I’m often told that these reports are depressing. Yes, the news is somewhat dreadful, but remember, we read it so you don’t have to. However, I am acutely aware of my status as a #Karen, so today I want to begin with good news: #Eskom. Don’t laugh, there is good news.

Scratch the edgy surface of the media with Acumen Media and you’ll see I’m right:

Last week I told you the Eskom’s loadshedding schedule missed out on #Stage3 and #Stage5, and I joked about a bias against odd numbers. I swear someone at #Eskom is reading my posts because we were using odd numbers all week. Finally, justice for odd numbers, but my word, by the time we hit #Stage5, South Africa was done. By the way, #Stage5 is pretty much #Stage6 barre one or two hours.

That’s not the good news; the good news is that finally South Africa has had enough of #Eskom and its shenanigans. One story followed another and another, all of which made me proud of this nation.  Sasol has moved to #WindEnergy and if Sasol can do it with their massive organisation, more will follow. Cape Town are selling power off the grid and even #Afriforum started their own electricity company. Even the army has been deployed at “some stations”.  #BankZero’s Michael Jordaan said to stop pointing fingers at #Eskom and just ditch them. #DitchEskom. He’s right. Those who can afford to, now is time to drop #Eskom like the hot coal they couldn’t burn. We are done here guys, finally South Africa has risen.  Stage 5? Keep it, and we’ll take our business elsewhere. You see, dear friends, it’s only a matter of time before we have alternative options/providers/solutions. And that is not good news, it’s GREAT news.

Let’s check in with our powerless facility as they had almost a million engagements on social media in seven days. 75% of those mentions carried anger and sadness according to the Acumen Media machine.  They also had a whole 220m tall chimney “collapse” (blown up basically) at Kusile. This is off the back of the Kusile crisis. One farm dumped 12,000 litres of milk because it became sour because… well #Eskom.   Chickens are dying like flies as the farmers call for a state of disaster and over 1900 businesses shut down. So yeah, they’re doing terribly, but thank you for asking. They have been making other headlines though, and most of them are about inflated debt numbers. Apparently, Tshwane owes R1.4bn. The credit controller should be fired and the directors held as delinquent imbeciles because I am not allowed to run my business like that, and neither are you. We have a duty to keep our businesses afloat at all costs, and a debt book of that nature is simply bad leadership. I’m not telling you anything new. City Power have been turning lights off across the country, even those with pre-paid meters. There is no electricity and you guys are cutting cables. Whatever guys. #DitchEskom.

If I have to pick another big story this week it has to be the DA and for many reasons; some good, some funny and some worthy of an eye roll. Let’s begin. The #DAMarch about #Eskom was taken to #LuthuliHouse, that’s funny, why didn’t they take it to #Eskom? There was a big turn- out, but imagine if those people were standing outside Megawatt Park, then the whole of Jozi would be at a standstill, well to be fair that corner is always at a standstill, but the impact would have been brilliant. Instead, they marched to Luthuli House and were stopped by the #ANC Youth League who then redirected them to a library a couple of streets away because …  why are you at Luthuli House anyway, there’s no one inside, it’s a ghost town! #Electioneering, see? I did laugh when the ANCYL called the #DAMarch “mischievous and misplaced”, what’s that saying about a pot and a kettle? #RobHersov, a billionaire spoke at the rally and he was eloquent and made sense, and it’s been a long time since that’s happened. It went so well at the library behind Luthuli house that #Steenhuisen, formerly know as #BotoxJohn is now called #JumpingJohn. He was toi toi-ing, red in the face and jumping around like a gummy bear, bouncing here and there and everywhere. Listen, with all due respect to white people, guys, you can’t toi toi, please stop that, you look silly, very silly. Just march and carry a beautifully printed placard and wear your t-shirt, ok? You’re embarrassing the rest of us. Sorry, I was banging on about this march and got distracted by #JumpingJohn.  I have to give kudos to Cape Town (I think CT I think DA), they’re coming off the grid and selling their own power! Nice one CT!

The #DA took on #CadreDeployment too, another long winded court case coming up with money that is much better spent in #DitchingEskom.

In other DA news, (told you they’ve been busy) the #DA led coalition in Johannesburg has fallen apart. #PhalatsesKetang. A motion of no confidence was upheld, and she was told to leave the chain at the door. Literally two minutes later, she rose again and said she is not leaving without that ketang. Do we need mayors? That is a serious question, well, do we? What a massive to do about nothing. Anyway, the short story is the coalition fell apart and we are back to groundhog day about something, that I feel (and I may be wrong) doesn’t matter at all. Haibo! Focus on #DitchingEskom.

#Mantashe was banging on about Turkish owned #Karpowerships. These are ship-mounted gas power plants. He wants their contracts shortened from 20 years to 10 to make it easier to pay them. I don’t understand that sentence either. I just work here. #DitchEskom.  Speaking of Uncle #Gwede, Uncle #Cyril is ready to take him down. Headlines hit that #Ramaphosa has #Mantashe in his sights for next to be axed. It’s all fun and games until you #DitchEskom, then it doesn’t matter. #Ramaphosa also took a swipe at #AceMagashule, saying that the new leadership in the Free State is a “vast improvement”. Feel the burn #Ace?

The Zulu king says that we shouldn’t criticize Ramaphosa, he’s been chosen by God. This was his message to over 10,000 people on the hill. Zuma was unimpressed and took to the stage, without an invitation, and he called the King’s words a call for war. He undermined the King. Of course, #Buthelezi fixed it. May you live long #TataButhelezi and may your body and mind remain strong.

The number of stories I saw about #politicalkillings and kidnappings, was extraordinary and then I read of a boy being shot 17 times.

Matric Pass rate was actually based on a 30% pass mark in most subjects, and the real stats show that only 38.4% received over 50% (well its worse than that, I’m being kind). Naledi #Pandering Pandor was trending because of her pro-Russia narrative and the #PublicProtector enquiry may call #ThuliMadonsela to give evidence. That will be worth the watch.

Let’s make it snappy before you get bored.  Here’s a story that deserves far more coverage; #jurieRoux basically took 27 million rand from Stellenbosch University and gave it to the rugby guys, didn’t tell a soul, just used funny numbers. #FunnyNumbers, the reason we got here in the first place. #LockHimUp, make an example of these #AccountingIrregularities that are becoming #AccountingRegularities. I have more bad news I’m afraid. #Msaki left both her music and social media due to bullying; there’s an interest rate hike; fuel prices are set to rise next week; all dairy farm court cases were postponed and our biggest loss was #FreneGinwala. She passed on earlier this week, this woman really deserved the title of #Giant, thank you for fighting for the women in our country ma’am, the struggle continues, #AlutaContinua.

That’s it, I’m out of words, enjoy the #heatwave that the weatherman insists is not a #heatwave, I’m going to jump on a boat and leave these troubles on the surface. Life is so much better under the sea.

I’m Tonya Khoury and you’ve really scratched that media surface with me today, thank you.