This is a country of crazy contradictions. A syndicate defrauded #SARS of about R100 million and this week one of the culprits was sentenced to 65 years in jail. #SARS also gave celebrity #ChefSizo ten years for stealing R5,3 million in tax. In the same set of headlines, Zuma’s #StolenLogoParty bought four outside broadcast trucks this week, each one fully branded and equipped with a stage suitable to build a set on and host 30 actors at a time. Want to know why we have corruption in our upper echelons, specifically politics? It pays, and there are no consequences. There is none so blind as those who will not see.

I’m Tonya Khoury, I survived the #PinkMoon and it felt like there was no news this week, didn’t it? There was news, it’s just that you’ve become conditioned to car crash catastrophic chaos for headlines; you’ve been battered, bludgeoned and belted my dear reader. It’s time to lift your heavy head. It’s Friday and it’s time to stand up, lean against the ropes and scratch the surface with Acumen Media.

We’re still debating if #Jooste is dead, but his side-chick’s bank accounts were seized along with other assets. She pleaded innocence or ignorance, I can’t remember which, but regardless, she’s in schtuk. Actor #Sello Maake kaNcube received a doctorate. Except the doctorate came from the #TrinityInternationalBibleUniversity and his graduation ceremony has the backdrop of a #JockMorrison warehouse. He was waxing lyrical, until we all pointed out that acting was reserved for a real stage (OB vehicle stages don’t count either) and not a bogus institution and photoshoot. #CrackedActor

I blame the moon, guys. There was a pink moon rising over the past few days and I swear everyone went moggy. I mean #Jooste and #Sello alone are enough to make you shiver in the corner while you eat raisins. In a plot twist of note our top story is an old story. Politics will make you do a time warp. #MorningLive presenter #LeanneManas told one of her guests to go back to Zimbabwe. #Rutendo was telling her how wonderful Zim is and that it’s far better than SA and Leanne lost it. She asked him why he was here and shouldn’t he go home if it’s so “marvelous”? He told her to go back to Europe. Not kidding. Leanne is a born and bred South African and if you had to track her lineage, like me, she’s a South African with Lebanese roots. That’s why you got a can of whoop-ass #Rutendo; that’s my cousin china. Normally we bring baseball bats. Pink moon or no pink moon, you got mooned! #HandsOffLeanneManas. How can this be our top story? #OldNewsIsNewNews

Can you tell I’m dragging my heels about #Elections so let’s push it further back and talk about #SenzoTrial instead. Subpoenas are about to be drafted for #KellyKhumalo, #ChiccoTwala and #IrvinKhoza. This week, we heard from a witness, and Advocate #Mngomezulu, that #LongweTwala was the one who fired the lethal shot. But, according to the judge, this is triple hearsay. I have no idea what that is, and I really can’t be bothered to find out. #LegallySpeaking there was a bunch of stuff. The #ModackTrial hots up, and the #LukeFleurs case was postponed. Remember that toxicology report we never received and how the #EnyobeniTavern owners received a five thousand rand fine for killing 21 kids? Well, the #HRC is having none of it and it’s called for a moratorium on liquor licenses in the Eastern Cape. Can I vote for them? Please can I vote for them.

