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Category: Acumen News | Featured

Enoch Knock. Who’s there? Goldfinger!

Date: 04.14.2024

Written By

Tonya Khoury

Oh Enoch! I didn’t think anyone could put me to sleep faster than #Ramaposer, but here you are – our Minister of Finance – Enoch Godongwana. Sometimes, you must fight the snooze to find the truth. Luckily, I am wide awake and here are the facts: There are twenty-eight million people on grants and seven million taxpayers. There are eight million unemployed. I don’t believe that number, double it. He sang the same old song, you know, “Tax the sinners, put up fuel levies and shake 150 billion from gold and forex.” Now you’re awake! #GoldFinger.

I’m Tonya Khoury, let’s scratch the surface of a week of media mayhem.

According to an EWN headline, Enoch poured billions into crime fighting. Really? For each rand we make, we owe more than that rand. We see headlines about trillions stolen through bank collusion, fifty odd billion stolen from #NSFAS, everything except the kitchen sink … and yet here we are at the #BudgetSpeech offloading our gold. And then we are told that we are pouring billions into crime fighting. To be fair it wasn’t a budget speech, it was more like an ANC electioneering platform. Apparently 60% of our budget is for the poor. He failed to say “for the not-so-poor, and the very rich”. What he did say is that each and every taxpayer supports four people. That’s apart from our own families and our own network of charities. Let’s get real here, we are all doing work for the poor. We, ordinary people, cannot stand by and watch others starve. #BudgetBusted. #Godongwana says we should be cautious that what happened with #Eskom doesn’t happen to #Transnet. That’s when I threw my mug at the teevee. I mean seriously. Have you seen a railway? Have you seen a functional port? I dare you to name one. The chaos at our ports is startling, we had to kill livestock because the ships can’t dock. #GoldStickyFingers.

Which leads me to my new favourite court drama of 2024. The inquiry into #JudgeMakhubele and her complicit behaviour in the defrauding of #PRASA. She worked closely with #LuckyMontana, not to be confused with #TonyMontana (he was the drug lord). Lucky had train tracks of a different kind. His trains were too big, remember? Yes, now you remember – the size guy. Anyway, upon my delight at watching a crook being shredded by our judiciary, I learned that #judgeMakhubele’s first name is … #TINTSWALO. Everyone, I finally found her! This is the chick the prez was talking about. You know the one, the one that is from the post-apartheid era who has a job, and education, etc. Well to be fair to cupcake, he was right. #TintswaloMakhubele was living her best life, two jobs, one at #PRASA one at the Courts. This one is going to be a corker. She ducked and dived trying not to drown from the shots fired by her peers. #MyRealityTV.

Talking about judges, #JudgeHlope finally got hoofed? It took all of 17 years and 15 court cases, but it was definitely worth it. He is a retired judge now but well, ya no, it was definitely worth it. You are unlikely to remember but this oke tried to help #Zuma escape the court processes. It’s the first time in SA’s history that a judge has been impeached. In fact, it’s such a big deal that we impeached two. The second is #Motata. Oh, please remember him South Africa, he’s the drunk judge that drove his car into a wall! I’m sure that happened before some of you were born, but here’s justice seventeen years later. I wonder if he was suspended with pay. Stop it Tonya, stop being so realistic. #GoldFinger.

We all cursed #Eskom this week. #Stage4 indefinitely. Thank goodness for remote work and inverters or my business would be like those many others suffering. #Malema wants to enlist Brian #Molefe to fix #Eskom. Remember him? He’s the one who visited the #SaxonwoldShebeen and then cried on stage when we told him there was no shebeen in Saxonwold. No Juju we don’t want another cadre, china. Mumbling about #CadreDeployment, I went to the beach early morning and my mate and I were chewing the tough media fat and he said that the DA had a small win with the #CadreDeployment records although there’s a great deal of data missing. I said how I had read it was that the findings showed nothing untoward. Aha! An anomaly, they’re my favourite thing in scratching around in the media. So, get this:

BusinessLive: Court finds ANC cadre deployment case was built on speculation.

News 24: ‘Biggest racketeering syndicate in democratic history’: ANC cadre records reveal attack on judiciary.

