Roll up, roll up for your weekly dose of the media backed by irrefutable data. Yours truly and Acumen Media are scratching the surface of the headlines you endured over the past seven days. This report is jam-packed but most of it is politrix. Trigger warning: I make political statements in this report. Disclaimer: I have the data to back up what I say.

There is a war raging in our parly seats, yet you’d think the war ravaging women and children in our country would be the most important focal point? But nah, this is what is considered a very dangerous war that needs our undivided (ha) attention. The DA are leaving the GNU, again!

Can you count the times when you stole and lied,

When you tied this country to the railway lines.

Let me count the times when we knew better, and we knew it was a crime.

Are we asking for so much?

We just want something we can hold, down.

Another set of lyrics butchered; apologies to Lloyd Cole who stole it from Elizabeth Barret Browning’s Sonnet 43. Ah sonnets, remember when we wrote sonnets?

The DA left the #NationalDialogue, it’s a stupid idea anyway trying to shove the nation’s sentiment into an event. It could be a social media report. I’m not sure if we’re meant to be sad or happy at the amount of money we are saving by not having 22% of the cabinet scoffing and gassing about how bad each other are. The DA are peeved because the Prez fired #Whitfield, the guy who was off to #Washington probably to join the #FFPLUS team who are warra warraing about Julius and his bad taste in music. The DA have the hump and they threatened South Africa. They exited the national dialogue and also threatened, again, to exit the GNU. To be honest, I thought they’d already left because they’ve cried wolf so many times but turns out they are still in the GNU. This time around they gave the President 48hrs to get rid of the rot in his cabinet. As expected, the deadline arrived and nothing happened. These guys irritate the life out of me, and they lose votes because of their finger-pointing politrix. Go fix the Cape Flats or turn the water on in Khayelitsha. Stop diverting. IF your house is clean #Zille then we can move forward. But it’s not, is it? It’s filled with hate, racism, greed, bullying, lies and thuggery.

I switched channels and here was the #MKParty imploding, apparently uBaba is filling up the camo seats at MK with all his familia. I heard some frustrated ex-CamoParty guy say how Jacob has appointed his brothers, brother-in-laws, sons and daughters. These guys are in such a disarray that they are sending legal letters to each other. Let me count the times that you stole and lied. This is just a gang of bandits that hang around a gang of Zuma’s family. There’s another 15% of our cabinet. They fired or “redeFloyd” another chief whip this week, #ColleenMakhubele. This is either the fifth or sixth redeFloyment from the whippery. Now you see, now I’m finished. A whippery? Are we meant to take this seriously. I always thought this “chief whip” title was odd. Like does that person carry around a cat of nine tails or do they make really good strawberries and cream. And now you’re telling me there is a “whippery”. It’s far too funny for me.

I digress, over 37% of our political servants either can’t get it together or they don’t know what ‘together’ means. And then we have the ANC… just wow. The teachers of chaos, the purveyors of feeding frenzies, the slow disintegrating incumbent that is left only because of a wildebeest. A GNU.

I watched several court cases, one being #Mbenenge, the judge that was allegedly sexually harassing his colleague. We had experts called in to tell us about emojis and that no means no. Then the defense told us that in Xhosa culture no means yes and my jaw fell on the floor. I tripped over it, hit my head and when I awoke, it was still true. Perhaps we need to revisit that culture thingy hey? No means yes? He had the audacity to say to the witness that she is not an expert at all and should stick to her whiteness. Or something like that. Tied ourselves to the railway lines.

Back to the DA, so they’re retaliating against the Whitfield exit, and they’ve chosen one of my favourites … #Nkabane. She’s the minister of higher education and also the chick who was eating in a parliamentary session, and when the obvious was questioned, she said “it’s allowed, google it”. This chick is the epitome of #NotBothered. She ain’t bovered. At all. She rolls her eyes on camera when questioned by the media, she has an attitude that would make my cat look friendly and she truly believes she requires special treatment and that this is merely a “racist” attack. Well, the DA are taking her to court and they are opposing her budget in parliament. Not only hers but also #Simelane’s (they don’t like her much either, to be fair no one does.) So, while they’re boycotting budgets, the hospitals back up without funding, the queues get longer at Sassa and more women and children are assaulted. Why are you boycotting budgets? Why don’t you just take the crooks to court? The DA are so D-U-Double L.

I should be on the #SardineRun, it’s that time of year. Last year I was on a boat with a mixed crew, including one Italian guy who made me laugh. Eager to please his guests, the owner who is also the skipper took this Italian photographer to a crag in the beautiful wild coast. It was breath-taking, but Edo, the Italian, thought differently, he said that a picture of this beautiful scene was D-U-Double-L. And that insult stayed with me. Politics is D-U-Double-L. Can we please move forward it’s been a year on these rough seas and the DA have been leaving the boat while the MK Party never got on the boat in the first place and no one is doing any work.

Right, focus Khoury. We pulled out foreigners from hospital queues; does everyone know that foreigners actually PAY the state hospitals, so why would you remove your cash earner? And also, did no one read the hypocratic oath. There are so many undocumented foreigners (whose fault is that?) and they’re here now, so are we just going to let them die? Come on, take their money and tax them. Make them part of the economy. I never felt like this before, I used to believe all foreigners should leave immediately (if undocumented), but I had a chat with a mate, who’s smart, and he said why don’t we just tax them. Make them part of the ailing economy. I mean where are they going to go guys? Let’s be reasonable about our immigration issues. It’s too late, there are around two to three million people from Zimbabwe alone, imagine if they all got taxed. Maybe the DA won’t be crying about the budget. If just one hundred rand comes from each of them…can you do the math Helen? I can.

