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#HollywoodStyle – Keeping up with the Zumas

Date: 04.15.2024

Written By

Tonya Khoury

Insurrection arrests made Duduzile Zuma nervous as she tweeted that she was due to be arrested today (Friday, 19 August) in “Hollywood Style”. #Hollywood, the place South Africa is absolutely not. I mean you can compare us to other countries easily but #HollywoodStyle? Not here Dudu, not here at all. SAPS have been nabbing #insurrectors all week, an average of eight a day if I’ve read the headlines correctly. We’ve never heard their names before; we aren’t glued to our seats because we all know we were played and that the #ZumaTwins and uBaba did it. Oh, come on, the whole of SA knows who started the #CoupDetat in SA. In fact, they haven’t stopped. There’s no need for a clever machine or “state of the art data” to work it out … Now, over a year later, Dudu is starting to quake in her Jimmy Choos. Hollywood? Chuck her in the back of the police van and unceremoniously dress her in orange. #SAStyle.

I’m here; I’m truly back, it’s Friday so let’s scratch the surface of these and other stories that made the media week, and us weak at the knees.

This #Dudu story was off the back of more than just the arrests. You see #Zuma, uBaba, was making a feeble attempt to argue that he is terminally ill. He will not release the medical report that tells us what terrible illness he has, but he can’t possibly return to jail and that was the massive story that was at the beginning (or is that beninging) of the week. #Mpofu, yes, he’s multi-tasking, he’s juggling the two major politicians of the true opposition: #Mkwhebane and #Zuma. Mpofu said that there could be no doubt that Zuma’s illness was terminal.  Excuse me, because this is going to sound harsh: we are all going to die in the #SylviaPlath sense of the word. Is that what Dali means? I mean we’ve seen Zuma dance around; take pics with his kids and attend events he deems fit to attend. This began during #lockdown.

Mkhwebane has been busy. Apparently she had a fight with uDali, and grabbed the laptop off him to change a legal document. When he told her that she cannot do that, she said: “I don’t care”.  Very #HollywoodSA. Of course, you don’t care #Busisiwe, your actions are much louder than your words. The #VredeDairyFarm has got her all worked up see, no one wants #AceMagashule on their backs. She even wanted her spokesperson fired because she called her by her first name #Busisiwe. Let’s all say it together #Busisiwe #Busisiwe #BusisiweMustFall. And so, the case continues with #Mpofu speaking down to every witness like a bully in the school yard. I have the utmost respect for the witnesses he cross-examines, because if it were me, the Leb would have come out and I’d have shouted right back. Proper #HollywoodStyle, a bit like #JerrySpringer. Mkhwebane and Mpofu are trying, and failing, to get #Ramaphosa to testify. They begged all week, but the answer from our #Cupcake: “That’s a ‘No’ from me”. #HollywoodStyle

#Steenhuisen tried to act woke by telling #MacG that his ex-wife was roadkill. Yes, you read that right.  #Roadkill …. He also said that the DA had called in the FBI to investigate the #PhalaphalaFarmGate story. Was Scotland Yard busy?  Four retired judges have been asked to launch an “enquiry” into Ramaphosa’s conduct, yawn. This is typical #SAHollywood; we have ten committees and inquiries and nothing at all happens apart from more problems.

Another story to rock the DA was that #NatashaMazzone was removed as chief whip and #Garube took her place. Mazzone is apparently now working in the backbenches on the Joint Standing Committee. Listen, if Natasha can’t deal with Zille, no one can. In other DA news: they put up another billboard, this time the message was to #Cele about his crude comment about being “lucky to be raped just once”. #HollywoodStyle. I heard some scuttlebutt about #PatriciaKopane exiting the DA too. The more things change… .

And then the blockbuster started, Tshwane Mayor #RandallWilliams is heard on a “leaked recording” ordering officials to support his decision to approve an unsolicited bid for the refurbishment of power stations. He skips all processes and tells the crew that R26 billion must be given to one set of his chommies. And so, the hamster wheel keeps churning as South Africa is burning. Now they’ve put up a “motion of no confidence” in this man, but why isn’t he sent directly to jail? True #HollywoodStyle. Pfft Hollywood style, we should be so lucky!

The #ANCElectiveConference is about to kick off with the message that any members “charged with serious offences will not stand for election”. I think the word “charged” is key, so basically Zuma, Ace and a couple of others from the RET are not welcome.

