It’s Friday. There you go… That’s my news! See ya! If only? Imagine the world inhaled, drew a deep breath and held it for a bit. If only. But you’re not allowed to do that in diving. That will burst your lungs, so let’s scratch the surface of a news filled with a kaleidoscope of stories. Do you still get kaleidoscopes?
Dear #Dricus. Last week someone lamented that this guy got no media coverage because he had just over 1000 engagements. This week the same reader will be glad to know that #DricusDuPlessis is our top story. Well, unless you count the #ICJ ruling this afternoon and #RiseMzansiManifesto. Ok, it’s not the top story but it’s my column so we’re talking about #FightClub; I know you should never talk about Fight Club, that’s rule number one, but here we are ignoring rule number one and two. But we’ll stick to rule number three: everyone must fight!
You can ask me any question, but sport is the category on the Trivial Pursuit board that I falter on every time, so I’m not going to pretend that I know anything about UFC, but I do know about media engagement. The world champ received over 65k posts with an engagement of 299k, of which 93k of that engagement happened directly after the fight. I watched him being crowned king of the ring and he said two things in less than three minutes that I don’t understand. One was this statement: “Hulle weet nie wat ons weet nie” and two “Let’s stop the farm murders”.
Look, I’ve been checking this oke out and one thing is for sure, Dricus needs media training. I watched an international interview where he sat next to a pretty lady who asked about SA’s government to which he replied that we have the worst government in the world. Factually he is wrong, but I hear him, and South Africa hears him. The American host pressed him and said, “Well, I think our government is pretty bad”. In his response he took up that challenge with a firm “No, you don’t understand there is none worse than ours”. The Department of Sports was livid, experts were called in and we were told we are certainly not the worst government in the world because we rank 70th out of 150 or something like that. I have so many questions. First how does one measure the worst government in the world? Is it a competition where we submit answers about the level of fraud and corruption or do we send murder stats? Or do we package it in Powerpoint presentation. Because if we did, can we please make it clear that farm murders, though horrific, are not just about farmers, they’re about farm labourers too.
Why would you take your fifteen minutes of fame and use it to do reputational damage to your country? Look he made it clear South Africans are good, but the government is bad, well not bad, in his words “We are truly exceptionally s**t at being a government.” He actually said that. Media training? Anyone, anyone? Many Saffas thought he spoke from the heart, and I get it. We have got a dreadful government, but we have a nation of giants. I think he tried to take a leaf out of Siya Kolisi’s book and thought he’d give the speech of his life #PunchDrunk. What he should have added to “Hulle weet nie wat ons weet nie” is “South Africa has got its problems, but I want to say to the okes at home is that we are fighters and here I am, living proof of that and we have to keep up the good fight South Africa.” See? Good speech hey? If he wanted to use the platform to rile up the government, he could have spoken about how we are the rape capital of the world and today fifteen women and three children will be killed. But you know that’s not what the Cape Independence Party is about. Oh ya, did I mention that? Dricus, from Hartebeespoort, Harties, is the poster boy for the Cape Independence Party #CIP. So basically, he’s that guy.
Right that’s enough about Fight Club alter egos let’s talk about the #SenzoMeyiwaTrial. Well, well, well, what have we here? They dropped the K word. Kelly! Kelly Khumalo! Your time is up girlfriend. It took ten years to unearth them but there are cellphone records between Kelly and the hitmen. There’s also a pic of a large sum of money that is both on her and the alleged hitman’s phone. The Sangoma was also quoted as giving the suspects and Kelly a cleansing ritual after the murder. Um, ok more questions… I’m a curious person man and I’m a cynical news reader. Why did it take ten years to reveal these records? Either they were heavily covered up or they’re a convenient discovery. The judge wasn’t happy, and he even made people wait in court as the person with the affidavits was late for work. He then told stories of past court cases, like he needed some airtime, and eventually let the nodding advocates go. The evidence this week was raised in a trial within a trial, so that makes it complicated. Complicated for legal teams, complicated for uKelly but certainly not complicated for the viewers. We’ve already hanged, drawn and quartered KK. Only a tiny few asked what Kelly would gain from such a heinous act? Ungaaz *shrugs. I think one thing is certain, we are meant to be confused, it’s the whole idea. So, to be honest dear readers, I haven’t a cooking clue what’s real or what’s a diversion, but I’ll keep watching so you don’t have to.
Today many South Africans and in fact many people across the world will be watching as #TheHague’s #ICJ reveals its ruling on SA’s case against Israel in #GazaGenocide. It’s a historical day and there are many lives waiting in the wings of this entity of justice. There have been casualties on both sides this week: a building exploded, killing several IDF soldiers, and a Palestinian waving a white flag to get his family was shot in the chest. His wife was then shot at as she tried to drag his body into a compound. It’s fast becoming a world war. Today counts. Today we have a good government Dricus.
Here’s some news for Dricus and the CIP, Cape Town is apparently the second most desired place to visit. Just to be clear it’s only Cape Town, not the Western Cape, because you know that would include Khayelitsha. Interestingly in the same article, Liverpool is amongst the top ten. I’ve been to Liverpool, just keep driving, dreadful place. Who writes this stuff?
And then uBaba, #Zexit, if you like was a travesty for the #MKParty as Zuma had to resign because he’s a member of the ANC. You can’t have your bakery and stuff your face with everything in it. Oh wait, we should forgive him, the entitled chop has had that his whole ANC career. In other politics, disgraced #DipouPeters wants her suspension lifted and skunkhead #Gumede with her sack filled with criminal charges is canvasing for the ANC. #ThabiLeoka faked her credentials as an economist and #uncleCyril fired her, see he can move quickly, float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Pity the entire cabinet didn’t get an “off with their heads”.
And then there was hope, for me anyway. #RiseMzansi raised the roof with the launch of their manifesto and every news channel and social media platform was swamped with their content. As a marketer, congrats to this crew, they woke up the country. There’s a new kid on the block guys and it’s for the people by the people. What I love about this party is that they have “visibility days” where in each nook and cranny of SA they rise up and do some good. That’s all it takes to get my vote. #1994IsOur2024
I’ve long run out of words, so I’ll rabbit these: The real matric pass rate was nothing like that stated on TV. The arsonist in the #MarshalltownFire was in court. #ChiccoTwala is #Holworths dad, he’s had a busy week, he’s been fighting in court about gun charges, and he is heavily linked to the #SenzoTrial. The repo rate is unchanged. The Boere are up in arms in #Groblersdal with #ApartheidFlags to boot. I saw one of them climbing over a wall, but it was funny because his boep was in the way. There was an earth tremor, no man not from the boep, a real one. We don’t talk about tremors. There is a child molester who insists he wants a custodial sentence and he’ll probably get it too. The ANC staged a fight in the NW press conference, that was funny. And for those who knew him, we paid homage to #AndrewMaluleka, a true gent of a man who passed this week.
Internationally #Barbie is at the Oscars as it goes head-to-head with #Oppenheimer for best picture. You can’t make this stuff up. #StanleyMugs are worth more than diamonds and #WaterTok is a thing. Don’t ask me I’m old. Korea launched a couple of missiles, nothing to see here and we wait for the ICJ’s verdict. Oh, and this time next week #JanuWorry will have left the room. My goodness what a long year that was.
Oh wait, the craziest news, I got my hands on Fishpaste! Now I can say blah blah fishpaste. I’m Tonya Khoury and thank you for scratching the surface with me and Acumen Media.