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Category: Acumen News | Featured

#DearJohn, The #HoofMeisie and #RamaFORCE

Date: 07.17.2024

Written By

Tonya Khoury

And you thought we didn’t have a President. We do, and he’s fighting and feisty. He won’t be bullied and for the first time in years he’s made me happy, but just for a minute. My President wrote a #DearJohn. But let’s look before we leap (or jump) and take a step back to see how we got here #DearJohn.

The DA, my favourite party, not, has been strutting around like a rooster with a puffed out chest. #BaasJohn has had a smile so wide you’d swear he was in Alice in Wonderland, tagging along with Zille who has been shouting “Off With Their Heads!” more than any #QueenofHearts possibly could. She has apparently been stomping across the GNU like a hippo on a trampoline. She is doing what Helen does best, push buttons. One would swear the DA actually won the elections, they didn’t, in fact they lost at least 100 thousand votes, yet here’s GodZille playing #hoofMeisie (head girl) across the cabinet. They made ridiculous demands which included #DearJohn be deputy president and the DA wanting at least twelve cabinet positions. The Prez finally agreed on six cabinet posts for the DA, one of them the coveted Department of Trade and Industry (DTI). This was gracious of Cyril, because according to the constitution HE chooses the cabinet: no Ifs, Buts or Maybes. Did you read that Helen? You should have taken it and ran, but no cigar. So queen Helen wrote a scathing and insulting letter to uncle Cyril and she got what she rightfully deserved, a can of whoop ass and the DTI was replaced with Department of Tourism in the form of a #DearJohn. That’s not the final word, though, good people, late last night it appeared that all talks had broken down between the DA and the ANC. #DANC Squid.

It was never going to work was it? I mean the first mistake was getting Fikile to negotiate with Gogo Helen. Whose bright idea was that? You put Minister Fear Fokol at the table with #GodZille. Of course #Razmatazz signed something he shouldn’t have and the ANC shoved the paperwork back in file thirteen and started again. I have a question: who is Helen eintlik and who is the DA? We don’t like them, and Helen you should have retired years ago. We didn’t vote for you guys. Didn’t you work that out? We voted for minor parties to try and get rid of you and here you are swanning across the GNU like you birthed it. Sit down and read your #DearJohn. #RamaForce replaced Ramatress and he has insisted he will announce HIS cabinet today. Side note: How did the ANC become the good guys? My country of constant contradictions.

Let’s finish off the politrix. The #StepAsideRule has been completely compromised as we see gangsters queue up to be sworn into Parly. #ZiziKodwa, the corrupt ex-sports minister rattled SA’s cage. We were surprised to see #Gigaba, remember him? He was with home affairs and then suddenly became finance minister. His missus said that he mustn’t worry if the rand drops because he can just pick it up again. He was also called the #CandyCrush minister as we caught him several times playing video games (not normal games) in parliament. We caught him at other stuff too, but that’s NSFW. If that wasn’t bad enough, #ZweliMkhize and impeached #JudgeHlope also swaggered into the room. Then my worst was seeing #DuduzileZuma shake her dreads into office. So now #phalaphala will command our attention again as what’s good for the goose is definitely not good for the gander. #DearJohn and #HoofMeisie.

If you thought this was terrifying, enter #RenaldoGouws, a racist of gargantuan proportion. Social media is going to get you racists. Social media never dies and my goodness did his past come back to haunt him. He lamented that his “K rant” was over 16 years ago. Guys it was 16 years, why are you worried? If a man killed someone sixteen years ago are you going to care? Of course you are. Well Gouws made it clear that he is a white supremist and his comments don’t only extend from over a decade ago, but also up to four months ago when he was still spitting racist venom. It also turned out that Zille featured on his podcasts, not once but twice. Can we have this man in Parliament? Absolutely not. He was suspended from the DA and I believe he’s been fired, but who knows? He should be in jail shouldn’t he? I don’t and #GNU?

Moving on to bigger things: #Water, which really should be the only headline in our country. Come on South Africa our only focus should be resolving this massive life-threatening crisis. Gauteng and Western Cape are dealing with #DryTaps and calling it maintenance. Do I have to point out that we will all die without water? I’d rather point your vision east of our continent to Tanzania and Uganda where people are never without water and electricity. They’ve owned their shortcomings, why are we still pretending? Og I GNU.

And what of #Malema you ask? Well, he managed to convince a judge that the rifle he was carrying and firing on stage was in fact a toy. Yes good people, Juju had a toy gun on a stage and was arrested for firing it. This week he had the judge eating out of the palm of his hand as she picked up the toy, said it was very heavy and moved on. He’s getting off scot-free, isn’t he? Talking about tax free – did you see #Kenya? How mental was that? The government introduced one tax too many and the entire country imploded. Within less than twenty-four hours that tax was withdrawn and Kenyans, realising their power, will not be quiet now. Fascinating times when the people hold the politicians accountable. It’s not pretty is it GNU?

Let’s take a quick glance at the international headlines. The great news is Julian #Assange has been freed in my lifetime. I’ve read every book and watched every doccie about Julian and, while not a very nice man, he certainly told the truth and paid dearly for it. #WikiLeaks is one of the greatest “power to the people” and truth battles of our time and #Assange sacrificed his sanity and his life to tell us the truth. He was held in one small room for sixteen years for us to know what America actually is. Now someone give us that #EpsteinList again.

Two of our soldiers were killed in the DRC. Let’s be fair, we sent them there to die. The Bolivian president was subject to a coup as the army battered down the doors of parliament with a tank. We have #Netanyahu losing his grip as he takes aim at #Lebanon and his war cabinet dissolves in front of his eyes #CrackedActor. #Putin went for a playdate with #KimJongUn. That was pretty frightening. And then hundreds of pilgrims making Hajj have died from the heat. The Saudi government says they were not legally in Mecca, what does that even mean? And then there was #TrumpvsBiden. Ridiculous. Painful to endure. The one didn’t stop lying and the other couldn’t string a coherent sentence together. They argued, and I’m not making this up, about golf! Yes dear friends, we are here. Two geriatrics talking politrix and golf. Someone send them a #DearJohn.

To cheer you up, #Springboks are our happy space and #ProteaFire makes for anxious viewing this weekend. I’m back in the water and I’ve heard you can dive with a musical background now because the whales have arrived in our Sodwana Bay. The weather is spectacular and it’s still manta season. Don’t call, don’t even write, not unless it’s to #DearJohn.

I’m Tonya Khoury and thank you for scratching the surface with Acumen Media on a fire-and-forget political week.

 

Dear John

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