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Category: Acumen News | Featured

#BossMoves #Shuffling and Murder on the Dance Floor. #SACabinet

Date: 07.17.2024

Written By

Tonya Khoury

Have I Got GNUs for You. It’s been an incredible week South Africa, a week where we saw the polar opposites in our government come together as the electorate forces our country to work together. It’s Friday, I want to keep it light so let’s begin with our new Sports Minister, #GaytonMacKenzie.

Gayton, the darling of social media has had us smiling all week. He’s so excited with his new post isn’t he? He’s like a kid on the morning of his birthday. It’s very cute to watch. My favourite part of the week was when he was sworn in as minister of sport. He took his oath and then Judge #Zondo asked him to “sit down” to sign his promise to the nation. Gayton said: “The last time a judge told me to sit, I got ten years.” The crowd and social media roared with laughter. Since then, Gayton has been enthusiastically tweeting how he is officially on diet (because no one wants a big sports minister); he said that “spinning” should become a national sport, he’s jogging in the morning and may be joining Tumi Sole; he will build swimming pools in all schools in the first one hundred days of his tenure. #GaytonYouBiscuit, thanks for making my week! Who would have thought an ex-con in government could make us so proud? #SACabinet.

The swearing in ceremony had huge highlights: Uncle #PhuzaFace #GwedeMantashe bumbled through the oath up to the bit where it says that he will not disclose any state secrets. Gwede said, without any attempt to change it, that he would share state secrets. Judge Zondo turned to Cyril and said, if there are any leaks, you know who they’re from. It was meant to be funny, but it was exactly what it was. #SACabinet.

And then there was a boss move by the Prez with #Steenhuisen; he’s not the Deputy President, he’s the new Minister of Agriculture. It’s a boss move because Jumping John’s deputy, Zwanele, is obsessed with #LandReform. That should keep the two of them busy. A not so boss move was putting Angie #Motshekga in charge of our defence force; she’s commonly referred to as #MinisterThirtyPercent because of the shocking pass rate that she used as a benchmark for our education system. So it’s fine to miss the target 70% of the time. And then get this, her deputy is General #BantuHolomisa from the UDM. Bantu, within twenty-four hours of his position announcement, lamented that there was not enough money. Can I ask why the Prez plays with our military like this? Make it make sense. And here’s another clanger: remember the #LifeEsidimeni tragedy? That dreadful time when a commission of inquiry confirmed that 144 mental healthcare  patients were dead due to neglect and 1,418 others were exposed to torture, trauma, and poor health outcomes. If you watched this case unfold and remember it vividly, like I do, then you’ll remember the minister of health on his knees at the commission begging forgiveness. That my friends was Aaron #Motsoaledi and today he is, again, our minister of health. #CryTheBelovedCountry.

Another boss move, #FreedomFrontPlus’s #Groenewald is the minister of #CorrectionalServices. That’s so cool right? Imagine if Jacob is sent down again? This time he would actually go to jail. #BossMove.

To be fair, most of the ministers struggled reading the oath or affirmation. One of the funniest moments was when Pemmy #Majodina (the woman who dresses like a Brazilian carnival) took her oath or affirmation in isiXhosa. She was pleased with herself with her beanie on her head. Sadly for Pemmy (but for our entertainment), there was no oath or affirmation in writing in Xhosa, so poor Pemmy had to read it again, this time in English. It was then made abundantly clear that the reason Pemmy chose isiXhosa was because she can’t pronounce “conscientiously” and the poor love had to be coached by #Zondo. Social media said it plain and clear: English never loved us. #SACabinet.

All in all 77 members have joined our bloated cabinet, as the promise to trim the fat certainly didn’t meet expectation. But we breathed a collective sigh of relief that the cabinet was appointed and all media turned to Gauteng’s Government of Provincial Unity. GaPoo if you will. The DA, lead by #Zille, was frothing. Zille was marching up and down, huffing and puffing about how this process was sending the country to the dogs. Well, you can imagine how that went down. Like the Hindenburg. I mean seriously what is wrong with her? Headlines across platforms read “Helen called us Dogs”,  so after another hissy fit, the DA left the room in Gauteng. Their walk out had … zero impact as the ANC made up the balance of the positions with other, more amenable parties. #GaPoo.

