This week was not #demure, not #mindful and not #cutsies. Yip, that’s the line I’ve chosen to start with. Blame it on the super-blue-red-moon. It’s Friday and I insist on staying cheerful as we scratch the surface wide open on an exhilarating week in South Africa. I have to start with #Dricus, you biscuit.
He did it. He thrashed Nigerian-born #Adesanya in a title defender fight. Dricus won by submission, such an interesting word, submission. This fight kept us revved up all weekend until the early hours of Sunday morning where most of us clung onto, the now infamous, #HulleWeetNieWatOnsWeetNie! Originally, the quote was used in the context of farm murders, but today it is used to say that we South Africans are made of magical stuff. We are unique. Dricus had also been for some serious media mentoring, and he put on an impressive performance outside the ring. He turned the locker room banter into a class act when he showed, not good, but great sportsmanship and grace after winning one hell of a fight. I like him, and even though it took two famous Springboks and a national anthem to rectify any previous reputational damage, he did it. The comeback PR kid is still the king of the ring. Between #Dricus and #MissSA’s #Chidimme debacle, the Nigerians are a little peeved at us, peeved enough to start a xenophobic turf war. Albeit childish, Nigerians and South African nationals are now booking each other #Bolt rides and cancelling after the driver makes his way on a fake call in either Nigeria or South Africa. Bolt drivers in these two countries are literally being fleeced day and night. It has gone so far that food deliveries are being added to #Bolt drivers’ instructions which, in turn, is making an impact on fast food outlets as this trend snowballs. Not #Demure. We can be the most mindful nation on earth and we can also really be not #cutsies.
If you’re wondering what this #demure nonsense is about, you’ve not been on Instagram or TikTok and you’re probably a better person for it. It is a ridiculously catchy trend that even I am partial to. I know, somebody stop me. There’s a transgender woman who’s really early into her journey: picture a five-o-clock shadow, some serious makeup on a hefty jawline and wearing a wig. She is teaching women how to act like ladies in public. She does arbitrary things like picking up a cell phone and telling us how to behave in a demure manner; to be mindful and cutsies. It’s hilarious, but it’s also bound to become very annoying. If you missed it check our YouTube channel for the full story and, perhaps, to truly appreciate the theme of this piece.
Our week began in earnest with Julius #Malema. He’d shaken off the week before and came out of the corner like #Dricus on crack. Wow, did he fire shots and drop files like the CIC he is? Yes he certainly did. Juju is back and he had his cross-hairs on the people’s #bae, #Ndlozi. Apparently, Ndlozi issued the ultimate act of betrayal. Floyd, the then deputy president of the EFF and Juju’s long time chom, left the EFF last week to join #Zuma’s #MKParty. That’s not the ultimate betrayal dear friends, no not at all. #Ndlozi (who is known in Twitter streets as Julius’ water bearer) is married to Mmabatho Montsho. Mmabatho “liked” a social media post where Floyd crowed about joining #MK and how wonderful this new party was. This click of a like button was the ultimate betrayal. Definitely not demure. Not mindful and, according to Julius, not cutsies. Julius was on fire, he raged like only Juju can. He called on all traitors to leave and leave now. He spat venom at his own comrades as he blamed them for wards that fell below ten percent in the latest election. He said those wards would be broken down and he would oversee them himself. It was brutal; it was #Malema. But his flipflopping is becoming tired and we stare at our screens wondering if this is the demise of the red tide.
After #Malema’s address, Floyd Shivambu had to have to retort right? He had no choice. So uBaba, Jacob, called a press conference to announce his line-up. Yes, those words were used deliberately, line-up. Firstly, because there’s one thing the MK Party is filled with and that is open court cases and, secondly, because Zuma made them all line up behind him as the speaker called out their names. They had to stand for an age before they were allowed to finally take their seats, this after begging permission from uBaba. This place is a circus guys, not demure at all. Anyway, Floyd got lost on his way to the podium and we saw exactly why this party is labelled as “disorganised”. It took a good five minutes for Floyd to get to point B where he could finally talk. When he did open his mouth to a mute microphone, I found him quite, dare I say it, demure. But in the true sense of the word he was toned down; the volume was lowered and he was almost coy. Almost. Fascinating to watch. After Floyd’s speech, and now with direction to the podiums, we had a run of speakers at MK’s event. And then there were questions from the media … and then another run of speakers before finally Zuma stood up and told us that his (in)mates had answered all the questions. What was left for him was to tell us was that in nineteen voetsek white people worked together to make sure black people didn’t have the same rights. He does this very irritating thing, no not the cough and the laugh. Also not the middle finger to his glasses and audience. He asks the audience to answer things he pretends he’s forgotten, like the name of the town Vereeniging, which he mentioned only three sentences ago. But regardless, the crowd cooed like morons. Duduzile was there with her terrifying smile that is so wide you may fall under a spell or into a well. She frightens the life out of me that chick, the insurrection master. At the exact same time, we had two other major stories breaking, check this timing out: #PaulMashatile, our current deputy president, signed the next stage of the NHI implementation and the same Paul Mashatile’s VIP protection unit was in court for beating up a civilian by kicking him across the tarmac in a road rage incident. The same incident that we are told didn’t happen even though it is on camera. The same incident we were told was merely a driver getting out a vehicle on a motorway to have a pee. Remember that one? That was postponed to February of next year. Let’s just leave that there, shall we? It was brilliant to see television media split screens show all the events unfolding at once. It’s just a game for these politicians. And they actually still think we are buying this rubbish. #Cutsies.
