The final six months of this year was enough to make you want to stick a fork in your eye. You didn’t though, you trooper, you made it. #Wakanda has nothing on you! I should start at the very end, a very bad place to start, and then we’ll begin armed with the umbrella of hindsight. Even #MaryPoppins would tell you now to take a spoonful of sugar to make this medicine go down. I holler spoiler alert: The President is here to stay and he is not adverse to using #Zuma-like tactics to remain at the top of the food chain.

We had the great debate and #PhalaphalaVote yesterday. The instructions were simple: yes, we read the report, or no, we don’t even bother. The entire ANC voted “NO”; it was a resounding majority because there was a meeting earlier this week where the #ANC were told to stand united with #Ramaphosa and, if anyone disagreed with that, they would be shown the door. We went on to hear how that report was riddled with errors and based on the statements from someone on #ArthurFraser’s payroll. So, the entire ANC, to keep their jobs in an #OpenBallot, skipped due process and carried on regardless. There were jaw-dropping moments like when #NDZ, we call her Minister #whenpeoplezol, said “Yes” to reading the report. Her counter-part Lindiwe #Sisulu didn’t bother to turn up. She probably had a #SickNote written by #ZweliMkhize who wasn’t there either. Julius told us that many people had received death threats about this vote. Does that matter now? Nkosazana has stepped across the line and so we start at the very beginning, not a very good place to start.

Welcome to the second half of the Acumen Report for 2022, let’s scratch the surface way back in July and bring it home so you can go on holiday understanding why you really need this time off. Strap yourself in because it’s a bucking bronco!

Let’s keep it light (ya right!). So-called “Advocate” #Teffo kept us busy, he certainly was the #Joker of the #2022Pack.  You’ll remember from part one of this report. ICYMI, that he was arrested in court for assaulting a female officer, well, in this half of the year he made it clear that the “President”, our #UncleInTheFurnitureBusiness was behind the heap of disarray that we call the #SenzoTrial. #Teffo was lambasted by the judge for his ridiculous behaviour, he then he used a bad word and disrobed.  That was fun, because the Judge was sharper than #EdwardScissorHands and #Teffo quickly got dressed and left the stage with his bottom lip on the floor. Last seen muttering something about Julius being in a cult, he left the airwaves. #ZandileMshololo, a real advocate, has been outstanding throughout this tangle of a trial. She called all the accused complicit, in fact she called all the people in the room complicit, including #KellyKhumalo, and said that they should all be charged. Yip my friends, Ye are here. The final wrap up of Acumen Media’s #ScratchTheSurface for 2022.

Still with #Senzo, we saw a lynch mob of journalists chasing #Madlala, one of the key witnesses, from room to room, playing hide and seek from the rampant cameras.  #MagicDockets, a new #SouthAfricanism, appear in this trial. Harrowing, because these were Senzo’s nearest and dearest and they told the court nothing: disgusting diversions and blatant lies.

We see twenty-four children die at the #EnyobeniTavern. We see twenty-four closed coffins, some empty, on display (supported by AVBOB). The results from the toxicology report are still missing, and, today, the story has disappeared. #2022WeCU.

#Cameron from #ActionSociety woke me up from a patriotic slumber when he tore #BhekiCele to shreds. He opened my eyes to #Cele’s lack of leadership and the lack of accountability. Cele’s response was an flury of infantile words and insults. Vile behavior from our #MinisterOfPolice because inaction and just satisfaction is what he is all about.

Our dissatisfied #courtRoomCouple #Mkwhebane and #DaliMpofu’s shenanigans are still costing us R140k per day.  At some stage, Dali and Busi had a tiff. She grabbed his laptop and changed a legal document; he objected (even Dali knows the law) and she yelled at him. She said that she doesn’t care. Yet another disgruntled but overpaid employee is our #Dali. He cross-examined a witness who’s “little sister” had fallen ill and died. During her grieving and attending to the awful things that death brings, this woman was issued a list by our #DevilWearsPrada #PublicNeglector. The list contained a set of reports that had to be finalised ; cases that were years into investigation. If the witness wasn’t going to make the deadline she would lose her job. Then we heard how the late disabled Madiba, who was perfectly able to complete his duties and had an exceptional track record, had suffered a stroke under her menace. When hearing that he had taken ill, Busi immediately sent him a Whatsapp requesting a list of items that needed to be completed. One item was due on the very same day and the consequence of non-delivery – disciplinary proceedings. He passed away. That’s our Busi! There can be only one. #2022WeCU

