed until September 11. Is it a sign? While this was playing out, newly elected MK “Organiser” Floyd #Shivambu was giving it stick outside Pietermaritzburg courts to a crowd in newly printed t-shirts. He said that the leaders making their way to parliament are the best this country has ever seen. He tried to rile up the crowd, but let’s be fair, he’s no Juju, so the #ChampagneSupernova was more like a shooting star on a cloudy night. Side note, on the subject of shooting stars, did you see that comet across #JBay? Is it a sign? Back to MK, focus Khoury! We had SARA’s head roll across the floor to MK Party; Colleen Makhubela exited the South African Rainbow Alliance and joined the gang of bandits. We watched in horror as the party won a ward in the North West. Guys what is going on? These criminals are everywhere.

I switched sides because I couldn’t suffer what was unfolding in front of my eyes. #TshwaneMayor, and DA member, #CilliersBrink was on every channel. He told us how Mashaba’s #ActionSA, the ANC and the EFF had ganged up against him and were bringing a motion of no confidence against him. He was begging for mercy and Helen was seething; she said that this move was a “bullet to the head” for democracy. #Zille, the DA’s morning glory, what’s the story? Last week I told you that Dada #Morera was going to replace #Gwamanda as the Joburg #Mayor. Well, he did and in his first national address he said he would open recruitment for SAPS positions to documented foreigners. That went down like a #wonderwall. The next thing, Joburg was filled with South Africans, their cv’s in their hands, marching on the mayor’s office. They filled up boxes with their credentials and we all know not one of them will get the job. He retracted his stupid statement, for what it’s worth. We just looked back in anger at what we heard him say. All the roads that lead us there are winding.

And what was jumping John doing during this time? The leader of the opposition hired a right-hand man who is more far right than you can imagine. #RomanCabanac, a notorious racist that has no shame and can be heard on various podcasts spewing hate, has been positioned as #Steenhuisen’s chief of staff. John did not let him walk on by. Ignoring the social media community, who are trying to tear down the façade, our guy John went and hired him.

And as for loadshedding, we were told it’s over … and then we saw the price tag. Eskom wants a 44% increase in tariffs to keep the lights on. We also have another name for loadshedding, it’s called “load reduction”, and as I write this piece there is no power in Sodwana. Our load reduction schedule (yes there’s a schedule) says it will be on in half an hour. I have a serious question: do they think we are dumb? Or do they just not care? So let me understand this correctly, you want to put 44% on my bill and what you are doing in return is changing the branding from load SHEDDING to load REDUCTION. Did I understand, is that right? Take me to the place where you go, where nobody knows if it’s night or day. All the lights that lead us there are blinding. It’s a #BLUR.

Our president has one of his own in the firing line: Thembi #Simelane, our current minister of justice and constitutional development, has been pointed out as yet another villain in the #VBSBankRobbery. It is claimed that she knicked 575k out of a R24 million kickback. This was when she was #PolokwaneMayor. See why these mayoral posts are so popular? Dollar-couch-Cyril, our uncle in the furniture business, has asked for a full report. To what end Cyril? All the roads that lead us there are winding.

Then there was a story so horrific: a murder of a woman who was caught thieving from a pigsty. The farmer shot her and left her for the pigs to feast on. This disgusting story broke this week and it makes me feel sick. How bad is it that one have to grovel in pig swill to get something to eat and then get shot for doing so. Where is the humanity? This is absolute insanity. #LookBackInAnger.

In other local news, #Eben will play for the bokke this weekend. There was a massive fire in #Jeppestown. We learnt that the suspect in the #DeveneyMurder was also accused of rape four years ago. Why did a girl have to die for us to stop this guy? #SenzoTrial churns on and #Twala has been labelled as the guy with the gun, but the story still doesn’t add up as the ballistic experts fight about how many rounds were fired and by whom. We’re unlikely to see the end of this case. What we did see was #KellyKhumalo tearing chunks out of #CemAir because she was late for her flight. Brat, and not in the cool sense of the word.

To wrap up in SA, it’s cold and wet out there as the weather looks back in anger, pelting across South Africa, screaming winds and snow on Table Mountain, all not very Spring Dayish is it? Keep warm and help another human because lately we felt the pain in the morning rain that soaks us to the bone. We need some time in the sunshine of empathy.

Across the waters, the #TelegramCEO got arrested. #Kennedy backs #Trump. He did this just after an explosive interview where he called out big pharma. We see things they’ll never see. Legendary football coach Sven-Göran Eriksson passed away; England is in mourning for its football King.

I’ll leave you on a happy note, a note filled with courage and determination. The #Paralympics are playing out on our screens. South Africa is back on the world’s stage and we won’t disappoint, not in the games and not against the All Blacks.

That’s it, that’s what I’ve got except this: #Oasis rock n roll stars, Noel and Liam Gallagher, are reuniting after a feud that lasted decades. No, I’m not going, but man I wish I was because maybe I just wanna fly, wanna live, don’t wanna die, maybe I just wanna breathe, maybe I just don’t believe, we see things they’ll never see. Even though they’re pompous arrogant cantankerous gits, I’d love to see that reunion. Oasis will #LiveForever.

I’m Tonya Khoury and thank you for scratching the #wonderwall of SA socials with me and Acumen Media.