Hello South Africa, tell me how you’re doing? You’ve survived another week and I, for one, am enormously proud of how you’re still standing. Let’s check in on our mental health before reading this report. If you need to take your meds, this is a caution to do it now or you may feel like you entered a slippy-slide at one of those theme parks or, suddenly, become a character in a Lewis Carroll book. A rabbit hole, but one rapidly filling with water.
In diving we are told to “Go” on “Go”. When the skipper counts 3 … 2 … 1… GO you GO. You roll off that boat backwards. If you miss the count you stay on the boat (and they’ll drop you on the next pivot). Let’s scratch the surface of a stonker of a week! #321GO
I must start with the not-so-scary #TerrorAttack warning from the US embassy. The Yanks should learn something, and fast. With narratives like this, we just chuck you off the boat. I mean imagine how scared a fundamental terrorist would be in Joburg, he’d run for the hills. Come on man … know your audience. You see, their flaw was that the #USEmbassy released the “terror warning” themselves, not via the Prez. They first said it was an attempted attack on the US Embassy itself. Hold up. Have you seen that place? I’ve been there and let me tell you, that you barely get to make it into the building with all your clothes on. And once you’re through all the bomb checks, you have to walk a good kilometer to get inside the 10-inch-thick security glass doors. Here you are confronted by an unseen human behind more security glass, glass that is so thick that they use a set of microphones to talk to you. We were never going to buy that story. Then the narrative changed course, and it turned out the attack was on “Sandton” … anywhere in particular? Um, the shopping mall, obviously. I took to Twitter. I never believe headlines like this, and people were saying #Bathong isn’t it #Pride this weekend? Turns out there are several enormous events this weekend. Pride yes, but also the #SowetoDerby and the #KingsCoronation. These guys didn’t do their homework. I sat with that until, my President, and I say MY President for the first time in a long time, bared his teeth. He made a public statement saying that it was unfortunate that the Embassy didn’t call the country heads to tell them about this “terror attack” and that is a breach of protocol. He continued to say that they had created panic unnecessarily and that we have not received any evidence of a potential threat. Now watch the international media headlines: “Ramaphosa says terror threat ‘unfortunate'”. That is not what he said. He said you lied. And you did because you refused to give us proof. We also knew that there was an oligarch yacht that cruised our coastline a bit and the US had told us to intervene. But a bit like the #Guptas at Waterkloof, the yacht kept on cruising. Britain came out quickly to reprimand us and ran the same headlines. We didn’t care. Well actually, that’s not true, we do care, us ordinary Saffers, but we are street smart and it didn’t take us long to work out that the weekend is going to be brilliant with festivities everywhere and guess what? #321GO Get off the boat #WeMarch.
Talking about getting off the boat, #Koko and seven co-accused, most of which are his family (daughters to boot), were arrested for stealing R2.2 billion from Eskom. You remember Eskom? That entity that used to give us lights. They got R70k bail each, and so we wait for what is likely to be another case for #Dali. No man, not the artist, although you make a good point, this might as well be a Dali painting. Malema kept very quiet.
That pesky #Zondo, he actually made an impact and our Prez is getting those implicated in State Capture arrested one by one. Word on the street is that #SalimEssa is next, and guess who’s been asked to be the skipper of the #StateCapture arrest boat? #DDMabuza! Now before you get seasick, breath and look at the horizon. If he doesn’t do as he is told, he might be marooned. #321GO?
You see, I’m in an abusive relationship with our President, all the above makes me so happy and then we get given the #Enoch to the head. The #EnochGodongwane’s Mid Term Budget Speech read like something out of #ChairmanMao’s handbook. First let me tell you what you didn’t see in the headlines. The EFF arrived with placards calling #Godongwane a women abuser. Those placards were unbranded because you can’t carry party logos into Parliament. #Enoch, unphased, went on to tell us that the Government is in debt to the tune of R4.7 Trillion. He then told us the government is giving R3.4 billion to Denel! That the government is taking on a large part of Eskom’s debt. He gave R500 million to Home Affairs to fix that troublesome card printing machine and, are you ready for this, R118 million is going to be used to build a parliament building! Yes friend, our #KZNFloodVictims are living in buses and they didn’t get a cent. #321GO Get off the boat and leave your life jacket behind. You’re a mad hatter. Almost R5 trillion in debt and you want more debt to loot our SOEs again? You leave our countrymen without water, electricity and food but you go build your fancy building which could be replaced with a zoom call, it’s 2022. Ah well, at least the EFF can walk out of somewhere again. I hope it’s not another glass building. Really please leave the boat, the skipper is having a rant.