There you go, I said the V word. Let’s go down this rabbit hole that is filled with placards and promises. Seven parties joined Maimane’s BOSA. I’ve never heard of the parties. I said that last week when several parties moonpacted with Gayton. Want to know why we’re mooning our country like this? There are over 300 parties standing in the national election. Three hundred. It is frightening to know that their coalition preference will not be labeled on the ballot. We don’t know who we’re voting for anymore. How unethical is that? There will be three ballot papers. Three! One regional, one provincial and one national. Imagine chucking in three more variables over a set of three hundred. You have a mathematical nightmare and country in a whirlpool of numbers. You’re going to need a physics degree to vote, not a Sello degree, a real one. Then, #Zuma collapsed this week, well that’s according to some papers, others say that there was a postponement in the courts. You decide. #ThaboMbeki is campaigning on behalf of the #ANC, this when he told us a year ago that there is no way he would be seen at an ANC rally. He’s on moonshine for sure. Songezo Zibi asked a great question last night: “Why should we keep a criminal syndicate in charge?” Well, there’s that Songezo and the fact that the opposition #EFF and the #DA are littered with fraud and corruption cases that have either been swept under the rug or are being dragged by a snail through the courts. We were also told that prisoners can vote. Obviously! If criminals can be elected then why on earth can’t they vote? Duh! The #CR17Scandal has come back to haunt our incumbent cumbersome Cupcake. The DA printed “Pick Me” placards and banners to electioneer in #Gqeberha, with #HelenZille as the face of the future. You’re going to laugh. Are you ready? She’s donning a hat. A #BhekiHat, except in navy blue. True story.

The placards were the promo to an orchestrated march that was in the name of three-year-old #Emilio who died in a home invasion linked to gang violence. Helen took some tips from #Gayton’s election songbook and Bheki’s wardrobe. I wonder if either #Joshlin or #Emilio will ever see justice or will we only see election placards and that #PinkMoon rising. My dear country, vote and vote well. Keep your eyes open, too. We’re about to see a rigging. #Elections2024.

I have to speed up now as words are few and we haven’t been across the water where the headlines are just #PinkMoonCrazy. So, to close here at home: we arrested the Joburg City Manager for turning that tap off that made us think we had no more water. We didn’t attempt to fix the leaks (surprisingly), so there’s still half our drinking water vanishing into the ground, drip feeding weeds and damp. #MapisaNqakula can’t afford a lawyer. We watch on social media how a pastor grooms a sixteen-year-old with takeaways. The videos went viral, but the predator is left to do his worst. A seven-year-old was raped by a seventh grader. Some influencer made fun of a checkout teller and then made a public apology, online. She’s also just a teen, inept and spoilt by money and lack of love. A three-year-old drowned in a pit toilet and is being buried today. No major overhaul of the ablutions where this kid was “murdered by corruption”, no justice for our babies. Just disdain, a placard and a #PinkMoon.

Country hopping, did you see #ColumbiaUniversity? Those students were doing what my mom’s youth were doing during the #VietnamWar, except there were no flowers in their hair. They had all funding pulled from the uni; the military were on standby, and the cops chucked a bunch of these kids into jail because they used their voice to speak about #Gaza. We saw mass graves uncovered in #Gaza, filled with hundreds of bodies, arms tied behind their backs, either shot or buried alive. #Biden? Well, he’s just rambling. This week he told us that his uncle’s plane was shot down in Papua New Guinea and that he believes his uncle was eaten by cannibals. Enter the head of PNG, unimpressed. I mean seriously this guy is in Lalaland. Who is really running the USA? Kamala? Nellie the Elephant? The Pink Moon? And then this… #Weinstein’s rape charges were overturned. Yes, you read right. I don’t understand it and you shouldn’t either. Actually, now that we’re on that subject, what happened to #EpsteinsList? There are none so blind as he who will not see. What else happened across the sea? #ChrisKing died and so did the last living member of the #MoodyBlues. It was #EarthDay and as a gift from Mama Earth we got the Chinese fleeing floods; Libya and Greece cowering under a dust storm that looked like a dystopian mars screen set. Speaking of dystopias, it was #Coachella too. #RKelly was let out of prison to defend #PDiddy; I don’t make this stuff up, and then Whatsapp rolled out its AI tool across the world. Acumen Media introduced an AI product of its own. Do you think it can write these weekly reports for me? The answer is “no”, so I still have a job and it also can’t whisper sweet nothings to an octopus like I can. But it is very impressive.

Take the weekend off. Hide under the bed or under the ocean and just like in diving, remember to breathe. I’m Tonya Khoury and thank you for scratching the surface with me and Acumen Media.