If I have to tell you that we have tornados and floods in KZN you are unlikely to be surprised. But if I tell you that the #ANC are holding a cleansing ceremony for the province, and that #JimmyManyi (ex #ANN7 owner) says that the #ANC are manipulating the weather, then you’re likely to ask me if I have started smoking again? I haven’t. I read the news so you don’t have to.

Welcome to the Acumen Media report where we #ScratchTheSurface of some extraordinary news that crossed your timelines this week.

Jimmy Manyi, or #MzwaneleManyi as he prefers to be called today, wants us to believe SA has deployed weather altering technology (as they have in Dubai) to make tornados wreak havoc in KZN. This is South Africa Jimbo, just pay someone, and havoc ye shall have. Remember the #JulyInsurrection, it paid no heed to the weather. Look, I like conspiracy theories more than the next gal, largely because I read far too much news media. Rabbit holes are my thing. Just call me Alice. So don’t even ask me about #Titan because I’ll eat the cupcake and drink the potion.

Think that is a weird beninging to our weekly report? Hold on to your seats as the #MadHatter is now literally appearing at every corner. Would you believe me if I told you that three men, who hijacked a tobacco truck, were sentenced to 18 years? Would you believe that our President had someone else address us on the fact that he is never in the country and leaves us rudderless? Strange that he didn’t address us himself, no? Um, duh, he doesn’t care, he’s left us in the doldrums of what was once wonderland. Would you believe me if I told you #ACEbestos is giving church ceremonies? It’s true and you will believe this bit – he’s putting his hat in the ring for President. You’ll believe this too: #ChiefJustice #RaymondZondo is in a fight with #Parliament because he believes not a single thing has been done to prevent #StateCapture2.0 and they are unhappy with how vocal he has been about that.

I like #Zondo, who doesn’t? And you know who else I like … #McebisiJonas. Cast your mind back to the #GuptaCompound, back to the eighth circle of hell. Jonas is the guy who refused 600k in cash. Why can’t these good people bandy together and form a party we can be proud of, not a party that is here for coalition negotiations? But as P.J. O’Rourke said, “People who are wise, good, smart, skillful or hardworking don’t need politics, they have jobs”. So instead, we have #PaulMashatile teeing up for President and door mouse is not in this teacup; it’s filled with loot. The DA insists on a #lifestyleaudit of our incoming president as his appetite for cash resembles that of a gluttonous forever hungry pig that’s just had his trough filled.

I’m not done with my #LewisCaroll analogy; you’d think you would find a smoking caterpillar the way I’m going. We are paying 55k for a single soldier’s uniform and there are tenders for hospitals who need coal. I’m not making this up and yes, I’m still a non-smoker. What about the water tankers meant to help those with eColi ridden water? Well, they turned up with the undrinkable water, why? Because five companies that tendered for the water tankers were all the same guy. And it’s not confirmed yet, but the company has strong links to #EdwinSodi, the same guy who took the first tender to fix the water years ago. The water tanker tender is worth 90m.

And the hits kept coming: An #ACDP councilor was murdered in church. A #JMPD officer killed a #SAPS officer with a blaze of bullets in a heated argument and is heard on a voice note saying that the slain cop was “Asking for it”. They want to arm our cops with drones now. What could possibly go wrong? #KeystibeCops.

The President fired the judge on the #SenzoTrial, which means we start from the beginning … and why is the president doing HR in the judiciary? I thought that would be the head of the department’s job, ie Zondo?

There’s #BirdFlu, #SwineFlu, snow in the Cape and a teen pregnancy pandemic where ten-year-olds are having children. It’s holiday season and it’s not possible to swim in Durban waters, not because of the floods, because of the poo in the water. Most politicians are now talking about #MoonPacts, maybe they’re going to jump over it like little boy blue, and we all know how high John can jump.

Joburg mayor is incoherent; the #ThaboBester case brought an additional set of arrests, and I think we are at 12 or 15 now, but perhaps I’ve lost count. I think they’ll arrest a good fifty people and then the trial will last longer than the Cheshire cat’s tale.

I’ve saved the big stories for last as they deserve a lack of humour. Thirty-one men, presumed dead, are still trapped in a disused mine that imploded because of methane gas. They are all illegal miners that saw their last days in darkness. We wait as they haul bodies from the deep. This is not a new story, this is a reality –the #Zamas are illegal but somehow we let this carry on because there is some fat cat at the end of the line picking up all those small nuggets at the expense of people’s lives.

We have seen protests all around the country; it is electioneering good people and we are simply in the crossfire. #Soweto was on a knife’s edge this week and Diepsloot, the top story, made us understand the mess we are in.

#Diepsloot started to protest, and we all know when #Diepsloot protests, stay indoors. #DiepkloofHostel houses 7000 people with 70 buckets for ablutions. That was one of the many complaints coming out of this settlement. That, and the illegal residents that, according to locals, are behind the insane level of crime in the township. If you’ve ever been to Diepsloot you’ll know that people live in fear and squalor. This ain’t no wonderland. Residents with good intentions lock themselves up before nightfall and don’t leave. And this week those residents had enough, and it’s not the first time, but this time they refused a visit from #BhekiCele. They wanted #Ramatress himself. Ramaphosa couldn’t care less about your bucket system my fellow countrymen. He is ticking off his bucket list, swanning around in eSwatini this week and jetting across the waters last week. He’s never home, he is so out of touch and quite honestly, he tapped out a while ago.

The community leaders in Diepsloot took to the streets, a #CPF crime fighter was killed in the protest and this incensed the fury that was molten lava to begin with. Then the news broke that there was a lift on the #ZimbabweTempVisas and the foreign nationals were allowed to stay. This news sent further shockwaves through the community and last night several community leaders were arrested as violence escalated. Who knows what will happen today, well one thing we do know is Cyril will squirrel out of visiting the troubled. My, how things have changed. Do you remember when Alex Township rose up because of the same thing, the DA wouldn’t go in there but #Ramaphosa himself turned up. He used to be so good, right? I’m not imagining it, right? He made us proud with great speeches and walks on the promenade, and he even convinced us to beg him to lock us up during #Covid. And now, the fairytale has worn off and we are left with only ourselves and a bunch of greedy politicians that frequently shout “Off with their heads”.

Now that I’ve depressed you even further, let me reassure you that the grass is no greener over the waters as mutiny hits Russia because Putin didn’t pay the #WagnerGroup. Wagner is the group of mercenaries that Putin hired and armed. They are also the same mercenaries that he didn’t pay. Now that was a plot twist. But if you ask #Biden he’d say to you that things are not going well for Putin “in Iraq” and that there’s always “Japan” to consider. And that pretty much wraps up being Alice in Wonderland.

I’m Tonya Khoury thank you for scratching the surface of a crazy week in the media. #EidMubarak to my Muslim friends. I’m getting on a boat, quickly!