This story remained with us all year and is still nowhere near closing. We witnessed #DaliBullyMpofu threatening the chair’s life LIVE across the world. Reason: Dali didn’t get much sleep. What led to the sleepless night? #Concourt ruled that #Mkhwebane could go back to her job while the enquiry was playing out (like a B Rate movie). Obviously, this drew the wrath of the DA, Civil Society and others who then sent letters throughout the night to #Dali. He was suddenly flooded with urgent applications. One even came from the President who wanted answers by 9am. He told the chair that he would not be able to participate in the proceedings and that Madam Mkhwebane had a sick note. Good old #SickNotes hey? Another brilliant #SouthAfricanism.  When the chair said the show (literally) must go on, Dali said that the chair would “pay for this” and he must just “watch and see”. When the chair asked if that was a threat, Dali retorted like a true movie star, “That is not a threat; that is a promise”.  If that wasn’t dramatic enough he then just left the enquiry. He dropped it like a #KanYe sponsor. This is a whole new magic trick guys, legal counsel stages a walkout and next thing we have a lengthy postponement; we’ve heard of this before I believe we call this #Stalingrad tactics. (See first report here). As if that wasn’t dramatic enough, #Madam #Busi told the enquiry that she was being held hostage by the Concourt-vetted process, and that what she was going through was akin to Gender Based Violence (GBV).  I don’t make these things up. #2022WeCU

Then came the #ZamaZamas! A story of gigantic proportion and huge consequence. Firstly, kudos to #ChriseldaLewis; she would put her life into horrific situations to bring us the news.  And then this diabolical story unraveled. The #ZamaZamas are not just desperate gang members digging in the dark for nuggets:  the #Zamas are a national syndicate with sophisticated mining equipment that would make mining companies envious. Although exceptionally dangerous, they are just pawns in a hush-hush big wig operation. Well it was hush- hush until eight women went into #ZamaZama territory. They went there in the middle of the night, with expensive camera equipment to film a “music video”. They were gang raped and this triggered the #KagisoShutdown.   My gender are not daft. Why on earth would a group of eight women go to a mine dump in the middle of the night? Why was the POLICEWOMAN found to be holding the stolen camera equipment after the event. If you speak to the residents of #Kagiso, they will tell you that they barricade themselves in at night because they fear their surroundings, and the tyranny of armed men. Enter #Bheki “leave your hat on” Cele.  He said one woman was “lucky to be only raped once”. He actually said that. And then the heinous crime of #GangRape then turned into #XenoFibia. How did we cross from #GBV to #Xenophobia? Don’t ask me I just work here, but #OperationDudula was all over it like there was gold nuggets at the finish line. #2022WeSeeYou

#JessieDuarte passed on and we heard from #ThaboMbeki that the country was on #Autopilot. #TavernShootings became a thing. If you thought we weren’t at war, it means you missed the strikes and horror.  Those little fires everywhere. We saw the death of #Transnet and #Eskom. We were shown the ugly face of #Stage6 or more like #StageSIES. A set of Eskom employees went on a no pay strike for an entire week. What rubbish! That means a bunch of people that gave up a quarter of a month’s wages in 2022 where the monthly bar is R350Grants.

Ah #Eskom, I think Angie #Motshekga summed it up well by saying if we have to “get up to go to work in the dark, then we must rather get up once the sun has risen.”  Elementary #DearAngie.  Where was Cyril?  Well he was giving his great #EnergyPlan address, obviously the lights literally went out and apart from uncomfortable silence, he finally acknowledged that there was a “mysterious third force”.  This isn’t Star Wars sir – you don’t need an intergalactic ship to get find the force.  Just google Nkandla and hit directions, take a #shotLeft to the #RET.

I must say though, there were several brave attempts at cleaning up the rot. #ZandileGumede and twenty- one co-accused were up for stealing millions if not billions from KZN, yet our #Gumede said you couldn’t try her unless she had executive rights. #ExecutiveRights, another great #SouthAfricanism.  Want to hear another good one? #DisciplinaryHearings. PRASA’s 44 employees that robbed the place blind went to an internal meeting about those trains that were “too tall” rather than face prison. Today we are told that the trains shrank. #TallTalesAboutTrains #2022WeCU

Yes, sadly there’s more guys, let me cheer you up and give you a time to breathe as we hit the homestretch on quarter four. Can you take anymore?

#BanyanaBanyana brought home the #WAFCon Cup – sheer glee!  Thank you, Sasol, for standing by our team for so many years.  Finally, they got equal pay.  My greatest sport story of the year though is that #BenniMcCarthy (once fired by #Amazulu) is now telling Ronaldo what to do at #OldTrafford as he takes the title of the new #ManchesterUnited coach! You’re smiling, I can feel it. Here’s one to make you laugh. I’m being generous here. The #WarAgainstPotholes, SA introduced a whole app to report a gat.  Just open your door okes, no data needed. #Southafricanisms!