MK have had a busy week. The man who registered and founded the party, Jabulani #Khumalo, was dismissed by the leadership of MK as an “attention seeking fraudster”, isn’t that literally their core values in a candidate? I’m confused. I’m not the only one. There are ten expelled MK members who are still MPs, what is going on guys? Then impeached ex-judge #Hlope tried to get reprieve from #Concourt. The highest court in the land, the same court Zuma disobeyed and started an insurrection over. Now, Zuma’s head honcho is trying to use the court to reinstate him. What’s happening? This is not #demure at all.
In other politrix, twenty-two #ActionSA members quit as #Mashaba solidified his strategy with the ANC. IFP member #Zondo has been put on special leave amidst rape allegations. Ace #Magashule’s PA, #Cholota, hit back at the courts but it is unlikely to sway them. Panyasa #Lesufi, in an explosive interview, said that the #ANC is a sinking ship. Let’s be fair Panyasa, it’s not only the ANC, look around you pal, there’s hardly a party standing. Not demure. Definitely not a mindful bunch between them and cutsies? No ways. And where on earth is cupcake? The prez has an eye infection that has kept him away from work all week. It may also be related to the fact that the accused from the #Phalaphala couch story appeared in court. Or it could have been some of these headlines which will make anyone hide under the bed. City of Joburg workers shut down highways in a pay strike. Construction mafia run rampant across our country and we learn that 1 in 25 kids will die before the age of 5. I’m trying to be cheerful, it’s just the news keeps getting in the way. A grade eleven pupil was assassinated. There was a drug bust worth 80 million. #Diepsloot turned into a war zone, again, as illegal electricity connections were cut off. A 53-year-old teacher sexually assaulted a thirteen-year-old girl. Two murder suspects were shot in Kwadukuza. There was a mass shooting in #Umlazi. A mother poisoned her child and a woman was hacked to death in a domestic abuse case in Louis Trichardt. And then this: #DeveneyNel, a grade ten learner (16), was stabbed in her neck and chest and then dragged to the school storeroom and left lifeless. The killer is allegedly a fellow learner and, as he is a minor, he cannot be named. This guy is 17 and #Deveney’s parents and various lobby groups are calling for him to be tried as a man and not a juvenile. This murder most heinous deserves our full attention. When our schools become a battleground, we have really lost the good fight.
On the subject of our children in schools, who amongst us didn’t benefit from #WilliamSmith, the legendary television mathematics teacher. I loved mathematics so I used to watch him for hours. He passed away this week and the legacy he left will long remain. RIP our dearest teacher #WilliamSmith, thank you for serving your country sir. Very mindful, very demure, very cutsies. Completely unlike #StatsSA who couldn’t get their maths right if you paid them. They released their annual study and then retracted it less than two days later. The numbers don’t add up you see? This is not accounting guys, there should be no funny numbers here. Act demure. Stats make a massive impact on our country. We are told that KZN is suffering from food and water scarcity, now that’s a stat that needs televising. Not some made up random percentages, come on! Be mindful.
I’ve long ran out of words good people, I didn’t mention it was three years since #BabitaDeokoran was assassinated. Nor did we even focus on the murder of the #PastryChef. I guess you know that panga-wielding pastor #Mboro was denied bail? Let me wrap this up. There is a drop in inflation. Yay! And a massive cold front. Boo! There’s no movement on the #SenzoTrial, but #BusiMadamMkhwebane is back in court trying to get her grubby mitts on another million bucks. So not demure. The Springboks are back on the field and taking names. Sport, the great South African saviour. And then we have Gayton. The nation’s darling. I watch him weigh in every Wednesday on his journey to wellness. I really like this oke, he’s so demure, so cutsies, so mindful.
Across the borders, they found a massive diamond in Botswana, don’t show King Charles will you? #Trump had his first outdoor rally post the assassination attempt. There was no ‘Donald duck’. Elon #Musk and Trump are having a love affair as Elon says he is “ready to serve”. Trump tried to fake a #TaylorSwift endorsement, not cutsies at all. Then Ben Affleck and Jennifer #Lopez broke up, saddies. A yacht carrying tech tycoons sank off the coast of Sicily. Hectic. #Ronaldo opened a YouTube channel pulling four million subscribers in twenty-four hours and actor #AlainDelon passed away. In his will he wanted his dog euthanised and buried with him. Um, no. No that wasn’t going to happen, it’s not mindful (unless you’re the pharoah).
I’m gone, the sign is up on the door. It says: “gone to find a potato bass”. Don’t call, don’t write, be mindful guys, be demure. Happy weekend, I hope it’s cutsies. Thank you for scratching the surface with me and Acumen Media.
