Let’s talk about boats, not the ones I jump onto, but the one that is sinking SA’s reputation faster than the #Guptas’ #BellPottinger. #LadyRa is the name of the vessel that docked in Cape Town that was sent by Russia and is allegedly a carriage for arms and ammunition. According to news reports, we packed #ladyRa full of weapons for Russia to use against #Ukraine. That is why today the pound and the dollar have steamed across the rand leaving it sunk like unwanted debris from a ship at the Cape of Storms.  It’s time to have that tough conversation and I’m going to ask you outright, if you can choose a bad guy to be on your side, would it be Putin or Biden? We may be on the wrong side of history but we are on the right side of Putin and that means we will suffer economically (we’re no stranger to economic crises) but we won’t become a Siberian work camp in the sun. Don’t shoot the messenger. That ship has already sailed. #LadyRa

Talking about overseas travelers, #DeRuyter came out of hiding this week. He’s in Germany, talking to us via Zoom, with a mouthful of hot pretzel. I watched several of the #SCOPA sessions and from what I understand, everyone is blaming poor administration. Yes, my friends, paperwork is the devil and the reason we are plunged into darkness day after day. #SCOPA witnessed Eskom’s board being grilled by parliament. When I say grilled I’m being sarcastic, they’d have to use gas to grill anything. The whole point of this parliamentary saga to make you believe that the President gives a damn. To be clear, he doesn’t. If you believe the contradictory headlines, #DeRuyter is said to have not followed procedure. A procedure that was encouraged by #Gordhan. That’s the one side of the media story. This obviously vindicates #Gordhan and the government to a degree. The other side of this two headed snake is that #DeRuyter did as much as he could within boundaries because of the little things like keeping his cushy income and his life. What’s the short story? I think, and I may have this completely wrong, is that the HAWKS are blaming the POPO (SAPS) who are blaming the paperwork and the paperwork is blaming #DeRuyter. Did I get that right? So, the man who gave a half-hearted puff on the whistle is now the bad guy. Is that right? Pretty much! Well that’s good then, this situation is pretty much taken care of. Berated and #DeRuytered.

While you were watching this puppet show, you may have felt every hour of #loadshedding this week. There are reports of the 12 stages of #loadshedding heading our way. #TwelveStages will become #24Stages and every conversation you hear is about solar. On my commute to “civilization”, I drove past a 25km queue of truck upon truck. Each one filled to the brim of our coal, coal leaving #RichardsBay to unknown destinations. We (and I include me) just watch and drive-by degeneration. What happened to our #MinisterofElectricity? Has he even addressed us? If he did I didn’t see it but that would be because of 12 hours a day without electricity, but we can consider ourselves lucky because many places have no water either. So guys, tell me, are we going to vote this problem away? Doubt it right? Let’s get involved. We must, it’s our civil duty. Take your corner, lift up your neighbour. One by one. Stop crawling and rise. This country is so powerful and so very, very rich. It’s time to draw the line in the sand. And just one patch at a time, let’s fix this. #RiseMyCountry

There were other stories if you are interested, #DrNandi’s bail application was delayed. Any minute now #DaliMpofu is going to enter the scene for Punch and Judy. These horrendous delays are likely to kill any justice we are due. I mean the #SenzoTrial rolls on and on like coal trucks, long winded and no end in sight. #JusticeFor Senzo. Then #GaytonMackenzie told us #Orania has it right. He clearly hasn’t been to #Waterfall or #Zimbali or #Midstream estates. There are #Orania’s everywhere their criteria doesn’t work on race, just currency.

Over the seas, #Trump got done by #StormyDaniels but he reckons he’s still in the run for President. Seven horses died in the lead up to the #KentuckyDerby. What are we doing here for our entertainment? #JerrySpringerShow. And then, and probably the biggest story in the world the #KingsCoronation. What a laugh that was! Well, I say laugh but the whole thing was a bit weird. I suppose the word I’m looking for is “dated” as the last time they planned for one of these parties was almost 100 years ago. And it shows. Trigger warning, #Royalists you may want to stop reading now.

Right, my questions are endless. Why, oh why, oh why are all the royal men in dresses? Look I love a drag show as much as the next person but this was so decadent it should be called a crime. Let’s start with King Charles’ gold dress! I mean are we serious here? He also waved around a pair of gold scepters like a overdressed drum majorette. He also had a gold ball with lots of jewels on it. Not the crown jewels, obviously, because those were weighing, very heavy, on his head. Which just about sums it up. Let’s talk about those crown and other jewels for a minute. Yes they belong to a ton of countries, those are the countries that Britain colonised. So ja, you may want back our #CullinanDiamond but I think we missed the point and the boat. Ra Ra.

Anyway back to the King, #NotMyKing and also not for a number of #Brits as the hashtag trended all day. Regardless, #KingCharles had several costume changes. How many dresses must one man wear to be King? He also had to sit on a throne on a stone, a very large stone that was dragged from Scotland. So here you have Charlie on a Rock draped in a fancy dress, donning the biggest jewels in the world and some weird medieval looking artifacts. It was a bad Rocky Horror Picture Show.

One might ask how did such a monarch get here? Well he arrived in an air-conditioned carriage that would have made Cinderella envious. Then he sat on his rocky throne and left in a solid gold carriage that has the value of a small country. Where is Elon when you need him?

Let’s talk about the audience. #PrincessAnne, thinking she would have time to skip over to the Kentucky Derby, sat with a red-feathered cap that was deliberately plonked in front of the plonker Harry. The embattled ex-Prince basically turned up, smiled at a camera and then exited stage left. He was wearing no name brand trousers. Which is ironic as he certainly doesn’t with Megan.

Camilla with the excitement of a newly elected prom queen grabbed that crown. The tenacity of this woman. She worked for that crown. Then some oke slid off his horse, he was all primped up like a doll too but the saddle wasn’t done up properly and so he slowly started sliding sideways. That was fun. Horses for courses.

In the end of this “fairy story”, the King was exhausted and was done with this PRIDE parade and he appeared to get the mutters. The only thing that saved the day was the #SpareSpare little Louis Louis Louis. He has that royal wave down pat. Adorable. Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye, I have hours of courtroom drama for my weekend viewing, but I’m bound to get on a boat called TEK, certainly not #LadyRa.

I’m Tonya Khoury, thank you for scratching the surface with me. Ta Ta.