I’m going to fire them off now (pun intended). #Steenhuisen tried to act woke by telling #MacG that his ex-wife was roadkill. #NatashaMazzone was removed as chief whip. Tshwane Mayor #RandallWilliams was heard on a “leaked recording” ordering officials to support his decision to approve an unsolicited bid of R26 billion. The hamster wheel keeps churning as South Africa is burning.  We learnt we were R1,3 trillion rand poorer.  The #ANC didn’t pay its staff; the same story as we’ve heard from SOEs and #Steinhoff over the years, stolen pensions and zero recourse. #PensionDeFund – it’s a #SouthAfricanism also see “irregularity” in previous report.

Children were kidnapped and social media immediately waited for the ransom demand.  This, after a load of cocaine was stolen from the HAWKS.  Our children have suffered.  Like tiny #TazneVanWyk. I can’t unpack these horrific stories; I’m over 2022 and the terrible things we do. Speaking of which, our Finance Minister, Enoch #Godangwana was charged with sexual assault and his docket was handed to the NPA. #VytjieMentor passed away without any justice. Then enter the #BaggyTrousers – sheer and utter #Madness as we read that #TembisaHospital CEO #Mthunzi denied that he spent half a million rand on #SkinnyJeans. This was why they killed whistleblower #BabitaDeokaran.

Without a blink we were back to our #Xenophobia narrative as #DrPoppy’s “leaked” video showed her letting out a tirade of xenophobic slurs while standing close to a sick Zimbabwean man. We were told to believe that every bit of bad news in SA was because of a foreigner.  To the point that #GaytonMackenzie said that if a Zimbabwean was dying and was reliant on oxygen to get well, he would remove that oxygen and give it to a South African. #2022SickOfYou

There were some mental statistics and some new words to wrap up the year.  We have the highest fetal alcohol syndrome in the world. We saw the speaker of the house at the President’s #QandA lose the plot and start screaming like a banshee. #TerrorLekota was suspended, came back to work, called a press conference which resulted in a punch-up. #SouthAfricanisms.  Enter #MeghanMarkleMadness.  This time she said wanted to “be like Mandela”. The gall of her – you, Meghan, get to be like a tree and leave. Then the #Queen died and Charles took the throne. The world stopped for this death, but nothing stops for the death of a woman in SA.

Talking about a change of guard, sickly Zuma called a sitting of his own at #Nkandla and told everyone in his gang to vote for #Nkosozana #WhenPeopleZol #Dlamini #StillAZuma. #HambaGwede became the call of #COSATU. When the crowd started booing #Mantash, he did a little dance with the crowd to his own #HambaGwede song! Queue up #HeritageDay 2022.  The #EFF (read) #Malema made their way to northern KZN Zululand. Why? They claim they wanted their land back. They’d forgotten that this land does in fact belong to the Zulus. The clue is in the title #ZULULAND.

#Steinheist was our next doccie justice as now we wait for private prosecution of these thieves we should call murderers. Then #Ramaphosa brought back R270 billion from Saudi Arabia. I wonder what was sold for that?  Apparently, it went so well that Saudi want to join BRICS (no need for a name change), now BRICSS.  Not too long after that there was a #TerrorAttack warning from the US embassy. We didn’t care. We were far more interested in the #HAWKS swooping in on #MarkusJoose and #WaterShedding. Yet another #SouthAfricanism. Gauteng hit #DayZero … there wasn’t even a countdown – so very 2022. Man are we are tired of you.

#FarmGate hit boiling point and we were told that #PaulOSullivan was involved and that’s when the files started pouring in. We were also told that #Ramaphosa’s nephew, #Maumela, has been linked to some seriously dodgy tenders involving theft from hospitals. He may even be wearing a pair of those #SkinnyJeans.  Stories so serious that it left us wondering every day if we still have a president. So very #SouthAfricanistic. We were back to waiting for surprise television addresses. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Enter the perfectly bound report that #Ramaphosa had to answer too. Rumours were rife that he had chucked in the towel, said he was outnumbered; he vowed to step out of the ANC and fight with a different party. #DerekHanekom (a fine human) talked him back into the room.  Maggs Naidu put it best when he said:  If you’re going to leave then leave now, or stay and fight with the country behind you. Yes, we have double standards, but we also have played with #BetterTheDevil and we are masters at it. More importantly we are tired of all this scuttlebutting. #2022SeenYou

Here’s the finish line and before I wish you well through your PTSD therapy, I’ll leave you with some good cheer, it is that time of year. There was that almighty #KingsCoronation showed the #ZuluNation in all its magnificence. A testament to how unique we are as a nation. #Charlize reckoned there are only 43 people in SA who speak Afrikaans. Well she said 44 but I’m including her. And finally, apart from #JacquesPauw’s book, we have only the #FIFA World Cup to cover.  The no so beautiful game has been weird, a bit like this report but we still watch and #GoMorrocco. Now you are done, go have fun, get some sun and never let the fiber of our fabric come undone. We don’t care about the #SouthAfricanisms because 2023 should let us live free.  Agree?

I’m Tonya Khoury and I have officially signed off for #keDezemba!