I’m going to level with you, there is a top story that is bigger than those I’m about to write about. But it’s not suitable for work. However, if you check out #TonyasTakeOut tomorrow, you’ll find a giggle that will stay with you all weekend. It’s on YouTube, so make sure you subscribe to Acumen Media.

Instead, I’m going to talk about Sandy, her precious cow print handbag and the level of importance a cellphone has. Sandy is 43, comes from Durban and is seen in an explanatory video wearing a leopard print top and she has a husky voice. Sandy is the quintessential suburban chick from durbs. Sandy is also quintessentially #GenerationX. Sandy is the woman in the #ToyotaTazz that decided she’d give two hijackers a run for her handbag. Sands went to the bank to get a letter of confirmation. Now we’ve all been there, those letters are a right pain in the proverbial. She was carrying her (no doubt) faux cow-print bag and inside was her ID, her bank cards, her house keys, her cellphone (which was taped together with sellotape – how many can relate?) and R2 (probably the tip for the car guard). #WeAreAllSandy, well apart from the animal print fondness. On her route home two guys tried to hijack Sandy at the booms; they got into her car and started hitting her and trying to get her out of the vehicle as their core focus was the hijack of the #Tazz. They grabbed at the key, and in the scuffle, it broke off in the ignition. Even though they had Sandy up against the ropes, they couldn’t get her out of the car. Seeing that the key was going to be a major problem, one of the assailants opted for the #CowPrint handbag as a last resort. He legged it. And Sandy lost it! I mean it was her handbag, have you any idea how hard it is to get a new ID card? And think of all the contacts on that cellphone and then there’s that laborious confirmation letter? Sandy saw red. She put her foot flat on the accelerator drove straight through steel booms and smashed into the hijacker who had the handbag. She proceeded to beat him up so ferociously that the bag flung into the air and onto the street. A petrol attendant from close by came running, grabbed the bag and came to assist. His first words:  “well done sister you got one!”. Soon after the cops arrested the guy. The other later handed himself in. The story doesn’t end there. This is a South African story remember. Sandy was chased again, this time by five guys who were obviously part of the hijack syndicate. This attempt at silencing Sands was also thwarted as a man in a large truck drove between them and the driver made sure she got home safely.  Oh, my South Africa! What a story hey? Is it time to take our bags back?

I’ve been in bag snatching situations twice and both times I got my bag back. My friend had her purse taken by a man with a gun, did she get it back, of course she did.  Do not underestimate the power of a woman and her handbag. Maybe that’s a lesson for us all. Treat your country like a cow print handbag.

Tonya’s Take Out unpacks Sandy’s antics in this new video:

It’s Friday, time is fleeting, and madness is trying to take control. I guess it’s time to #ScratchTheSurface with Acumen Media.

The rest of the week was so weird, depending on the news site or social media platform you picked, there was a completely different set of headlines for you to devour. It appeared as if #Musk had gone wild on SA. You heard his new trick? Remove all headlines from articles. That’s funny. Imagine not having a headline to an article, will we read anything? Musk the #HeadlineGrabber.

This next story is so crazy it’s ridiculous and it’s going to make you very angry. Three men were selling #SpaceMuffins at a primary school. They sold them to ninety children, #GradeRs, our littleys. They not only sold them, but they bullied the tiny tots into buying a “muffin” for R2. These are tiny kids, man, so they complied and 43 of them unknowingly ate laced muffins and landed up in hospital. The “bakers” have been charged with 43 counts of attempted murder and that doesn’t even come close to justice. Why would anyone do such a thing? These three guys should be removed from society. It doesn’t end there, a further two kids at a different place in SA ate biscuits that were apparently laced with something toxic: they died. What on earth are these stories now? What is this vendetta on our kids? Were they trying to drug the kids to kidnap them? What could possible drive people to do such despicable things. I read another story about a woman who held down her own child to be raped by the stepdad. And still today no matter how many times I remind you, the #SexOffenders list is still closed for the public scrutiny. Why? We need to be like Sandy guys.