Oh, then there was this pearler of a story. You remember my friend Busi, Busisiwe, #Mkhwebane – madam – ah, now you remember. Yesterday Dali #Mpofu left the #194Enquiry completely. He just dropped it like he was a #KanYe sponsor. He says the whole thing is illegal and he will not participate in illegal activities. Then #Malema said if madam doesn’t have legal representation, he’s off this boat too, no count needed. A new trick everyone. Legal council leaves and we get another postponement. #321Gone!
Zuma, Mbeki and Motlanthe all addressed us about how bad Cupcake is at his job as President. Nice speeches always from Mbeki. I was surprised at our weekend special president #Motlanthe (you could have stayed man, we liked you) and then Zuma. Well, there must be something wrong with me, but it was Zuma’s address that put a smile on my face. It was so nice to see Zuma on screen. He couldn’t read and cleared his throat as the lies poured out of his mouth like a diver vomiting off the edge of the boat. He said how he had served his time in prison and that he was detained without trial and all that warra warra. So fun to watch, but it made me think. You know how you get #FantasyFootballTeams? Who would be in your #FantasyCabinet? They don’t need to be politicians; I only came up with a handful of names (three) and we need thousands. Maybe that’s for next week’s report because the political landscape is filled with #CoalitionCollission. They didn’t listen to the count, and if you don’t GO on GO then you’ll land on top of someone’s head with a cylinder. That’s not a cool way to have a dive. Semi-conscious. All this slide to the left, slide to the right, abstain from voting shenanigans have left the ANC back in charge. Tania Campbell was ousted in Ekurhuleni, which left her face shell-shocked. Seven votes were the margin. Unreal, less than a single boat. The EFF abstained – well obviously. These guys must think we are idiots.
We are watching mayhem and waves that are bigger than any boat, come on, are we 3-year-olds? People are being kidnapped and killed for their minnow positions in the government. Skosana, a municipal manager kidnapped. Her and her driver were found – the woman uses a wheelchair, where is your compassion? Lizo Vakala the EC Province Chair of Nehawu – kidnapped and burnt. The perpetrator fessed up, it was a woman.
#OperationDudula is riding back into town, and all that leaves us with is a backlog at courts that slow down these far more important cases. #Cas6372022 – #AreYouSure? If you’re a regular reader you’ll remember our brave friend, now in the court facing her abuser, was asked again, #AreYouSure? Not once but twice. And each time the question came from a woman. #321GO. Put the illegal people on a bus and send them home and help stop femicide. There was a Joburg man arrested after six women’s bodies were found in a workshop. Some guy killed his girlfriend and put her under his bed. #AreYouSure?! #Tazne’s killer was found guilty of murdering this child and raping her relatives and the #Krugersdorp #GangRapeCharges were dropped. Just push them off the boat!
I’ve long used up my words, so “swiftly and with ease” #FuelShedding maybe a thing, #Transnet is the new Eskom. #OUTA got rid of #eTolls (make a contribution to these okes today), they actually fix stuff. #Polokwane has no water. #RandWater says water shortages are due to climate change and it’s your fault for using your basic human right. #Whatsappshedding trended on Twitter and we all felt that. #Eskom can’t stick to a schedule or a stage (more bad acting) so we can at least plan our days. 190 thousand driver’s licenses are to be cancelled because they were bought. Someone else hasn’t been potty-trained at #Stellies, what even is that? There was another tavern shooting. The ANC will pay wages – just not today. LIFT is a new airline doing a Durban run, so come visit won’t you? And Happy #Diwali.
Across continents, #KanYe finally blew it and was escorted out of #Sketchers after #Adidas tossed his mic and trampled on it because of his Jewish hate. Yet another UK Prime Minister. This time, Rishi #Sunak, a brown person, now that is progressive for the Brits. Russia is having nuclear drills. And then to close, and certainly not welcome on my boat, #ChiefTwit is Elon Musk’s Twitter handle. At least something is right in the world.
Psst, listen before I go, what if our Prez is playing a very slow chess game? Small and big wins this week and some real #321GOs. I’m Tonya Khoury and I’m getting off the boat this weekend to find a porcupine puffer fish that is my new best friend. Thanks for scratching the surface with me and remember Go on Go.