I ask again, why is Helen here? Why is Helen in Gauteng? Is she lost? The clue should be the missing mountain Helen. You’re out of your depth and your greed is unabated. Regardless of their loss, the DA addressed the nation as if they were the incumbent leading party. We didn’t listen, we got on with it. #NotABossMove

And what of MK you ask of me? Well, there’s some serious #shuffling going on. The SG, #Zwane, resigned with immediate effect, citing that the position in MK interfered with his business interests. Mmh, we all know what that means. It almost feels like MK turned up, won the elections, specifically KZN, and then didn’t stop partying. They forgot to turn up for work. No presence in the election results, none at the cabinet announcement and now nothing in the provincial cabinets. Why are they here? They should take Helen along for a guided tour through the Kalahari… I mean seriously peel me an olive.

Outside of politrix there were two tremors in Jozi, we don’t even talk about them anymore. We have shuffling to do even if the dance floor is crumbling. Water (now #CarnivalMojadina’s portfolio) is the top of any citizen’s agenda and amongst all this shuffling like a chain gang we are tied to a carnival waiting for the taps to drip. Then, and probably because of all the electricity we’ve been enjoying under #Ramokgopa, there is a R200 surcharge for prepaid meters. It’s not for electricity, it’s just a top up for #Eskom from the SA ATM. #CashCows for #HungryDogs. #Ramakopa is now also in charge of #Transnet; we got 77 ministers and only one for transport and power. #SpeaksVolumes.

And then this. The state withdrew all charges against #JubJub. How did that even happen? I’m confused, are you? We’ll have to wait for this story to unravel too. There were two other horrifying stories across our timelines: the first was Luvo Ngqaza, the nineteen year old terror who beat his grandmother to the floor for no reason whatsoever. This went viral and mob justice took hold. He begged to be arrested and he was, now over to you #Pollsmor. The second story is unbelievable, the stuff of nightmares. The story is still unfolding, so the details are not completely confirmed, but #Junior Mabandla’s six-year-old burnt body was found buried in a shallow grave. Beneath his tiny body was another child’s lifeless body, the cousin to Junior, Peaceful. She was three years old. Also burnt. The perpetrator is apparently known to the family and when the kids went missing a month apart the family suspected a member of their inner circle. Enter #KangarooCourt and mob justice, as it should and I feel sick. What are we doing to our kids? As the minister of social development #Tolashe takes to the helm after #Zulu is pushed out, we have to demand more from our leaders. #SaveOurKids.

Let me round up SA with good news: there is an #HIVInjection that has successfully passed trials and changes lives across the world, two shots per year, that’s all it takes to keep you protected. That’s our South Africa for you, why isn’t this the top story? What good news is this my friends. Incredible.

Across international media, the weather showed us the fury of our planet. #HurricaneBeryl tore chunks out of the Caribbean; storms flooded Europe; trees were torn by freak winds; tornadoes started in parking lots, giving song writers something to write about. It’s insane the weather we are experiencing.

There were some brutal videos of #Biden debating against #Trump. Finally America is warming up to the idea that Joe may need to go. I despise Joe Biden but I watched that debate and I saw an old man being tortured on a stage. His wife, Jill, came out after the debate and said, “ Well done Joe you answered all the questions and everything”  like he was a three year old in a spelling bee. It was ridiculous, and it was cruel. Shuffling off the stage Joe admitted that it wasn’t his best speech and that he’s not getting any younger. Enter Kamala, finally, but Joe apparently is defiant and staying put. Yo! America! What are you doing? We are the people with numpties like #Zuma et al, you’re meant to be a superpower, get it together. We’re watching America implode live on TV and the worst bit, the Americans are struggling to see it. They are like robots, programmed, compliant and complicit. A new law was passed that basically says if the president of the US is doing anything on duty, he can’t be charged with the law at all. Read that again, Trump did and smiled. We are here. Here where #Sunak leaves number ten as Labour wins landslide victory in the UK and we keep on dancing. #MurderOnTheDanceFloor.

Thank goodness! You made it dear reader, and I didn’t even mention #HawkTuah. If you know you know. You’re not hearing it from me. I’m getting on a boat as fast as my fins can carry me. It’s cold in Sodwana Bay, twenty-five degrees. See you under the surface now that we’ve scratched it with Acumen Media.

Boss moves

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