If I had to tell you that the President in his #StateOfTheNationAddress said that #loadshedding is much better and it is almost a thing of the past because of his “single focused team”, you’d think I was tripping, right? I don’t blame you. I think we need a sing-along to get us through this one. Ah! there’s an old Lloyd Cole and the Commotions song called “Brand New Friend”. It goes a little something like this:

Am I asking oh for so much?
You could do anything you wanted to
Am I asking oh for so much?
No, just something that I can hold down
‘Cause it’s all downhill now

So, let me count the times that we swore and lied that we’d
Tie ourself to the railway line
I, well I don’t know when, when I’ll be content
But I do know I need a brand new friend

I’m Tonya Khoury, this is #ScratchTheSurface and we need a brand-new friend. The President truly is living in an alternative universe and when he mentioned bullet trains, electric cars and cables stretching from Cape to Cairo, I started to nod off. It was a fairy story, right? Whenever he speaks my eyes glaze over and I feel like I’m being hypnotized.

Would you like the true state of the nation? We have a #Heatwave, and the President banged on about climate change, we are thirsty, and the President banged on about #WaterSecurity. He failed to mention water dried up in #Verulam and that at least 46 new #Cholera cases were reported. He rabbited on about the #StateCapture report and how all those involved were being prosecuted, yes, he said that. Truth be told, there are over ninety ANC officials involved in state capture and not one is being prosecuted, let alone the leader of the ring himself, Zuma.

He also told us an endearing story about a person called “Tintswalo”, maybe he meant the luxury estate, but we all knew there was no #Tintswalo the person. The man takes us for a fool, “let me count the times when you swore and lied”. He said we were a nation that triumphs over great adversity and using #Covid as an example , he said we lost 2 million jobs and 100 thousand lives, but everything is back to normal. He’s kidding right? “Let me count the times that we’d tied ourself to the railway line”. And then he said something that infuriated me. He said Covid led to the second pandemic: #Femicide! And that all measures have been put in place to stop this pandemic. I don’t know much, but I do need a brand-new friend. One that isn’t comparable to #ChairmanMao and certainly one that doesn’t make up an ANC victory wish list and actually tells us the state of the nation. #SONA. The #EFF didn’t quite make it to #SONA. Wait that’s not entirely true, they were banned and now I understand why; Juju would have been levitating at that speech and “point of order” would have drowned out the rest of the nonsense and replaced it with an unhinged megalomaniac.

Here’s the real news, we will have our #ElectionDate announced in two weeks, it can’t come sooner as far as I’m concerned. Helen Zille (retired unretired retired unretired, just tired) told us the voter registration is so high because everyone wants to vote for the DA. She’s in lalaland. We are fed up with the lot of you! Oh my hat, I never told you, John, Jumping John, Steenhuisen blocked me on X, I think I touched him on his studio. I swear that made my year. #LifeGoals.

Right, I was telling you the real news, the Rand Water boss who was assassinated knew his time was up as he had confided in his friends that he might not make it. Whistle blowers make a hunting ground. #AKA’s dad is convinced his son was assassinated; we believe him, that doesn’t help, it’s a year later and our slayed singer has no justice. #ABrandNewFriend. That bank collusion that cost us trillions is now being investigated by the #CompetitionCommission. #NSFAS, the guys who misplaced 56 billion, are now crowing about retrieving 1 million from irregular payments to students. Can I count the times that you swore and lied? The judge in the #SenzoTrial tore chunks out of the people’s advocate #Mshololo and she stood her ground. I don’t care if she’s on Zuma’s team now, she’s an exceptional advocate and she doesn’t stand for bullies.

And then a woman stole our hearts: #Tyla walked into the #Grammys and the talking stopped, the awe began and she took our breath away, and a #Grammy award. She’s not the first or the last South African to do so, but my word if it wasn’t for #BafanaBafana she would be our top story. Another enormous win and a little surprising was our Bafana Bafana, who made it all the way to the semi-finals of #AFCON. Again it went to penalties, but this time Nigeria took the lead to the finals. Can you believe it? That coach is a brand-new friend.

Then the over friendly #PeterDeVilliers was accused of groping a woman. There was another quake, we don’t talk about #Quakeclub. The #MiningIndaba saw dignitaries from across the planet descend on Cape Town. The #NHIBill should be signed into law before the next election. Suspended social development officials were reinstated. A grade one pupil died from a snack at a Spaza Shop. And then #AndyRice, a gentleman of the media world, passed away. You’ll be sadly missed dear Andy. My industry poured out their condolences to this man.

Here’s another guy we love,#KennethMakate, the inventor of #PleaseCallMe. He invented the idea in 2001, and to this day, 23 years later, there is a legal battle still raging. But Kenneth never gives up, and finally he was awarded R47m for the idea. And then this week the SCA said he is entitled to up to 7.5% of the product’s revenue. Ouch, that hurt Vodacom’s studio so much they ended up going to #Concourt. So now we wait again, but we know in our heart of hearts our friend Kenneth is going to get a mountain of cash and we will do flick flacks when that day arrives. #OurFriendKen.

There were other trending stories like the #SparLady, but we don’t talk about that. Stop putting stupid things on social media especially when you’re in a work uniform. The judiciary is mulling over the “right to die” campaign. And DSTV almost got bought out.

Across the waters, #Netanyahu rejected the peace deal. #Biden can’t deliver an eloquent sentence and Tucker #Carlson interviewed #Putin, you should give that a watch. King Charley isn’t doing too well after a cancer diagnosis and a trip to a private hospital. Media is rife with what title Camilla will have if the King doesn’t make it. Sick hey? Harry arrived in town so things must be bad. I’m not a royalist, never have been, even though I lived in the country for nigh on 11 years. But I have royalist friends and I know they are devastated. Kate is doing great, though, she has some very “caring nurses” was the comment from the palace.

Today’s round up is peliele. Klaar. Satt. A bit like me, take the weekend off I insist. I’m Tonya Khoury and well, thanks for reading!