But instead, fuel has gone up, so everything will go up. The flood responses to the Eastern Cape are dire. There is a request to change South Africa’s name to Azania. The back end of Tanzania. Why not, you aren’t doing anything anyway. Let me count the times when you stole and lied.

The Enyonbeni tavern court case kicked off this week and it was a wonderful moment to see #BrianSaxonwoldShebeenMolefe and #AnojDidNotDoItSingh in court for stealing that railway line that they tied us to. Anoj has a face I wouldn’t tire of kicking. I despise this man. The fact that he’s walking around in his expensive suit and glasses infuriates me. I was gunning for this oke when Pravin Gordhan first told us to “connect the dots”. Gordhan is dead now and Anoj-facehate-Singh is still skipping through hallways.

#Groenewald, head of correctional services is calling for #CorporalPunishment for petty crime. I think any criminal, anyone, should be forced to do hard labour. Fix the potholes, clean up the rot surrounding our living places, plant trees. If you insist on six of the best to be added to the punishment then ok, go ahead. We have an untold amount of people that are literally free labour, why aren’t we using them? Let me count the times when you stole and lied.

And then the shockwave yesterday the former Deputy President DD #Mabuza passed away. We don’t know what was wrong with him, but we do know he was 64. He only served one term. He was feared by many, but he left politics quietly. I’m sure next week his death will be a top story.

And to sport: The bokke square up to the Italians, it won’t be D-U-Double-L Edo, but you will lose. And then the end of an era! Sasol and #BanyanaBanyana part ways. I know deep down it’s SAFA’s fault and I know that Sasol would have fought hard to keep our girls winning. I know because they’re my client and they love this team from the core of the company. It’s ridiculous but let me count the times when SAFA have tied us to the Prasa railway line that was chopped up and shared amongst the greedy.

Meanwhile overseas, a court jury acquitted #DiddyCombs of the most serious charges of racketeering conspiracy and sex trafficking and found him guilty of two counts of transportation to engage in prostitution. Yes you read that right, he called an Uber for some chicks. That’s what the jury said. This is after they watched him beat the crap out of his girlfriend on camera. That doesn’t count, want to know why? She went back to him, like most battered wives. All those images of freak off parties and testimony from abused women was pushed aside because of bought lawyers and whippery. Let me count the times, it was Weinstein, Epstein, R Kelly (who must be gutted) and now Diddy. Will we ever hold down the elite? Of course not.

At #Glastonbury, we saw #Kneecap (who I’ve never heard of before) take down the BBC with his pro-Palestinian stance. He chanted “Death Death to the XXX” the three letters of the soldiers in the place we cannot name. He was banned across the UK, had his visas revoked and all this while at least 500 Palestinians were shot in queue for aid. Unarmed, starving and now dead but a struggle song is what shuts down television stations? Let me count the times when you lied BBC. We will never be content, not until you broadcast the truth.

In Yankee land, the “Big Beautiful Bill” that is likely to bankrupt many, has been passed. I think the vote was pushed through by four or five counts. Crazy hey? I wonder how much money changed hands over that vote. I watched these clowns on teevee and some of the cabinet are tweaked up and others are drunk as skunks. Double B the war criminal, the one that isn’t allowed to travel, will be in the Tangerine’s office next week because Trumper has apparently issued a ceasefire deal to H#mas and there may be a ceasefire for sixty days. I wonder if this is like the last ceasefire, which was just open fire. And what happens after sixty days? Dare we ask. H@m@s has offered the hostages repeatedly to he who shall not be named and he just ignored them. One of the American hostages was released without any counter request. But you don’t know that because the big media don’t report that bit.

He’s been busy, the Tangerine, he also said that he would get DOGE to investigate spending on Elon’s toys and he might even deport Muskette to South Africa, which is idiotic, he’s not a South African, I doubt he even has a #Greenbook and after he bullied his way around BEE, he’s not well liked either. There won’t be an Elon welcoming party, I can promise you that. He may as well go knock on #SteveHofmeyr’s door. They’ll get along. Remember Steve drove over his DSTV decoder so he needs Starlink.

Oil prices are mental, that’s cause Merica messed with the Ayatollah. And the thumper was stomping around what he called #AlligatorAlcatraz, the place built and surrounded by alligator infested swamps that will be used to cage illegal immigrants. He won’t tax them; he’s a cruel man, not an honourable man. Another politician. Let me count the times when you swore and lied.

The Dalai Lama has had a meeting about his potential passing and who his reincarnate might be. Apparently it may not even be a human. Well, that’s how reincarnation works isn’t it. I mean if you’ve been a horrible person and sucked on little boys’ tongues then perhaps you’ll come back as a dung beetle. Who knows? Anyway, good luck with that.

Jimmy Swaggert the lying cheating televangelist died this week, let me count the times. He came to SA and my mom and I went to see him (before the prozzie stuff) and it was the most frightening experience of our lives, you could tell there was evil there.

And then in other international news, #Wimbledon kicked off and then there was the tragic death of Liverpool’s footballer, Jota, who died in a car cash in Spain with his brother André Filipe, 26. Jeff Bezos had a fifty-million-dollar wedding, this is less than one percent of what he is worth. Imagine if he was a good oke? What could you do with fifty bar to help the homeless?

If you’ve read this far, you deserve a reward, there was the viral #TikTok video of a women who came home to find another woman’s weave in her house. Instead of confronting the husband, she wore the weave and made a video. The original owner wants the weave back, but nope, that’s not what’s happening. It’s funny. How many times can you count where he swore and lied.

I’m Tonya Khoury, it’s cold but I’m still going swimming, there is manta in the water and Sodwana is empty. Perfect. Thanks for scratching the surface with me and Acumen Media.