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Here’s something else weird; you know when there’s a fire in Cape Town the whole of South Africa stares gormlessly at the Teevee? Well, there is a massive wood chip mountain in #RichardsBay that has been blazing for over a week in 40km winds and I saw three inserts on it over prime time over seven days. Why is that? I mean you should have seen it, the firefighters were stumped, wind moving north then south then east and west, flying embers of woodchips near forests threatening all directions. They showed one plane trying to drop water on the fire only for the water to be swept by the wind and it probably turned into a cloud by a wind so vicious. Only social media will tell you that this fire is still blazing; only social media will tell you that they suspect arson, and that it has to do with #Eskom because of the coal exports from the port. But in mainstream media it was just “how much wood would a woodchuck chuck …”

And then there was the big song and dance around #Ramaphosa’s meeting with #Mnangagwa at the border post where SA added a further 400 border security people. This makes it 600 in total that will now be earning bribes to take people across the fence. It was so silly and such a media show that the presidents both wore the same hats. Insert eye roll here. #ElectionLipService. Send in Sandy china, she’ll keep the borders closed.

Short and sharp now like a woman scorned (handbag optional). Zuma is trying to get rid of #Zondo as the #ChiefJustice; why is Zuma still relevant? The appointment of judges is raising eyebrows. #JSCInterviews. The head of #Transnet scarpered like a thief leaving a tazz behind. It looks like Koko and the #DigitalVibes tribe are going to get off. And then get this statistic, 91% of Mbombela’s water is stolen via illegal connections? What? I’m not even going there. The #SenzoTrial saw a witness being “Sandied” by #Mshololo, my goodness she’s a great advocate. She did not let go even when the judge actually stopped the witness from incriminating himself. Who’s this judge anyway, oh yeah, #Ramaphosa’s appointment. Postbank declared a two-billion-rand loss, but ja they were going to pay our Gogos last month right? What a joke. There are no eggs on the shelves as we start to keep a careful eye on #Nandos and #KFC. #RediHlabi trended, she doesn’t even live here anymore so I’m not sure why she’s relevant. #TrevorManuel told us that most of our politicians are illiterate. You don’t get points for stating the obvious clever Trevor.

There are more political killings every day and there is murder most foul amongst us. One hundred people were murdered in Cape Town this week and for those of you who think we don’t live in #mafiaville, this story is for you: In Cape Town a man was decapitated and his head put in a gift bag on top of his body. Not even Francis Ford Coppola can make this stuff up.

This is how weird we’re getting guys, we had an earthquake this week and literally no one cared. #Cele was found guilty of misconduct after his outburst with #IanCameron and he just laughed at the cameras. Oi, Sandy, over here matey, we got one for ya. A security guard shot a civilian who wouldn’t move out of the way during a cash in transit change of money. I’m terrified of those vehicles and the people driving them must be some of the bravest I’ve ever seen. It’s quarter four, Christmas is at the door, and they’re risking their lives every minute. I’m not sure if the guard was under threat but I get it.

There are far more stories but it was such a diverse week I would be chewing your brain all day. You probably heard that we may not be able to fly our flag or sing our anthem at the Rugby World Cup because we haven’t done the admin on the “anti-doping act”. The irony hey, we seem to get it right it to poison our children, but don’t ask us to do paperwork. Where is Trevor when you need him? There was a ruckus about #mamaJoy and how she was paid to stand and scream for the Springboks. I may be wrong but isn’t she a mascot?

My words have long run out so a quick skip overseas. Paris is filled with riots again as a girl is banned from wearing modest clothing and staying in that city is pretty scratchy as a bed bugs plague sets in across hotels and houses. #Tupac’s killer may not be who you thought. 2030 World Cup soccer will be played across six countries. Weird. Google turned 25 making it too old for Leonardo DiCaprio and then … arguably, the greatest rock n roll band alive today started their last tour at the new #Sphere in #LasVegas. #U2 changed musical history this week and to be honest I’ve never wanted to go to America, certainly not Vegas anyway. And now it’s all I can think about, that’s how fantastic branding works. What a thing to see right? It would be like seeing Elvis’ last concert but with a million led lights. Sounds like a bucket list item to me.

Here’s my parting shot before I go jump off a boat and befriend an octopus in a place where media doesn’t count. Kaizer Chiefs had a major brand win as they released #KaizerChips. I love it, the branding and the product are on point and so very South African. Nice work Amakhozi!

I’m Tonya Khoury thank you for scratching the surface with me and Acumen Media.