This was during the same period where the opposition parties called for impeachment proceedings against cupcake, our President. Why? Well it’s that farm thing again. He put dollars in his couch – someone call the FBI. Oh ya, the DA did. Look I’m not downplaying #Farmgate, but next to #RememberKhwezi and #StateCapture the couch doesn’t quite make me seethe like #Zuma does. The President has been under fire all week: he was blamed for #Marikana and all those interviewed on teevee said they just want him to apologise. They seem to have forgotten who was president at the time – #Zuma, so why does #Rama have to apologise? It was either Zuma or the head of police that said: “shoot to kill”, and they should be the one’s groveling. In fact, what was that chicks name?  She should definitely be held accountable. But, instead, in true #SAHollywood style, a huge crowd gathered and was heard singing #Wenzeni #uZuma on #MarikanaDay. Thousands and thousands of people on the hill of tragedy. AMCU leader #Mathunjwa made it quite clear that the country was in a terrible state and that the accountability for the massacre lies solely at Ramaphosa’s feet. He even called the ANC a white monopoly capital party. Let me just justify my tone here. Should #AaronMotsaledi pay for the sins of #LifeEsidemeni? Let’s be fair, both stories hold parallels except the one without a strike saw helpless people die because we just forgot about them. Both have never received compensation. No one apologized, wait I tell a lie, #Motsaledi got on his knees and begged forgiveness from SA and still nothing happened, no arrests, no compensation, just a pile of bodies and families left lost. #HollywoodStyle indeed.

If you believe Julius, and for the most part I do, then you’ll believe that #Mbeki is tipped to be the new deputy or president. We were so upset with Mbeki, we called him a drunk and we blamed him for the many #HIVDeaths but now he seems like a good option. Yeah, it’s like that in #SAHollywood. Next thing Malema drops another file: apparently Mbeki is plotting with #ArthurFraser to remove #Ramaphosa. It was then that Mbeki used the word of the week #Scuttlebutt, oh I love it. #Scuttlebutt #HollywoodStyle.

Scuttlebutt, a noun, meaning gossip or rumour mill. What a great word. You can almost see the back end of gossip scuttling back into its hole. Love it. Definitely my new favourite word!

I digress, Eskom cut off illegal connections, don’t hate me, but I really find this story revolting. You chose the depth of winter to cut off the poorest of the poor. Why are the illegal connections there? That’s where we should start, that should be our first question. They are there because the government made false promises and it’s really cold. End of. Who will keep our small children warm in this cold winter of our discontent? The state of the place: apparently during the previous three months, SA households have been R1,3 TRILLION poorer than they’ve ever been. Talking about incompetence and thieves, the ANC has been ordered to pay ten million a month into their staff’s pension funds. This is because they have been stealing from their own worker’s pension contributions every month for years. Please can we have a Hollywood style arrest? Please! Don’t worry too much though, because the R350 grant was extended to more people. Three hundred and fifty rand, that’s our living wage. This is not Hollywood. Pave paradise and put up a parking lot.

#ShahnawazAsghar, a six-year-old boy was abducted and social media and news media immediately waited for the ransom demand. How come? How do we know? We know because a few days later there it was, a demand for money and the child has been released from the six heavily armed gunmen. Staying with  our children, #TazneVanWyk’s alleged killer appeared in court this week. He reckons foreigners did it; I suppose he’s just following SA’s xenophobic narrative; I’m surprised he didn’t say the #ZamaZamas did it. #SAHollywood. And by the way, still nothing, zip, zero, nada on the #TavernIncident that killed our children. No toxicology report, no feedback, no rage, just tears from the parents who have been left out in the cold and the dark.

Let’s pick up the pace as I run out of words: Finally, Enoch #Godangwana was charged with sexual assault and his docket was handed to the NPA. #Cosatu calls for a national shutdown on Wednesday due to the extraordinary high fuel and food prices. #Gqeberha is heading for #DayZero as the taps run dry. #ThandiModise arrived in Russia for a global “security” meeting, in other words – Putin wants payback. DD Mabuza apologises for the #KZNFlood debacle. Cattle movement has been stopped due to Foot and Mouth Disease. Eskom reentered the stage and switched the lights off again. This despite those pesky poor South Africans that took their human rights from the pole outside. #Level2 this week. The lights go out on Broadway.

Here at my home, #HluhluweImfolozi gate house was set alight because of wildlife escaping the park. If you believe that scuttlebutt you’re missing the point. The bokke lost and #Miss Nokeri was crowned Miss SA. The royal household is in a mess and Buthelezi tries to restore calm. Can he please live forever? What would we do without him. #Tokollo Magesh Tshabalala passed away this week and tributes filled timelines as we honoured his life and his craft. Telkom has had more bidders than Scorcese has academy awards. #TrueHollywood.

Talking about the Hollywood Academy, they apologized to a true American, an indigenous American, because they had booed her off stage fifty years ago. Do you think she feels better now? Her land was grabbed and her countrymen savagely murdered to the point of genocide, but apparently one feels better when you do things #HollywoodStyle.

Across the border Kenya has a new president and they’ve put high speed internet on the top of Kilimanjaro.  So smart – Hollywood style. #ElonMusk is a plonker. This time he tweeted that he was buying Manchester United and then said it was a joke several hours later. Just like Dudu, we see you, you unhinged megalomaniac. Salman Rushdie was stabbed in the neck decades after writing the Satanic Verses.

Hold onto your weekend folks, and steer clear of #Scuttlebutting. It’s a verb.

I’m Tonya Khoury and you’ve just scratched the surface with Acumen Media.


Hollywood style



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