Aren’t you glad you don’t have my job? I read both articles and they say the same thing, it’s a good thing to refer the right people for the right job, it’s wrong to bring their extended family and hangers-on along. It’s not a unique practice, fraud and nepotism and it doesn’t take a court case to work it out. Why do the DA do this? Take that legal money and go change 400 people’s lives. Why is this so hard? Sorry, lost my mind for a minute, it’s politics. #GoldFinger.

We had two hysterical State of the Province addresses (#SOPA). #PanyasaLesufi is a dreamer; he’s the Gauteng Premier if you didn’t know. He told us with great enthusiasm that there would be jobs for everyone and no more informal settlements and hospitals as good as private healthcare and eventually I wanted to slap him. I didn’t have to, the next thing there were flying chairs and torpedo water bottles being launched from the audience. Another brawl erupted at #SOPA in the Eastern Cape, this one got really nasty and the whole thing ground to a halt.

We’re here now folks, the election date has been announced as 29 May this year. This weekend is the last voter registration weekend. And now we get to judge the nation’s intellect. What do you reckon? Will we survive until end of May? #ElectionSelection.

And then there was the side show, did you watch? #ThaboBester and #DrNandi. There were some icy vibes floating between the two of them, ne? Speaking of vibes, what happened to #DigitalVibes and #Mkhize that stole our #Covid money? I digress, Thabo-name-brand-Bester was having a hissy fit. He’s diabetic and not getting the right diet, he lamented this so much I thought that must be terrible, a diabetic needs to stick to a diet and then his lawyer added that he hadn’t eaten correctly the morning of the court appearance and not while he was incarcerated. Thabo, the great Houdini, stays at one of the two private owned prisons in SA. His lawyer told us he’s been very uncomfortable there. Why? He couldn’t wear his branded tops and bottoms. Poor love. I switched channels. Sibongile and the Dlaminis is a much better soap opera.

I’ve run out of words and steam, a bit like #PRASA and #Tintswalo. Ha, that’s funny. Let’s push over the hill and get you to your weekend. #DA and #BOSA launched their manifestoes. #EdwinSodi got his behind handed to him by #CarteBlanche: #DryTaps Sodi is the reason we have cholera. Our deputy president #Mashatile’s spokesperson was suspended. #Sibanye Stilwater is in for a loss of 47 billion, to put that into perspective 57 billion was stolen from #NSFAS. And then there was another robbery, this time on the highway. The perpetrators were on foot. They went from car to car and thieved their way through the traffic. Not a joke, I read the news so you don’t have to. Remember the #EnyobeniTavern tragedy and the missing toxicology report? Well, the owners were charged with serving alcohol to minors. That’s it. Tick! Job’s a good un. Peel me a grape or hand me an olive! A grade 6 pupil shot his principal. A two-year-old was raped in creche. Ramaphosa is implicated in medical scheme shenanigans. Whatever man. Can he leave the stage already please. We did an annual study on #Ramphosa and apart from #BRICS and the #ICJ there are no positive peaks in an entire year. That’s a bold statement for a president that gets millions of results in a year. Today we generated the same study on #EnochGodongwana. The results speak for themselves: a quarter of a million engagements and none of it very flattering.

Internationally, football star #DaniAlves was found guilty of sexual assault and got jail time. #SkyNews were too scared to put the #ICJ on their screens so they left them without a translator, and we watched a gazillion different languages with a dumb look on our faces. This from one of the biggest media houses in the world. #Gazans are making bread from sand and straw. The #Rafah slaughter continues as #Egypt is now building a buffer zone between it and Gaza to take up the 1,2 million displaced. Israel took a shot at #Damascus in #Syria. The USA took aim at #Yemen. The #USA vetoed a ceasefire, saying it would hinder hostage negotiations, delaying aid and medical supplies to those six hundred thousand children in #Rafah. In Russia, #Putin allegedly had his opposition #AlexeiNavalny killed. There are two million displaced in the Congo. #SANDF is in #DRC as we speak, it seems SA is on a crusade to fix the world but forgot about our backyard.

That’s it, I’m done, you can exhale. It’s time to blow bubbles instead of raspberries. Did I tell you I got a spectacular desk? It has shells in it. So technically I’m always on the beach. Peace out!

I’m Tonya Khoury and thank you for scratching the surface with me and Acumen Media.

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